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The party enter the Landsmeet and find Eamon and Loghain locked in argument already
Loghain: I have every right! The Wardens are harbouring Orlesians and I intent to root them out before they infect this kingdom!
Eamon: Orlesians! Where do you not see Orlesians? Our people cannot sneeze without you accusing them of corruption!
Loghain: Do not trifle with me Eamon, my patience is at an end!
Sten: Trifle? I prefer cake
Eamon: A wonder that I never saw it begin!
Loghain: What I have done is protect the people of this kingdom time and again! What I have done is protect the Wardens from their own taint and their own stupidity! And I will not stop doing it! I will not lower our guard! I dare not!
Qwerty: This fighting needs to stop! The kingdom must be united against the Blight!
Loghain: What other option do we have? Tell me Warden that you have not seen with your own eyes what they can do, heard the lies of Orlesians that seek power! Your own girlfriend was almost killed by an Orlesian’s manipulations!
Qwerty: You can’t use the actions of some to condemn them all! Besides, the Orlesians have nothing to do with this you bloody nutjob!
Riordan: You would cast us all as villains but it is not so!
Loghain: I know, and it breaks my heart to do it but we must be vigilant! If you cannot tell me another way then do not brand me a tyrant!
Qwerty: There’s lots of other ways. There’s the way where you pull your head out of your arse, admit the charges against the Wardens are false and turn yourself in for conspiracy, treason and being stark raving mad. Or there’s the way where we grudgingly put our differences aside and unite our armies against the Blight and resolve this later, or the way were I lop your head off and everybody cheers
Loghain: Turn myself in? For your crimes? I think not. It was the Grey Wardens who led our King into a death trap at Ostagar all so that their Orlesian allies could invade when our armies were weakened and demoralised!
Qwerty: The Blight is the enemy here, not the Orlesians! Oh and by the way, how’s your slave business going? Getting a good price for all those Elves?
Loghain: Such things are necessary in times of war but it’s not like any of the nobles care about elves anyway is it? I don’t even give them a capital letter and nobody cares!
Qwerty: But they might care about, oh, poisoning Arl Eamon?
Loghain: I had nothing to do with that
Qwerty: Funny, Jowan and Irminric, the Templar you took him away from, said otherwise
Grand Cleric: The Maker does not take kindly to this news Loghain
Loghain: Um… you kidnapped my daughter! Yes, our beloved Queen is being held captive by the evil Orlesian conspiring Wardens!
Anora: I’m really not. I’m right here and I’m going to marry the pink haired freakshow
Loghain: Balls, this isn’t going well is it? Well… you murdered Arl Howe!
Eamon: Oh come on Loghain, everybody hated Howe, you’re just helping our case now
Loghain: Damn it!
Grand Cleric: Enough! We shall take a vote
Everyone: We support the Warden!
Loghain: Well I don’t!
Grand Cleric: Well it’s not unanimous so I guess you’ll have to settle it in a duel then
Qwerty: What? But we won
Grand Cleric: Don’t be silly. Go on, duel away
Anora: Father you don’t have to do this
Loghain: My own daughter falls prey to the influence of Orlesians! You all have! You’re all weak! Allowing the Orlesians to control your minds with their sexy exotic accents, to turn you against me! But I don’t need any of you! I will protect this kingdom myself!
Anora: You’ll have to go through me!
Loghain: Idiot girl, just like all the others
Qwerty: Anora, you’re not fighting him for me
Anora: Can I at least slap him? He never did give me enough pocket money when I was a little girl
Anora slaps Loghain with enough force to send him flying across the room. Loghain snarls and pulls out a sword… which on closer inspection actually resembles a giant
Swiss Orlesian Army Knife
Qwerty: You made a sword from a toolset?
Loghain laughs and uses the toolset to bring statues, furniture and ornaments to life, then inexplicably jumps onto a balcony and poses watching the battle. The party fight through the normally inanimate objects and Loghain jumps down, gets hit a few times and then retreats and goes back to posing while they fight the furniture
Leliana: I guess we’re turning the tables on him!
Qwerty: I think I just killed his chairman!
One of the statues lunges towards Sandal and Bodhan who are watching from the sidelines
Bodhan: You no take Sandal!
Qwerty decapitates the statue before it gets close. Loghain jumps down again, realises his allies are all dead and finds all weapons pointed at him
Riordan: Wait! Don’t kill him, we can make him a Warden instead!
