Dragon Strange: Part 9

Posted: March 21, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 1

Tower of Ishal

Part 9

Circle of Magi

Alistair: We are helping the Templars and it is our responsibility to fight abominations!
Warden: Indeed.
The two fight through a few dozen more repetitive waves and get to the next floor which has the exact same layout as the ground floor.
Leliana: Two? What about us?
Warden: Maybe you were too busy making out with each other?
Morrigan rivalry +50
Leliana friendship +10
Morrigan: Don’t even think about it!
Leliana: Spoilsport
Wynne: You shall not pass!
Warden: Wynne! The Circle Mage I met during a non-playable portion of the game! It is great to see you again.
Alistair: You don’t know her, remember the whole “The player won’t know who she is and won’t care” part?
Warden: Oh yes, sorry. Who are you?

wynne

Wynne: I am Wynne, a Circle Mage and even though you are clearly not Templars I’m going to assume you’re working for them. Partly because it’s common sense since they had to have let you in, but mostly to mock the rebel Templars in Dragon Age 2 who assume Hawke is siding with Meredith even when he or she clearly is not.
Alistair: I think they patched that
Wynne: Then I’m mocking the unpatched version
Warden: And the fourth wall is well and truly demolished.
Alistair: I think the fifth and sixth walls are gone too.
Wynne: Help me rescue the mages and save the Tower!
Warden: What happens if I don’t?
Wynne: The game will play exactly the same way but with a few different lines of dialogue. Also I shall repeatedly disagree with you but still go along with every action you take regardless of how much of a hypocrite it makes me. They didn’t patch that, did they?
Alistair: Unfortunately not
Warden: That’s what I thought. Oh well, let’s save the Tower.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: And if you’re coming with us I guess we have to leave somebody behind. Sorry Morrigan but you and your rivalry points can bugger off.
Morrigan rivalry +100
Warden: How is that not already maxed?
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Yes yes, run along now.
Morrigan vanishes into thin air, Wynne also vanishes but then reappears standing next to the Warden.

forgive

Mage: Take care of her will you? She’s so very, very old and I saw a demon clobber her and I thought she was dead and…
Abomination: too long without combat!
Several short battles later
Warden: By the way, just to make this clear, I’m trying to shag the hot red-head so if you’re going to get upset about it, get it out of your system now.
Leliana rivalry +10
Dog rivalry +10
Wynne: I shall try to contain my disappointment. (turns to Leliana) And you my dear have my sympathy.
The party proceeds upstairs to the next identical floor. They are promptly ambushed by a group of blood mages. Dog rushes in, dodges Wynne’s fireballs and does a remarkably good job of actually helping in the fight.
Warden: What the…
Alistair: The dog… it didn’t die to friendly fire, run in the wrong direction or get stuck behind an invisible barrier!
Leliana: Perhaps it’s broken?
Warden: Dog, are you feeling alright?
Dog: Woof?
Alistair: Did that dog just say “woof”?
Leliana: Of course it did, that’s what dogs do.
Warden: This is what happens when you name the damn thing Gaspode.
Blood Mage: Oh please spare me! Don’t kill me!
Warden: Oh, one of them’s still alive and has foolishly drawn our attention to that fact.
Alistair: She’s a blood mage! We can’t trust her.
Blood Mage: I’m not! I… um… I just had a nose bleed while casting a spell.
Alistair: Then why does it say “Blood Mage:” before your dialogue?
Blood Mage: Typographical error? Maybe it should say “Good Mage:” or “Blonde Mage:”
Warden: You’re a redhead. Which is good since redheads are hot…
Leliana friendship +10
Blood Mage: Then maybe it should be “Bloody Mage:” the writer is English right? They say “bloody” a lot. Damn it, I’m not fooling you, am I?
Wynne: I am so very disappointed in you.

monkey

Warden: Oh just bugger off, the Templars downstairs can deal with you.
Wynne rivalry +10
Warden: Is anyone not my rival yet? Honestly you’re all as bad as Morrigan.
Dog rivalry +10
Warden: Morrigan!
Dog: No I’m not!
Warden: You shapeshifted into a dog?
Alistair: She always was a bitch
Doggigan rivalry +10
Morrigan: Ok! You caught me. Can I please stay?
Warden: If you stay as a dog so you don’t take up a party space, fine.

They enter a room and find a Templar and a desire demon.
Demon: I do not wish to fight you
Alistair: Don’t trust it!
Wynne: Don’t trust it!
Leliana: Don’t trust it! Ooh but she is kinda hot.

parasite
parasite2

Doggigan: She’s just a demon, be careful if you trust it.
Warden: Aren’t you supposed to be smarter than that?
Doggigan: I’m an apostate working under DA2 style rules
Warden (turning back to the demon): Why should I trust you?
Templar: This is my wife and she is lovely and trustworthy and has not hypnotised me in any way shape or form. I am happy. Leave us be.
Warden: Oh, ok then.
Demon: Wait, you seek the First Enchanter yes?
Warden: I suppose so.
Demon: Perhaps we can make a deal. In the next room is another demon. We don’t get along. Kill it and I shall help you.
Warden: Kill a demon. I think we can manage that.
Alistair: Wait, we shouldn’t do what a demon wants we should always kill demons. But if the demon wants us to kill a demon then we shouldn’t kill a demon because then we’re doing what a demon wants? But then…
Warden: Don’t think about it. I’m going to get rivalry points no matter what, I’m sick of this repetitive combat so I’m just going to kill only the stuff that’s actually in the way or attacking us. Mistress demon, you have a deal. And mister Templar you may want to ask your wife to put some clothes on when you have visitors.

The party proceed to the next room where they find a big powerful demon and kill it. The desire demon and Templar waltz in.
Demon: You have done it! The way is locked but there is a key in that chest. Take the key and nothing else. That is our deal.
Alistair: No it wasn’t, that wasn’t even mentioned in the deal.
Warden: Don’t care, can’t be bothered fighting if we can skip it. We’ll take the key and leave the rest of the junk behind. It’s only good for selling anyway and I’m already rich.
Demon: I do not trust you to keep that deal! Die!
Warden: What? Why make the bloody deal in the first place then?
Warden and party kill the demon and Templar and the waves of extra demons and mind controlled templars who inexplicably jump out of thin air.
Alistair: Well, I wonder which ridiculous part of Dragon Age 2 that was taking the piss out of.

deals

Wynne: I hope you’ve learned your lesson about making deals with demons now.
Warden: I have. Always get it in writing.
Wynne rivalry +10
Wynne: This is First Enchanter Irving’s private quarters, I should probably stop you from rummaging through his desk but that would be too sensible.
Alistair: Hey there’s a lot of books about blood magic here, I wonder if that’s a clue.
Warden: Well it was a red herring in Origins but this is DA2 style so… hey what’s odd box?
Alistair: Hey I found a note about that one of the many bandits who ambushed us earlier

redjenny

Warden: “Friends of Red Jenny”? Who’s Red Jenny?
Alistair: You’ll have to wait six years to find out.

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Comments
  1. rayvio says:

    I didn’t originally intend for Wynne to have such a large role as she does in the parody but it’s almost like the characters have lives of their own and write their own dialogue… she just naturally fit in so well with the party that her role grew to more than just mandatory follower. Yet another reason poor Zev gets less of the spotlight

    Like

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