White Horse Rider

Posted: January 21, 2015 in Poems
Tags: ,

White Horse Rider

Amid the darkest darkness
In the blackest night
Hides a hidden hero
Frightened by the light
The things she dare not dream of
The fantasies she fears
Arms wrapped tight around herself
As the dragon nears

Nightmares she never notices
Not now they seem mundane
She’s trapped inside a moment
Paralysed by pain
She bottles up the feelings
Fills up with guilt and shame
Her wounds are left to fester
And he’ll be back again

Where is the white horse rider?
Where could the heroes be?
Where is her salvation?
When can she be free?
Why do they just leave her?
She suffers all alone
Waiting for a hero
To come and take her home

Blood runs down her body
As tears run down her face
Dragon wings enfold her
She surrenders to his embrace
Fiery breath burns her mind
Steals her hopes and dreams
Bile taste fills her throat
As she chokes on swallowed screams

Where is the white horse rider?
Where could the heroes be?
Where is her salvation?
When can she be free?
Why do they just leave her?
She suffers all alone
Waiting for a hero
To come and take her home

Somewhere deep inside her heart
A spark of hope still lives
The only thing that comforts her
Is the tiny warmth it gives
The cold cannot quite kill her fire
She struggles to her feet
The dragon stares at her in shock
As it feels her hidden heat

A burning sword finds her hand
A shield built out of pride
She arms herself with every hope
For too long she had to hide
Her battle cry shakes the walls
The prison falls apart
This is not the end of her life
This is just the start

She is the white horse rider
A hero, she is free
She is her own salvation
It could be only she
No one ever left her
She wouldn’t let them near
Now the heroes help her
To chase away her fear
She is the white horse rider
A hero, she is free
She finally found salvation
Her serenity

Yeah, about that. Dragon Strange will continue, I’ve been a bit busy lately. Partly with real life stuff and partly because of a couple of new projects, the Shadesphere Chronicles which is a story, or rather a series of interconnected stories, that have been floating around in my imagination for years and I’m finally getting around to sorting out and putting to paper (metaphorically, fingers to computer keyboard is the more literal description). I’ve also been playing a lot of Portal 2 and making my own maps… so if anyone reading this is a Portal fan (or in fact if anyone is actually reading this at all!) you might want to take a look at the maps over here!

My personal favourites are

We Have Always Lived In The Aperture Science Laboratories and They Have Always Lived In The Aperture Science Laboratories are based on the novel We Have Always Lived In The Castle by Shirely Jackson. Both feature Merricat and Constance represented by a Companion Cube (Merricube) and a Frankenturret respectively

Going Up looks like a simple map but has a few tricks and surprises

Are You Feeling Blue? is a reminder that whenever you make a mess, somebody has to clean it up

There Must Be Some Way Out Of Here is a two story maze with glass walls. the question is, do transparent walls make it easier to find your way around or do they make it more confusing?

The Shadesphere Chronicles

Rumblings of War

Prologue: Reflections on the War

It’s hard to say when the War of Fire and Thunder began. We can point to the ending easy enough but who can say what truly started such a war? Did it begin with the invasion of the Wesknotlands when the first battle was fought? Did it begin with the armies journey through the passes of the Colossal Reaches on their way to spill the first blood? Or did it begin much earlier, with a young man running through a thick forest, terrified for his life. Perhaps centuries earlier still, with a different man fleeing in terror through a different forest? Or with something more innocent, when a cold hand was warmed by the first touch of comfort from an unexpected friend?

Perhaps if certain events had not happened then war would have happened later, or perhaps sooner. Doubtless there are some events that, had they never occurred, would have meant that nor would the War. Certainly if the Shadesphere had never left the Halls then the War of Fire and Thunder would not, could not have torn the Known Lands asunder. Few would argue that the world would not be better without that War. But, if not for that great loss, could we truly have learned the lessons that prepared us for the Darkening that followed? Could it be that the greatest loss of life in three thousand years of recorded history was actually responsible for the prevention of something far, far worse?

