Dragon Strange: Part 7

Posted: March 19, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 7

Warden: I don’t believe it! Look at this place!
Alistair: I know, it’s a complete mess!
Warden: Look at the map! It’s different! It’s new! We’ve never been here before!
Leliana: I suspect we’ll be seeing it again a lot though.
Warden: Why’s that? Other than cynicism that is.
Leliana: Beneath this sign saying “Redcliffe Castle” is an older sign saying “Arl of Denerim’s Estate” and beneath that is another sign saying “Arl of Redcliffes Estate” and beneath that is a sign saying “Soldier’s Peak”.
Warden: Great, really looking forward to those then.
Alistair: Have you bought Soldiers Peak yet?
Warden: No, not yet.
Levi Dryden: Warden! Ya gotta help me save my family name and get a castle (small print: you do not get the castle) just for the small cost of 560 BioWare points!
Warden: Go away.
EA rivalry +10
Undead: Brains!
Many waves later.
Undead: Brains!
Many more waves later.
Alistair: Cheese!
Everyone stares.
Alistair: They’re allowed to shout their favourite food and nobody gives them strange looks.
Warden: They’re dead. They were already dead and then we killed them even more. Would you like that to happen to you?
Alistair rivalry +10
Alistair: I’ll shut up.
Warden: Good man.
Alistair friendship +10
Morrigan: Surely you must be used to inciting that reaction in women by now Alistair?
Leliana: Morrigan I’m beginning to think you’re not a very nice person.


Warden: Calm down, nobody’s going to hurt you. Except maybe the undead wandering around. Or Morrigan because she’s kind of evil and maybe Alistair by accident as he’s kind of a klutz.
Warden: Owen sent me to find you. Well, actually I refused but that seems to have not been an option. And I wasn’t going to rescue you just to spite him for that but here you are standing in my way. So I can either lock you up in there again or you can… oh there we go, she’s run off.
Alistair: Wait! That’s the wrong way.
Valena is killed by a zombie.
Undead: Brains!
Warden: I think you’ll only get a light snack out of her.
Undead: Brains?
Many undead being re-deaded later…


Alistair: Damn it, this door’s locked. We’ll have to go via the basement.
Leliana: I could pick the lock.
Alistair: We’ll have to go via the basement.
Warden: She can pick the lock.
Alistair: BASEMENT!
Warden: Now you’re scaring me. Let’s just… go to the basement shall we?

Warden and party make a dull and uneventful detour through the basement and into the courtyard.
Undead: Brains!
Ser Perth: We don’t have any! Why do you think we’re standing behind this locked gate when we could reach through the bars to pull the lever and open it or go through the poorly disguised secret passage instead?
Warden: Or you could just climb through the hole in the fourth wall. Maker knows we’ve broken it down enough times.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: It’s a figure of speech not a bloody proclamation of faith! And anyway you should be more tolerant.
Morrigan: Yes because the Templars and Chantry are so tolerant of my beliefs in, for example, freedom.
Alistair: Freedom to turn people into toads doesn’t really count as freedom.
Morrigan: I’ve never turned anybody into a toad, although you wouldn’t guess it from seeing me with you.
Alistair: That was an insult wasn’t it?
Morrigan: Clever boy!
Alistair: Well I just guessed, since it was directed at me.


Warden: Look I like companion banter as much as anybody else but could you please help kill these zombies first?

Several waves of undead and a pull of a lever later.

Ser Perth: We should rush into the Castle and check on our beloved Arl Eamon!
Everyone stands still.
Warden: Well?
Ser Perth: I was waiting for you to tell me to do it.
Warden: Run along then.
Ser Perth and the knights run into the Castle. They all hurt their heads.
Warden: Try opening the door first this time.
Ser Perth: Clever!
Warden: How did these people survive before we came along?
Morrigan: Those poor zombies must be starving

Inside Redcliffe Castle. Teagan is prancing around while Connor and Isolde watch.


