Dragon Strange: Part 3

Posted: March 2, 2014 in Dragon Strange
Tags: , ,

da2style

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Part 3

Warden & Warden inc. are at camp. Warden suddenly wakes up with a start
Warden: Don’t warn the tadpoles!

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Alistair: Did you have a nightmare? Because if you did then it was real. That was the Arch Demon talking to the Darkspawn horde. We hear them too.
Warden: Is the Arch Demon a giant frog monster that rides a unicorn and steals cheese?
Alistair: Ok maybe it was just a normal nightmare. But Darkspawn will talk to you in your sleep anyway.
Warden: This just keeps getting better and better. Anything else I should know?
Alistair: You’ll probably die within a few years.
Warden: That explains why my contract didn’t extend to the sequel.
Alistair: Anyway since you’re awake now we should pull up camp and get moving. To Redcliffe.
Warden: It’s still the middle of the night!
Alistair: Well if you want to return to your frog monster dreams…
Warden rivalry +10
Alistair: Hey, how’d you do that?
Warden: Since it’s night let’s go back to Lothering for that quest first.
Alistair: Ok then.
Warden: Wait, I actually made a choice? It mattered? Incredible!
Alistair: Don’t get used to it.

Warden & The Wardettes return to Lothering, at night. They’re promptly attacked by twenty waves of bandits.

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Alistair: There are always bandits at night but somebody will pay us if we kill them all.
Warden: Have you ever been here before?
Alistair: No, never.
Warden: Then how the hell do you know that?
Alistair: I read the travel brochure. It was on one of the corpses but you can’t read it since it won’t show up on your journal.
Warden: Let’s go find those bloody pigeons. What kind of Dastardly being would hire us to kill pigeons anyway?
They walk around a bit until a gang of pigeons attack.
Warden: Ok, they’re all dead but the quest didn’t update. Did we miss any?
Alistair: Must have. Let’s keep walking around.

They walk around aimlessly, more bandits spawn and attack.
Alistair: Those weren’t pigeons.
Warden: This one had a note! It says the bandit hideout is in Generic Alley Number 12. Hey the note just vanished!
Pigeons spawn and attack. Once defeated the quest updates.
Warden: Thank the Maker for that.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Oh for…

The party enter the bandit alley which looks just like every other alley everywhere ever. Fifty or so waves of bandits spawn and are killed, nothing important or interesting happens and they leave again. This sentence was actually more interesting than playing that section would have been and it didn’t even include any jokes.

Warden: Ok, to Orz…
Alistair: Redcliffe.
Warden: Redcliffe next… hey wait, I meant Orz…. Redcliffe. Damn it! Fine! We’ll see if we find the rest of the pigeons on the way.

RANDOM ENCOUNTER!
Tegrin: With Orzammars gates closed (and the game railroading you into going to Redcliffe first) I have the best deals on Dwarven wares anywhere!
Warden (angrily): I will buy your wares my good man! Wait, what? That was the aggressive option? Seriously?
Morrigan rivalry +10

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Warden: Do you have any companion gifts?
Tegrin: There’s this cheese sandwich that has an arrow symbol on it meaning somebody wants it.
Warden: My psychic abilities say Alistair will want it. I’ll take it anyway.
Tegrin: Have a good day.
Warden (angrily): Thank you my good fellow and have a great day! muttermuttermutter
Warden: Alistair would you like this…
Alistair: Not here.
Warden: What? I was going to give you some food not ask probing personal questions or something.
Alistair: Doesn’t matter. Has to be at camp.
Warden: It’ll be stale by then!
Alistair rivalry +10
Warden: I’m beginning to see why they put so much more emphasis on combat than talking, all the talking inevitably leads to me wanting to kill someone…

Warden & Those Other Guys And Girl Who Isn’t A Guy And Dog Who Also Isn’t A Guy stroll down That Road That Looks The Same As The Other Roads. Pigeons attack, buttons are pushed and awesomeness happens. Then they arrive at Redcliffe.

Warden: Well here we are, are you happy?
Alistair: I should probably confess something.
Warden: You’re going to tell me that you want to go to Orzammar instead now aren’t you?
Alistair: No, nothing like that. It’s just that my dad was King Maric and I’m the heir to the throne and Loghain probably knows that and will undoubtedly send assassins to kill me.

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Warden: Couldn’t you have told me that earlier?
Alistair: It’s just that everyone who’s ever known has treated me differently because of it and I wanted you to like me for who I am.
Warden: Are you hitting on me?
Alistair: Of course I am, everyone’s bisexual.
Warden: Well stop it, I was planning to go for the redhead girl.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Alistair rivalry +10
Sten rivalry +10
Warden: Seriously?
Dog rivalry +10
Warden: Ok now that’s just plain wrong.

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Comments
  1. rayvio says:

    Ah the “I’ll only talk to you back at camp”… although in DA2 it was even worse than the parody makes out. Different companions would make different parts of Kirkwall their ‘home’, although most would hang out at the Hanged Man inn. The party banter was often pretty good though. I’m really looking forward to writing Merrill when the parody reaches DA2s storyline

    Like

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