What would have happened if the Known Lands were not united? If the peoples had not the weapons, the armour and the skill to use them? If the Darkening had come upon a people who knew war as only a distant legend from generations lost? I do not ask these questions idly, they have tormented me most of my life. The Darkening will come again and we will not be prepared. Not without another Great War. The decision falls to me. Do I, to save the world, bring damnation and death upon it? I stare into the Shadesphere, seeking some desperate insight amongst that blackest of fog that dwells within. All I see there is darkness. Can that truly be our only hope? Dare I unleash such horror upon the peaceful populace of the United Lands? Dare I not?

 

to be continued…

da2style

Return to Index

Part 33

The party enter the Landsmeet and find Eamon and Loghain locked in argument already
Loghain: I have every right! The Wardens are harbouring Orlesians and I intent to root them out before they infect this kingdom!
Eamon: Orlesians! Where do you not see Orlesians? Our people cannot sneeze without you accusing them of corruption!
Loghain: Do not trifle with me Eamon, my patience is at an end!
Sten: Trifle? I prefer cake
Eamon: A wonder that I never saw it begin!
Loghain: What I have done is protect the people of this kingdom time and again! What I have done is protect the Wardens from their own taint and their own stupidity! And I will not stop doing it! I will not lower our guard! I dare not!
Qwerty: This fighting needs to stop! The kingdom must be united against the Blight!
Loghain: What other option do we have? Tell me Warden that you have not seen with your own eyes what they can do, heard the lies of Orlesians that seek power! Your own girlfriend was almost killed by an Orlesian’s manipulations!
Qwerty: You can’t use the actions of some to condemn them all! Besides, the Orlesians have nothing to do with this you bloody nutjob!
Riordan: You would cast us all as villains but it is not so!
Loghain: I know, and it breaks my heart to do it but we must be vigilant! If you cannot tell me another way then do not brand me a tyrant!

tyrant

Qwerty: There’s lots of other ways. There’s the way where you pull your head out of your arse, admit the charges against the Wardens are false and turn yourself in for conspiracy, treason and being stark raving mad. Or there’s the way where we grudgingly put our differences aside and unite our armies against the Blight and resolve this later, or the way were I lop your head off and everybody cheers
Loghain: Turn myself in? For your crimes? I think not. It was the Grey Wardens who led our King into a death trap at Ostagar all so that their Orlesian allies could invade when our armies were weakened and demoralised!
Qwerty: The Blight is the enemy here, not the Orlesians! Oh and by the way, how’s your slave business going? Getting a good price for all those Elves?
Loghain: Such things are necessary in times of war but it’s not like any of the nobles care about elves anyway is it? I don’t even give them a capital letter and nobody cares!
Qwerty: But they might care about, oh, poisoning Arl Eamon?
Loghain: I had nothing to do with that
Qwerty: Funny, Jowan and Irminric, the Templar you took him away from, said otherwise
Grand Cleric: The Maker does not take kindly to this news Loghain
Loghain: Um… you kidnapped my daughter! Yes, our beloved Queen is being held captive by the evil Orlesian conspiring Wardens!
Anora: I’m really not. I’m right here and I’m going to marry the pink haired freakshow
Loghain: Balls, this isn’t going well is it? Well… you murdered Arl Howe!
Eamon: Oh come on Loghain, everybody hated Howe, you’re just helping our case now
Loghain: Damn it!
Grand Cleric: Enough! We shall take a vote
Everyone: We support the Warden!
Loghain: Well I don’t!
Grand Cleric: Well it’s not unanimous so I guess you’ll have to settle it in a duel then
Qwerty: What? But we won
Grand Cleric: Don’t be silly. Go on, duel away
Anora: Father you don’t have to do this

orlesians

Loghain: My own daughter falls prey to the influence of Orlesians! You all have! You’re all weak! Allowing the Orlesians to control your minds with their sexy exotic accents, to turn you against me! But I don’t need any of you! I will protect this kingdom myself!
Anora: You’ll have to go through me!
Loghain: Idiot girl, just like all the others
Qwerty: Anora, you’re not fighting him for me
Anora: Can I at least slap him? He never did give me enough pocket money when I was a little girl
Qwerty: Fine

