Dragon Strange: Part 1

Posted: February 27, 2014 in Dragon Strange
Tags: , ,

Dragon Strange began life back in 2011 on the BioWare forums as an affectionate parody titled “Origins in DA2 Style”. As the title suggests, it was intended to poke fun at Dragon Age 2 and offer some constructive criticism along the way. Originally I only planned to cover the events from the Battle of Ostagar into Lothering but due to unexpected demand and how much fun I was having I decided to take the idea further and span the entire series. This also included taking some friendly jabs at Origins and it’s extended content in addition to some random pop culture references as well as DA2

It should be noted that this is “Dragon Strange” a fun parody rather than Dragon Rage a flamefest. I consider Origins to be one of the greatest games I’ve played and proof that games can in fact be art. DA2 was a disappointing follow-up but still a decent game in it’s own right, just suffering from a lot of flaws and lacking the depth of Origins. This parody is intended to highlight the flaws (and to be fair to be fair not just in DA2) but also to entertain. I’ve enjoyed writing it, and to my constant amazement people keep assuring me that they enjoy reading it. Most of them were not even bribed.

da2style

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Part 1

The game loads and presents the following exciting and varied options
Male Human Noble Warrior
Male Human Mage
Male Human Noble Rogue
Female Human Noble Warrior
Female Human Mage
Female Human Noble Rogue

After making a selection the Warden finds himself in the middle of the Battle of Ostagar in gender and class appropriate armour. Alistair and the Warden are fighting wave after wave of Darkspawn as they approach the Tower of Ishal

neckr

Alistair: We have to reach the tower!
Warden: Yes, we must light the beacon so that the armies will know when to charge.
The two fight through a few dozen repetitive waves and enter the tower.
Alistair: We are Grey Wardens and it is our responsibility to fight Darkspawn!
Warden: Indeed.

The two fight through a few dozen more repetitive waves and get to the next floor which has the exact same layout as the ground floor.

Alistair: I hope Loghain charges when we light the beacon!
Warden: Should we put some more story in here?
Alistair: No, we need more generic repetitive combat against easily killed exploding enemies to hook the gamers attention, story will only bore and confuse them!

storyx

The two fight through a dozen more repetitive waves and get to the next floor which has the exact same layout as the previous floors.

cylon

The first wave includes an Ogre but oddly waves continue to spawn even after the boss dies in the first wave. Once the final wave is dead there’s an animation of the Ogre dying (despite having done so some time ago) and then more Darkspawn run in.

Alistair: I thought we’d already killed all five billion waves!
Warden: Shush, this is a cut scene. Oh, I have been shot.

Varric: …and then the Kings army were betrayed and instead of an epic cutscene showing all this I’ll just tell you because we wouldn’t want you getting too excited. Also because we spent all of our budget on… actually I don’t rightly know where it all went. Wasn’t the graphics if the background guys are anything to go by, certainly wasn’t the maps…

kingjq

If the Warden is a mage you get a brief cutscene of Wynne dying in the Battle of Ostagar. The player won’t know who she is and won’t care. If player is a warrior or rogue you see a brief cutscene of Oghren drunkenly stumbling off a bridge and into lava. The player won’t know who he is and won’t care.

Warden is unconscious on a bed, bandages around their head. Warden wakes up and begins to remove bandages.

CHARACTER CUSTOMISATION pops up

charcreate

Varric: Actually now that I think about it, that implementation makes a lot more sense than DA2’s did…

Morrigan: Oh good, you’re awake.
Warden: Morrigan, the apostate wilder I met during a non-playable portion of the game! It is great to see you again.
Morrigan rivalry +10

morriganh
Morrigan’s robe is morrigan sacred ashes trailer robes by Raughnut

Morrigan: Mother and I have tended your wounds, your friend is outside crying.
Warden: Thank you.
Morrigan rivalry +10.
Alistair: It’s you! I thought for sure you were dead! Loghain betrayed us and now…
Flemeth: Hold your tongue, that sounds dangerously like plot!
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: What? But she’s not even here! And why would she care?
Alistair: Wait, wasn’t that a flaw in Origins? Are we allowed to mock that when we’re supposed to be parodying the sequel?
Morrigan rivalry +10
Flemeth: Take these treaties and go recruit the Elves, Dwarves and Mages to form an army. I’d explain in more detail but we’ve been almost five whole minutes without any combat.
Alistair: We should see Arl Eamon too…
Flemeth: Six whole minutes. And take Morrigan with you.
Warden (selecting “no”): We will not do so.
Flemeth: She will go with you anyway.
Warden: Ok then.

Warden, Alistair and Morrigan are on a path. we hope you enjoy this path because every other path in the game looks just like it. A dozen generic waves of Darkspawn attack and a Dog runs in
Warden: I saved a dog just like this back at Ostagar during a non-playable section of the game! It must be the same dog!
Alistair: What is his name?
ENTER DOGS NAME:
Warden: He is a dog and we will pretend I just told you his name even though none of us will ever mention it
A few dozen more generic waves of Darkspawn attack.

Morrigan: This is Lothering. I loathe it.
Alistair: We should go to Redcliffe and see Arl Eamon. He is a good man.
Warden: I think we should go to Orzammar first instead.
Alistair: We should go to Redcliffe.
Warden: Ok.
Elf: We have been robbed, please help us!
Warden: Can’t be bothered.
Alistair rivalry +10
Morrigan friendship +10
Elf: Well I’ll just write it in your journal anyway in case you change your mind.
Warden: muttermuttermutter
Alistair: Oh look, a Chantry board for quests!
Warden: I didn’t buy the DLC so it’s blank.

chanter

Morrigan rivalry +10
Alistair rivalry +10
EA rivalry +10

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Comments
  1. rayvio says:

    I was a bit torn when I started the parody on where in the storyline to begin. I wanted to cover the Origins but ultimately Ostagar seemed to fit best with Dragon Age 2s beginning. Although I did consider skipping all the way ahead to Lothering since that’s where DA2 supposedly starts (you wouldn’t know it if they didn’t tell us)
    Ostagar, the Wilds and the Tower are probably my least favourite part of Origins, mostly because it’s the first non-choicey section of the game and it’s quite a long section. When creating a character you have the choice of six different origins and after Lothering you can take the ‘paths’ in any order so the rest of the game feels a lot more open. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy that part of the game, I just got a bit tired of it after the first dozen or so playthroughs

    Like

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