Connor: So these are our visitors? The ones you told me about mother?
Isolde: Y-yes Connor.
Warden: The name’s Cousland. Qwerty Cousland.
Connor: That is an awful name. I should kill you for it.
Isolde: Connor I beg you, don’t hurt anyone.
Connor: Don’t tell me what to do!
Teagan: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooboooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooody tells him what toooooooooooooo doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Coooooooooonnoooooooooor: Stop that!
Teagan rivalry +10
Isolde: I beg you don’t hurt my son! He is not himself!
Leliana: The power of Adraste compels you! Avaunt! Begone foul spirit!
Teagan: Forgive me friends, your deaths will only add to my failure!

Teagan charges at the party flailing his arms around. Ser Perth and the knights bravely run away. Morrigan trips Teagan up and he falls flat on his face and into unconsciousness.
Connor bravely runs away.
Isolde: Teagan? Are you alright?
Teagan: I am better, I think.
Isolde: Please, Connor is not responsible for this. There must be a way to save him.
Teagan: What about the mage? He should still be in the dungeon
Morrigan: Ah, yes. About that. He may have been set on fire.
Teagan: Then what choice do we have?
Alistair: We can go to the Circle of Magi!
Warden: You’re right! They can probably help us save him from the demon! Alistair you’re a genius!
Alistair friendship +10
Alistair: Actually I just heard they were selling miniature golem dolls there
Teagan: It’s a plan then. You go off to the Circle of Magi and the rest of us will stand in the exact same spots until you get back and hopefully Connor will do the same. Rather than kill us all, turn us into liquid and make a giant robot out of it. For example.


Warden: Great. You do that. Let’s go make camp and prepare for the journey to the Circle.

Back at camp…
Leliana: I lied to you, you know. Before when I told you why I joined the Chantry.
Warden: You never even told me anything.
Leliana: Well I would have if you’d bothered to talk to me! Honestly! Anyway, I was a bard you see.
Warden: I guessed that from the lute, songs, music and stuff.
Leliana: Ah but I went to the Thomdril Merrilin School of Barding. I did terrible things. Killed people.
Warden: I guessed that too from how good you are at putting sharp things into people.
Leliana: My ex-lover framed me for a crime she committed….
Alistair: She?
Oghren: Look, I know you haven’t met me yet and I’m probably dead because you’re not a mage but I’m not missing this story for all the beer in… some place with lots of beer!
Leliana: I was locked up but I escaped…
Oghren: Sod it, guess I missed the sex scene. Bye!
Leliana: And I joined the Chantry to hide. But then the Maker started talking to me. But I found out it was just a guy hiding in a closet whispering to me. But then I figured he was probably told to do that by the Maker. Then I saw you at the Inn and new it was my destiny to help you fight the Blight.


Warden: The Maker told you that?
Leliana: The script did!
Warden: Oh, ok. Is it Act 2 yet?
Leliana: Probably.
Warden: So can we… you know?
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Guess not.


Sten: Why have we stopped?
Warden: Because we’re at camp?
Sten: Find my sword.
Warden: What?
Sten: My quest. Find my sword.
Warden: Oh…….kay….
Alistair: I have a sister!
Warden: congratulations?
Alistair: That’s all. For now. I have to make this quest last through the whole game after all.
Morrigan: My mother wrote a book…
Warden: What’s going on, why are you all suddenly telling me these things?
Alistair: Companion quests for this Act.
Morrigan: It’s probably at the Circle. I want it.
Warden: A sword, a book, a sister and…
Dog: Woof.
Warden: A bone. Got it.
Zevran: And if you find any leather clothing…
Warden: I don’t want to hear about your fetishes!
Zevran rivalry +10

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  1. rayvio says:

    I love the banter between Alistair and Morrigan in Origins and I’m happy with how it turned out in my parody. I do wonder though how the parody could have gone if I went with a different group… perhaps eventually I’ll write an alternate universe version with different party members. Possibly a different Warden. But there’s still the DLC, expansion and sequel to parody and by that time Inquisition will probably be out (nobody expects the Dragon Age: Inquisition!) and needing a parody… not to mention I’ve plans to parody other games too. Mock Effect did a great job with Mass Effect but maybe I’ll try my hand there too


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