Anora slaps Loghain with enough force to send him flying across the room. Loghain snarls and pulls out a sword… which on closer inspection actually resembles a giant Swiss Orlesian Army Knife
Qwerty: You made a sword from a toolset?
Loghain laughs and uses the toolset to bring statues, furniture and ornaments to life, then inexplicably jumps onto a balcony and poses watching the battle. The party fight through the normally inanimate objects and Loghain jumps down, gets hit a few times and then retreats and goes back to posing while they fight the furniture
Leliana: I guess we’re turning the tables on him!
Qwerty: I think I just killed his chairman!
One of the statues lunges towards Sandal and Bodhan who are watching from the sidelines
Bodhan: You no take Sandal!
Qwerty decapitates the statue before it gets close. Loghain jumps down again, realises his allies are all dead and finds all weapons pointed at him
Loghain: Um…
Riordan: Wait! Don’t kill him, we can make him a Warden instead!
Qwerty: Ha yes, good one. Maybe not the best time for jokes though
Riordan: No, I was serious
Qwerty: Ah, you’re applying for the position of idiot now Alice is dead then?
Riordan: At least it’s better than being the streaker
Qwerty: Fair enough
Anora: The joining is dangerous, we all know this somehow despite it being a huge secret. If my father dies then justice is served
Qwerty: Yes and if he survives then he’s alive.
Anora: He’s the Hero of the River Dane! And he voiced a famous vampire!

naughty

Grand Cleric: He’s not the vampire, he’s a very naughty boy!
Riordan: Trust me Qwert, I have something to tell you later, in private that will make you change your mind
Qwerty: Why do men keep hitting on me?
Leliana: It’s the pigtails
Riordan: That’s not what I meant! Let’s just say that being a Warden might be even more of a punishment than killing him
Qwerty: Fine, but I reserve the right to stab him later if I change my mind
Anora: Fair enough
Riordan: Good call
Loghain: Do I have no say in this?
Qwerty: No, not really
Loghain: Oh, alright then
Eamon: Now we just need to address who should be king. I think since poor Alistair is dead that the crown should go to his secret twin brother… um… Alis…two. Alistwo!
Qwerty: That’s a puppet. I can see the strings
Eamon: How is that any different from Alistair?
Qwerty: I shall be king, ruling alongside Queen Anora and Queen Leliana

crowns

Eamon: You can’t have two wives!
Qwerty: Anora, can the king make the law or can he not?
Anora: The three of us shall marry and rule jointly
Qwerty: I love the toolset!
Eamon: But… what about my puppet?

varric

Varric: And then they all lived happily ever after
Cassandra: What? That wasn’t an ending!
Varric: I know. DA2 style remember
Cassandra: I don’t care. You say the Champion (of Redcliffe) found not just one toolset but also took the one from Loghain. He must have been able to make his own ending
Varric: Fine, fine. We’re already about fifty times longer than DA2 actually is anyway. You want an ending, you shall have it

Qwerty and company arrive in Redcliffe
Riordan: The Darkspawn are attacking Denerim!
Qwerty: What? We just came from there! Why’d you bring us here?
Riordan: Because I’m an idiot and assumed they’d attack a small town nobody cares about rather than the capital city especially if we moved all our armies away from the more appealing target. Oh by the way, the Arch Demon is in Denerim
Qwerty: Fine, let’s go back there right away
Eamon: We’ll go tomorrow
Riordan: Qwerty, Loghain, do either of you know how to kill an Arch Demon?
Loghain: Not really
Qwerty: Stab it?
Riordan: A Grey Warden must kill it. It contains the soul of an Old God
Qwerty: Cthulhu?
Loghain: C’thun?
Riordan: No. But when it dies, that soul will pass into the nearest tainted creature. If it is not slain by a Warden it will go to another Darkspawn and make a new Arch Demon
Qwerty: Even though they’re not a dragon?
Riordan: Shush. If it is killed by a Warden then the Wardens soul will fight the Old God soul and both will be destroyed. Only then will the Blight end
Loghain: So that’s why you spared me
Riordan: What? No. I spared you so we could assign you to a post in Orlais. I shall kill the Arch Demon

orlais

Loghain: Orlais?! No! Kill me! Anything but that!
Qwerty: I have to say, I like this plan
Loghain: Please no!
Riordan: I told you

