Part 5
Warden & party enter the Redcliffe Inn
Warden: The sign even says “Lother Inn” which was a bad pun in Lothering and is just ridiculous recycling here.
Alistair: Recycling is good, BioWare are preserving the environment… Is that why they’re called “Bio” Ware?
Warden: Shut up
Alistair rivalry +10
Bella: Another doomed soul come to drown their sorrows I see? What can I get you?
Warden: Ten pints. It worked in Shadow of the Bast 2 anyway.
Alistair: Wasn’t it Beast?
Warden: Obviously you never played the game
Bella: That’ll be 20 copper.
Warden: That’s incredibly cheap. No wonder the blacksmith can afford to get so ratarsed.
Bella: Lloyd’s not very good at math. Sadly it means my wages are really low as well.
Bella performs puppy dog eyes and adjusts her cleavage.
Warden: Well… ah… maybe we could help you out with that.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana rivalry +10
Alistair friendship +5
Warden: Here’s some gold, now do I get a kiss?
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana rivalry +10
Bella: For that much I’d kiss all of you!
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana friendship +10
Alistair friendship +10
Warden: Leliana?
Leliana: What can I say? She’s hot.
Oghren friendship +50
Warden: You’re not even here!
Bandit: ATTACK!
Warden: Oh not this again!
One short brawl and a few dozen more waves later.
Suspicious Looking Elf: Leave me alone.
Warden: I didn’t say anything to you.
SLE: Yes but if I hadn’t said anything there was a risk you might skip my quest.
Warden: It’s possible to do that?
SLE shrugs.
SLE: My name’s Berwick, stop calling me SLE.
Warden: Ok. My name’s Qwerty Cousland, stop calling me Warden.
Alistair: Not a mage then, ok so that’s Oghren dead.
Warden: Or maybe I’m just undercover to avoid Templars.
Alistair: You’d be a Circle Mage and a Grey Warden, you wouldn’t need to avoid them. Unlike some people.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Besides, shouldn’t you have noticed whether I’ve been casting spells or using weapons?
Alistair: It’s my Templar training, it makes me unable to recognise if somebody is casting spells in front of me. All Templars are the same.
Warden: So Berwick, what is this quest?
Berwick: Alright I confess! I was sent here to spy on everyone! Please don’t tell anyone!
Warden: Why would I? They all just heard you yell it out.
Berwick: I hate this script. Owen had the right idea, hey Bella bring me another ale!
Bella: Get it yourself, I’m rich!
Alistair: Good to see the money hasn’t gone to her head.
Warden: Speaking of head, let’s get this over with quickly, Bella’s beckoning me over for her… gratitude.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana rivalry +10
Alistair rivalry +10
Warden: Berwick you’re going to join the militia.
Berwick: No I’m not.
Warden: Berwick you’re going to join the militia.
Berwick: Ok then. Wait, how did you do that?
Warden: I had a good teacher.
One fade to black expressing of gratitude later…
Warden: I think we’re ready to defend the town now. Let’s wait for nightfall.
Murdock: You gotta leave and come back for it to change remember.
Warden: Oh yes, that makes sense. Come on then.
Tomas: Wait, you’re leaving us?
Warden: Can we get the Golem yet? I feel the need to bang my head against a wall so we may as well have one walk around with us.
Alistair: We’ll be back before dark mummy, I promise. Sorry, force of habit.
Warden: You didn’t even have a mother!
Alistair: I did! I just never met her. But Eamon was like a mother to me.
Warden: Wouldn’t he be like a father to you?
Alistair: No, that was Duncan.
Warden: You know what, I don’t want to know.
Alistair: I miss Duncan!
Morrigan: The Hurlock didn’t. Mother described the battle to me in great detail, I could tell you if you like.
Alistair bursts into tears.
Warden: Take the cheese sandwich and shut up.
Alistair: We’re not at camp!
Warden: Fine, we’ll go to camp and come back at night for the battle! Happy?
At camp…
Leliana: Have I ever told you I like the way you wear your hair?
Warden: Thank you. I always thought that pink pigtails go well with a green beard.
Leliana: It really brings out the colour of your eyes.
Warden: Yellow?
Leliana: Installing all these mods isn’t making this any easier you know. But I was trying to pay you a compliment wasn’t I?
Warden: Can we just skip to the “is your fruit forbidden” bit?
Leliana: Of course not! You have to wait until Act 2.
Warden: Act 2? I didn’t even know we were in Act 1! I didn’t even know there were acts! It didn’t say anywhere!
Leliana: Not true, it says it in the official strategy guide
Warden: Why on Thedas would I buy that? All the information is free on the internet and it’s not even illegal!
Alistair: Can I have that sandwich now?
Warden: Here, take it. I think it’s gone mouldy though sitting in my bags all this time. It’s got a bit of corpse gall on it too.
Alistair: Don’t care, it’s cheese and I’m hungry.