Qwerty: Ha yes, good one. Maybe not the best time for jokes though
Riordan: No, I was serious
Qwerty: Ah, you’re applying for the position of idiot now Alice is dead then?
Riordan: At least it’s better than being the streaker
Qwerty: Fair enough
Anora: The joining is dangerous, we all know this somehow despite it being a huge secret. If my father dies then justice is served
Qwerty: Yes and if he survives then he’s alive.
Anora: He’s the Hero of the River Dane! And he voiced a famous vampire!
Grand Cleric: He’s not the vampire, he’s a very naughty boy!
Riordan: Trust me Qwert, I have something to tell you later, in private that will make you change your mind
Qwerty: Why do men keep hitting on me?
Leliana: It’s the pigtails
Riordan: That’s not what I meant! Let’s just say that being a Warden might be even more of a punishment than killing him
Qwerty: Fine, but I reserve the right to stab him later if I change my mind
Anora: Fair enough
Riordan: Good call
Loghain: Do I have no say in this?
Qwerty: No, not really
Loghain: Oh, alright then
Eamon: Now we just need to address who should be king. I think since poor Alistair is dead that the crown should go to his secret twin brother… um… Alis…two. Alistwo!
Qwerty: That’s a puppet. I can see the strings
Eamon: How is that any different from Alistair?
Qwerty: I shall be king, ruling alongside Queen Anora and Queen Leliana
Eamon: You can’t have two wives!
Qwerty: Anora, can the king make the law or can he not?
Anora: The three of us shall marry and rule jointly
Qwerty: I love the toolset!
Eamon: But… what about my puppet?
Varric: And then they all lived happily ever after
Cassandra: What? That wasn’t an ending!
Varric: I know. DA2 style remember
Cassandra: I don’t care. You say the Champion (of Redcliffe) found not just one toolset but also took the one from Loghain. He must have been able to make his own ending
Varric: Fine, fine. We’re already about fifty times longer than DA2 actually is anyway. You want an ending, you shall have it
Qwerty and company arrive in Redcliffe
Riordan: The Darkspawn are attacking Denerim!
Qwerty: What? We just came from there! Why’d you bring us here?
Riordan: Because I’m an idiot and assumed they’d attack a small town nobody cares about rather than the capital city especially if we moved all our armies away from the more appealing target. Oh by the way, the Arch Demon is in Denerim
Qwerty: Fine, let’s go back there right away
Eamon: We’ll go tomorrow
Riordan: Qwerty, Loghain, do either of you know how to kill an Arch Demon?
Loghain: Not really
Qwerty: Stab it?
Riordan: A Grey Warden must kill it. It contains the soul of an Old God
Riordan: No. But when it dies, that soul will pass into the nearest tainted creature. If it is not slain by a Warden it will go to another Darkspawn and make a new Arch Demon
Qwerty: Even though they’re not a dragon?
Riordan: Shush. If it is killed by a Warden then the Wardens soul will fight the Old God soul and both will be destroyed. Only then will the Blight end
Loghain: So that’s why you spared me
Riordan: What? No. I spared you so we could assign you to a post in Orlais. I shall kill the Arch Demon
Loghain: Orlais?! No! Kill me! Anything but that!
Qwerty: I have to say, I like this plan
Loghain: Please no!
Riordan: I told you
Qwerty retreats to his bedroom where he finds Morrigan, Sten, Oghren, Zevran, Gaspode, Bodhan and Sandal
Oghren: Congratulations on your impending marriage! This is your bachelor party!
Qwerty: Oghren, why are you still in your old armour? Aren’t you going to get changed like everyone else?
Oghren: Are you nuts? I already changed my clothes a few years ago, why would I do it again so soon?
Morrigan: I’m the stripper. These candles and magic circles are just… party decorations
Morrigan: I believe it’s traditional for you to sleep with the stripper?
Qwerty: I think that’s just a stereotype… besides Leliana would kill me
Morrigan: Damn. Right, you lot fuck off
Oghren: Can I at least take the booze with me?
Zevran: But I’m a stripper too!
Sten drags everyone out
Morrigan: Look, I know all about the Arch Demon and Warden death pact thing. Mother told me all about it. And there is a way around it. Sleep with me
Qwerty: I know I’m sexy but this is getting ridiculous
Morrigan: Oh for… I’m actually telling the truth this time! Probably for the first time ever! I want to have your baby so it will save your life, end the blight and not have you die
Qwerty: Fine but only if Leliana can join in
Morrigan: Oh alright
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