Qwerty retreats to his bedroom where he finds Morrigan, Sten, Oghren, Zevran, Gaspode, Bodhan and Sandal
Oghren: Congratulations on your impending marriage! This is your bachelor party!
Qwerty: Oghren, why are you still in your old armour? Aren’t you going to get changed like everyone else?
Oghren: Are you nuts? I already changed my clothes a few years ago, why would I do it again so soon?
Morrigan: I’m the stripper. These candles and magic circles are just… party decorations
Qwerty: Um…

darkritual

Morrigan: I believe it’s traditional for you to sleep with the stripper?
Qwerty: I think that’s just a stereotype… besides Leliana would kill me
Morrigan: Damn. Right, you lot fuck off
Oghren: Can I at least take the booze with me?
Zevran: But I’m a stripper too!
Sten drags everyone out
Morrigan: Look, I know all about the Arch Demon and Warden death pact thing. Mother told me all about it. And there is a way around it. Sleep with me
Qwerty: I know I’m sexy but this is getting ridiculous
Morrigan: Oh for… I’m actually telling the truth this time! Probably for the first time ever! I want to have your baby so it will save your life, end the blight and not have you die
Qwerty: Fine but only if Leliana can join in
Morrigan: Oh alright

Return to Index

da2style

Return to Index

Part 32

The party are once again wandering through the Deep Roads
Alistair: So I was thinking, since everyone likes Leliana’s Song…
Qwerty: If you’re trying to sell more DLC I will stab you
Alistair: I meant the actual song. That she sang. People like singing
Qwerty: Your point?
Alistair: We should make this a musical!
Qwerty: You’re insane
Alistair: Think about it! It’d go something like…

song1

Loghain: A teryn’s gotta do what a teryn’s gotta do
Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through
All that matters: taking matters into your own hands
Soon I’ll control everything, my wish is your command

song2

Alistair: Stand back everyone, nothing here to see
Just imminent danger, in the middle of it…
Qwerty: Me!

song3

Alistair and Qwerty: Yes, Grey Warden’s are here, hair blowing in the breeze
And the day needs our saving expertise

song4

Alistair: An heir’s gotta do what an heir’s gotta do
Seems the Blight ends with me ruling you
The only doom that’s looming is the Archdemons breath
So I’ll give you a sec to spawn demon babies to stop my death

song5

Morrigan (sarcastic): Thank you royal bastard, I don’t think I can
Explain how important it was that you finally be a man
Now I’m pregnant, just like in Stargate and Farscape
‘Tis time to make my escape

Qwerty: First, that’s just ridiculous. Second, it contains spoilers of things that may or may not happen
Alistair: Oh but everyone knows about that anyway
Qwerty: And thirdly we’re not doing it
Alistair: Balls

They arrive at the vault
Qwerty: Right, let’s search this place from top to bottom. Oh and if anyone finds a spare heir so we can get rid of Alistair…
Leliana: I thought we were going to marry Anora?
Qwerty: Just in case she stabs us in the back
Alistair: I found companion armour! I can finally change into some clean clothes!
Leliana: Oh thank the Maker! I can wear some different shoes at last!
Doggigan: I don’t suppose there’s anything to increase the party size so I could go human again?
Qwerty: No but there’s a shapeshifting specialisation manual, you could be a spider or a bear instead
Doggigan: I’ll stick with the dog. At least I’ve experience at being a bitch
Qwerty: Ah ha! I found it!
He proudly displays what looks like a swiss army knife
Alistair: Antivan army knife perhaps?
Leliana: Or Orlesian
Qwerty: It’s the ToolSet!
Alistair: Oh no
Qwerty: Oh yes!
Alistair: Be careful with that thing!
Qwerty: I’ve a feeling it will come in extremely handy later
Leliana: Wait, how have we been using mods when that was locked up in here?
Qwerty: There’s some very talented modders out there. And we appreciate their efforts very much
Shale: Are we done here now? Can we get to more important things like my companion quest?
Qwerty: Fine, fine. Lead the way