Warden: If you like cheese so much maybe you should eat the script.
Warden and party return to Redcliffe via Another Road That Looks The Same As The Other Roads.
Traveller: Oh please help me for I am a poor and innocent traveller who has been attacked and I need your help so please follow me into this trap… I mean ambush… no I mean… circle of friends.
Alistair: She looks very trustworthy.
Warden: Yes, you go on ahead and we’ll catch up.
Morrigan friendship +15
Leliana: We can’t let him walk into a trap all by himself! He’ll be killed!
Morrigan: You’re right, we should send you with him.
Leliana: Indeed! Let us all go help.
Warden: Why’d you have to tell her to do that? Now I have to go and follow her or she’ll never sleep with me!
Morrigan rivalry +10
Zevran and a wave of assassins jump out and attack. Zevran dies in the first wave but a thousand more waves spawn. Finally the last wave dies and Zevran turns out to still be alive.
Warden: Who sent you?
Zevran: Loghain, he wants you dead. You’d have figured this out yourselves by now but the cutscenes explaining it were cut because they didn’t include the Hero or the narrator with the hairy cleavage.
Warden: I take it the narrator is male then?
Alistair: Hah, or an Orlesian!
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Hey he said it, not me!
Leliana: He’s your friend
Warden: I wouldn’t go as far as to call him a friend. Fiend maybe
Alistair rivalry +10
Zevran: Fascinating as this is, could we perhaps get back to discussing my fate?
Warden: Ok, I guess we’re done with you anyway. Any last words?
Zevran: You can’t kill me. Look, no option to. I guess I should join up with you then. Perhaps you would like a massage?
Warden: I could actually use some relaxation, my muscles are a little tense.
Some time later, back at camp…
Warden: I don’t know how they do things where you’re from, but that is NOT how you give somebody a massage!
Zevran rivalry +10
Alistair: What happened?
Warden: I do not want to talk about it! Let’s get back to Redcliffe. Hey, hang on, that sidequest’s marked as completed now. Did we kill some pigeons?
Alistair: Maybe some of the crows were really…
Alistair puts on some sunglasses
Alistair: Pigeons! YEEEEAAAAAH
Everyone stares at Alistair.
Alistair puts the sunglasses away.
Alistair: Sorry
Alistair rivalry +10
Zevran: If you can tell the difference then you must have eyes like a Hawke! Wait, wrong game. Nevermind. Would you like a massage Alistair?
Back in Redcliffe (Night)
Tomas: Thank the Maker you returned! The Undead are about to attack! Look, they’re waiting patiently at the top of the path so they can shuffle down in an orderly yet somehow menacing fashion.
Warden: Why are all the archers standing in the fire?
Tomas: Wasn’t that your plan when you said to make a fire?
Warden: It was the sarcastic option! I wasn’t serious!
Undead: Brains!
Several waves of undead later…
MilitiaBloke: There’s more attacking from the lake!
Warden: Hang on, out of all the enemies we’ve faced so far, the only ones to try any kind of strategy like a two pronged assault are the mindless undead?
Alistair: That’s not a lake either, it’s a river.
MilitiaBloke: Yes, well, Lothering didn’t have a lake. But here it’s a lake and oh by the way THERE’S ZOMBIES CRAWLING OUT OF IT!
Warden: Guess we better get down there.
Leliana: Maker please forgive your children.
Warden: They’re undead. Evil, brain eating undead. I don’t think the Maker will mind. And if you meant them then I don’t think they really need to be forgiven for being killed and raised as undead. It’s not like they had any choice in it. Probably.
MilitiaBloke: Are you coming?
Warden: Wait a minute, we need to finish looting them first. Oh look, this one has trousers.
Alistair: Um… wait, were the others not wearing trousers?
Warden: No, I mean in his pocket. Don’t ask me how they fit. But anyway my psychic powers say that there’s a dwarf in the village who wants them. It must be Dwyn.
Dwyn: You found these free of their guard? I thank you! I had never thought to see them again.
Warden: Riiiiiight. We’ll just leave you and your pants alone and go fight the zombies.
MilitiaBloke: Finally!
Dragon Strange & Other Insanity 
Here we get the first description of Qwerty Cousland. Originally his beard was a different colour, but when I later went back and added screenshots I had to edit it since the original colour (I forget what it was) wasn’t available even with heavy modding.
Making the screenshots also had the advantage that I was then playing the game as Qwerty while writing the parody which was much easier on my memory. I almost forgot to include some characters and quests
We also meet Zevran for the first time in this part. I regret that he doesn’t feature too heavily in the parody, for the most part I kept the same party throughout and he’s one of the few characters not forced into your party at some point in the game. I might try to slip him into a few more scenes in later parts as I move them to this site, but only if it feels like a natural fit into the story
By the way, the trousers “free of their guard” bit? Actually happened in DA2 thanks to the random quest hand-in dialogue
LikeLike