A short trip via the map later they end up in yet another identical portion of the Deep Roads…
Qwerty: At least we’ll never have to come here ever again after this
Doggigan: Yes I’m sure there’ll never be any reason at all for you to return to this part of the Deep Roads
Several thousand packs of Darkspawn later…

truth

Shale: Here we are, a sign saying… oh. Caridin was telling the truth after all. Can it please not tell the pervy dwarf about this?
Qwerty: Well this was clearly time well spent
Alistair: Landsmeet time?
Qwerty: Landsmeet
Alistair: An heir’s gotta do, what…
Qwerty: Shut up
Alistair (muttering): Listen close to Alistair’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground…

The party return to Denerim and enter the Royal Palace
Alistair: It’s hopeless, we’ve lost
Qwerty: What are you talking about? We’re winning. We go into the next room, turn everyone against Loghain and lead the united armies against the Darkspawn
Alistair: Loghain expects the taint then I shall give it to him! Maker help us all! The rite belonged to Avernus, a man the Champion (of Redcliffe) is familiar with. I put aside his research as too dangerous – but things have changed.
Qwerty: Why are you doing this? We’re winning you pillock!
Doggigan: Guess this is why we had to get that song out of the way earlier…
Alistair mutates into a taint monster and fights the party
Alistaint: Ha ha ha! Foolish Warden! When I taught you the secret Grey Warden skills I deliberately left flaws in your style! Holes in your defence that only I would know how to exploit!
Qwerty: What? You never taught me anything!
Alistaint: Damn it, I knew I forgot to do something
Qwerty: You wanted something to remember Duncan by?
Qwerty pulls out Duncan’s dagger
Qwerty: Well here you bloody go!
Qwerty leaps up onto Alistaint’s head and stabs the dagger through his skull. Alistaint collapses, dead, his last words…
Alistaint: I love you Duncan….
Qwerty: Well you know what they say. Heir today, gone tomorrow
Leliana: To heir is human
Doggigan: What an idiot
Qwerty: Indeed. I guess you can go human for a while now
Morrigan: Finally!
Qwerty: And now to deal with Loghain…

Return to Index

da2style

Return to Index

Part 31

Tevintwo: Who are you?
Qwerty: Orderly Q reporting for duty
Tevinthree: Lies! Kill them!
Qwerty: That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? Just for telling lies?
Some degree of fighting later…

st-elf

Leliana: There’s a note here, I’ll read it for you since it won’t appear in your journal. It says they’re selling Elves
Alistair: They must be using st-elf to sneak them out
Qwerty: I found some Elves
Elf1: Please let us go! We’re not sick
Qwerty: Then why did you come here?
Elf2: We’re just really, really stupid. That’s not contagious is it?
Qwerty: Much as I’d like to punish you for that, it hardly makes you any different from anyone else I’ve met and besides, Shianni might not sleep with us if we don’t help you
Elf1: Shianni? Are you mad? I mean, she’s hot and all but…
Elf2: What he means is that she can kick his ass
Elf1: She scares me!
Qwerty: I’m liking her even more
Leliana: Me too

The party free the elves, loot the corpses, crates and sacks then leave
Shianni: What happened? A few Elves came out but where are all the rest?
Qwerty: The Tevinters have been selling them

slavery

Shianni: What? What would evil mages from the slavery capital of the world be selling people for?
Qwerty: Slavery?
Shianni: Don’t be silly. They must have sneaked them out the back door I never thought to bother watching despite my suspicions and through the houses and warehouses there
Qwerty: We found a key
Gatekeeper: Does that make you the Key Master?
Qwerty: No. Please go away
Gatekeeper: But I get so lonely
Shianni: Please, find the other Elves and save them too
Shale: Why does it waste time helping these people?
Alistair: Because we’re big damn heroes
Qwerty: And heroes get all the girls
Leliana: And Elven girls are hot
Qwerty: Human girls too
Leliana: And Dwarf girls
Oghren: Even golem girls
Shale: Stay away from me!
Qwerty: Hey where are those beggars? Shouldn’t they be here with more funny comments? I was hoping for an “arms for the poor?”. You know, like alms…

The party pass uneventfully through the warehouse district until they come out into an alley
Guard: Who are you?
Qwerty: I’m Qwerty Cousland, Grey Warden

attack

Guard: I’ve heard of you! Oh shit oh shit oh shit I’m gonna die! ATTACK!
Qwerty: Well you could have bravely ran away…
Guard: Don’t be daft, that’d be far too sensible!
Some brief bloodying of the walls later, they enter another building
Devera: Who are you? We were promised the authorities would leave us alone
Qwerty: We’re here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and bubble gum doesn’t exist in this universe
Devera: But I’m a named NPC! I’m clearly important so don’t kill me just yet, I have dialogue options
Leliana: Do any of them involve threesomes?
Devera: Of course not!
Qwerty: Do any of them involve anything other than us fighting you?
Devera: One of them involves me just running away. I like that one
Qwerty: You’re smarter than most guards. Fine, I’ll let you go
Alistair: She’s clearly evil, why are we letting her go?
Qwerty: I’m hoping she’ll turn up in a sequel

wardenS

Caladrius: You must be the Warden
Alistair: WardenS!
Leliana: Wardens and friends!
Doggigan: And rivals
Caladrius: Yes yes, Loghain warned me about you lot. So how about you give me money and I give you evidence against Loghain and you let me leave with my slaves and profits?
Qwerty: I’ve got a better offer
Caladrius: I’m listening
Qwerty: You give us the evidence, the profits and the Elves. You get out alive
Caladrius: That hardly seems fair does it?
Qwerty: You’re right, I shouldn’t let you go
Caladrius: No, listen! You take the money and the evidence, we take the knife-ears…
Qwerty: Knife-ears eh? How about…
Murder knife friendship +10
Qwerty: Knife-eyes!
Caladrius: That bloody hurt! I’m a mage, not a Templar, I’m not supposed to be blind! Look, I have another offer. I can drain their energy, kill all the elves and make you stronger!
Qwerty: Wait, I come in here to save the Elves and you try to bribe me with their deaths? Are you that stupid?
Caladrius: Yes!
Qwerty: Tell you what, we’ll just open these cages and let the elves finish you off
Cyrion: Thank you Wardens, friends and rivals. Please, take this dagger Duncan once gave me
Alistair: These documents prove Loghain approved the selling of Elves!
Qwerty: When did you learn to read?
Alistair: Duncan taught me… I miss Duncan
Alistair bursts into tears
Alistair: I wish I had something of Duncan’s to remember him by!
Qwerty slips Duncan’s dagger into his pocket

Shale: There’s something I have been meaning to ask It, yet we haven’t returned to camp in some time and now I’m sick of waiting
Qwerty: What is it?
Shale: I wish to go back into the Deep Roads
Qwerty: For another look in the vault? I was considering that too
Shale: No, I wish to investigate what Carridan said. It’s not that I don’t believe him, it’s just that, well, I don’t believe him
Qwerty: I see
Shale: I think I remember a place in the Deep Roads where there may be some clues. I would very much like to check it out
Qwerty: Well I guess we could make a huge detour since I want to check that vault again.
Leliana: Oh are we doing camp conversations here? Because I’ve been wanting to sing a song since we met the Dalish…
Alistair: Oh is it Push The Button? Awesome!
Leliana sings…

song1

I’m not calling you a liar,
Just don’t lie to me,
I’m not calling you a bad game,
Just don’t play with me.
I’m not calling you a sequel,
So stop importing me,
And I mock you so much,
I’m gonna write a
Paro-dy.

song2

There’s a game on my drive
And its flaws make me weep
It’s not even half as good as Origins,
As it not as deep
Then it lies, then it lies with false choices

song3

To all,
To all,
To all, the same result.
Oh but for the funny banter I go on,
And when you remind me of what you’re not, I’m sad enough to cry…

Qwerty: That was beautiful
Alistair: I liked my idea better

Return to Index

da2style

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Part 30

Otto: Hello? Is someone there
Qwerty: Yes. Is something wrong?

blind

Otto: Oh hello. I’m blind
Qwerty: Well yes, you are a Templar so I assumed as much
Otto: Funnily enough that’s actually why they gave me the job. Never understood that. But anyway I sense something evil around here
Qwerty: Probably just Doggigan or Shale, I wouldn’t worry about it if I was you
Doggigan: Grrrr arrrgh
Otto: It’s around here some place, I’ve been sensing it for hours
Doggigan: Grrrrrrr
Qwerty: Stop that
Doggigan: I’m trying to scare that rabid dog off
Qwerty: The dead one?
Doggigan: Of course not, the other one!
Otto: That’s it! Those two evil things tell me the evil is in… the orphanage!
Qwerty: Well that makes about as much sense as the things most NPCs tell me
Otto: Will you come with me? I’m scared of the dark
Qwerty: You’re blind!
Otto: Then you see my problem
Qwerty: Oh fine

The group enter the orphanage and are immediately attacked by wave after wave of dogs
Alistair: Is Doggigan in heat or something?
Doggigan: You’re going to be attacked by another dog in a second

hug

Suddenly demons attack
Otto: What’s happening?
Qwerty: Just listen to the narrator
Finally a boss spawns and dies
Otto: Ah a boss you say? Guess we’re done then…
A werewolf taps Otto on the shoulder and asks
Gatekeeper: Are you the Keymaster?
Otto: Yes, why?

forkinhell

Suddenly all hell breaks loose
Qwerty: Isn’t this bordering on copyright infringement now?
Another demon spawns but is killed rather quickly
Alistair: Yeah! Who you gonna call?
Qwerty: My lawyer. I’ve a feeling I’ll need one
Leliana: Otto’s dead
Otto: No I’m not
Qwerty: He says he’s not
Leliana: Well he soon will be
Otto: I’m getting better
Leliana: No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a minute
Otto: No I…

squish

Shale stomps on him
Leliana: See? Stone dead. Let’s loot him
Qwerty: What was that about?
Leliana: He kept bumping into me as an excuse to feel me up. Besides, I want his shoes
Shale: I just like to squish things
Alistair: Does anyone else remember when we qualified as “lawful good”?
Qwerty: “Chaotic neutral” is much more fun

The party head outside and run into the beggar
Beggar1 slaps Beggar2 with a trout
Beggar1: Was that good enough ser?
Qwerty: What the hell was that? I said be funny! Beg in silly ways!
Beggar2: Spare some change for an.. amputee?
Qwerty: See? Funny!
Qwerty chops both of the beggars arms off and throws him some coins. All the beggars run away screaming. One sneaks back, pockets the coins and runs off again
Tevinter: Look, this is an official Elf And Safety facility, there’s nothing suspicious at all going on here!
Shianni: Oh yeah? Well why haven’t we seen any of the patients again?
Tevinter: They’re in quarantine
Shianni: Why is there a sign above the door saying “Elves for sale?”
Tevinter: That’s… that’s Tevinter for “We Cure Elves”
Qwerty: What’s going on here?

shemlen

Shianni: You evil Shemlen bastard! I bet you’re like all the others you come here to laugh at the Elves? Oh wait, you’re the ones who rescued Soris! Yay!
Shianni hugs Qwerty, who is too confused to even cop a feel. Leliana does it for him
Shianni: Please, these evil mages have been taking our people away
Qwerty: What makes you think they’re evil?
Shianni: DA2 rules and they’re outside of a circle. Also the fact that they keep kidnapping us is a bit of a hint
Elf: She’s right! My children are napping! They’re putting our kids to sleep! Kidnappers!
Shianni: That’s not what that means you idiot!
Elf: Help! Help! Think of the children!
Tevinter: Shut up. Everyone form an orderly queue and you’ll all be seen eventually
Qwerty: They call me Q for short, but I’m no orderly
Tevinter: Well that’s a pity because if you were we could let you in
Qwerty: Hi, I’m Orderly Q!
Tevinter: In you go then
Shianni: Good luck!

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