Dragon Strange: Part 11

Posted: April 3, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 11

Warden (yelling): Leliana? Leliana?
Warden walks into a room to find Leliana on her knees in front of another woman, both wearing Chantry robes.
Warden: You’re praying?
Leliana (blushing): Um… yes… that’s what I was doing. Praying.
Warden: Seriously? The demons tried to keep you here with… prayer?
Leliana: Demons? And who are you?
Warden: You don’t remember? Oh good, maybe this can be a fresh start. If I said you had a nice body…
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Damn it
Sister: Leave us be, she has plenty more… praying to do.
Warden: Leliana if you come with me then…
Sister: She would rather come with me
Oghren: Look, I know I’m probably dead and Dwarves can’t come into the Fade but I wouldn’t miss this for all the…
Leliana: Oh for Andrastes sake can we please have some privacy?
Warden: She’s a demon. Oghren might be too, although he could just be a huge perv
Oghren: Definitely the latter. Although I could be your incubus if you want
Warden: You are really not my type
Oghren: Not you! Her! Well, unless… no!
Warden: You’re a bard, not a priestess. Come with me.
Sister: Oh she shall come with…
Leliana: You said that already. Wait… I remember you. You weren’t a Chantry sister you were that shy girl in Lothering who listened to my stories but always stayed away from the Templars. Bethany?

sister

Bethany: Yes, yes, the whole Sister thing was a double meaning. And I’m a demon. But I’m your demon my love. I can give you everything you’ve ever wanted.
Leliana: Even…
Leliana blushes
Leliana: Even… shoes?
Bethany: What? Shoes? What good are shoes? I can offer you unimaginable…
Leliana: If you won’t buy me shoes then I’m leaving.
Bethany (transforming into a desire demon): You! You did this! You took her from me!
Warden: Well, yes. I’m rather reluctant to leave my friends and/or people I want to shag in the clutches of demons.
Bethany: How will you react when I turn your friends against you?
Warden: They’re not here. Leliana just vanished and you’d already tried that anyway
Bethany: Damn it. I’m gonna get my arse kicked now aren’t I?

She was right

Warden: Wynne! You’re old! And you smell of cat pee!
Wynne rivalry +10
Warden: Ah, found you! What… is this place?
Wynne: This is a building unlike any other. A place truly one of a kind. A part of something unique and wonderful.
Warden: What is it?
Wynne: It’s Dragon Age: Origins. The real one, not this silly parody in Dragon Age 2 style. See how this place is different from every other in the game? How it’s never recycled, never reused. Well, except in some custom player-made content, but since they don’t have a budget, art team or quite as advanced construction set it’s perfectly understandable in their case.
Warden: It’s amazing
Wynne: And over here, look at this.
Wynne opens a door and they look through.
Warden: Oh that looks terrible.
Wynne: Look beyond the graphics.
A girl with pinkish hair is talking to a blonde girl who looks somewhat elvish
Pinkhair: Sometimes, when it’s quiet… I can hear the taint in my heart whispering to me. It says awful things and I almost want to scream to shut them out.
Blonde: (gasp!) You… you haven’t done anything that it’s said, have you?
Pinkhair: Well… other than that time I got up in the middle of the night to snatch a bag of cinnamon cookies, heck no.
Blonde: Oh, good… what? Cinnamon cookies?
Pinkhair: Ha ha! Oh, come on, Aerie! Lighten up, willya? I’ll tell ya what, if I have any desires to murder you in the middle of the night, you’ll be the first to know, okay?
Warden: I wonder if they’re single?
Leliana rivalry +10
Imoen rivalry +10
Aerie rivalry +10
Wynne rivalry +10

baldurs

Warden: I really hope nobody bills me for the damage to the fourth wall.
Wynne (sighing): In my day it was different. So very, very different. But I know this isn’t real. Times have changed and I cannot dwell on the past. Let us move on, and hope that the future can offer games as great as these.
Wynne vanishes
Warden: Sloth! You… damn it, how do you insult a lazy demon?
Imoen: Sloth’s over that way.
Warden: Thanks.
Alistair: Hey! What about me?

Warden marches onto Sloth’s island, Wynne, Morrigan and Leliana appear behind him.
Warden: Qwerty’s Angels, let’s kick some ass!
Sloth: I offered you your dreams come true and this is how you repay me? Perhaps instead you would prefer… YOUR NIGHTMARES! So how about it Warden? Would you like another massage?
Warden: AAAARRRGH!
Zevran rivalry +10
Leliana: You must be strong! You must fight…
Marjoline: Leliana…
Leliana: I am not afraid of you!
Marjoline: Oh but my dear… (she turns into Leliana) you are me!
Leliana: Nooooooooooooooooooo
Wynne: Now that’s just silly
Sloth: Wynne, we just got you a part in a new computer game. It’s called Gryphon Age, a story full of Gryphons and gryphons and gryphons and…
Wynne: Too many feathers oh no I can’t take it STOP ASKING FOR GRYPHONS
Morrigan: Ok that was funny. But you won’t scare me.
Sloth: Morrigan. I love you
Morrigan runs away
Sloth: I guess I win
Alistair runs in
Alistair: I’m (puts on sunglasses) tired of you. YEEEAAAAAAH
Sloth: What? That was…
Alistair pulls out a gun and shoots him
Alistair: Yes! I did it! Epic victory for me! Alistair for the win!
Wynne: What? For… me? I had no idea. I…
She runs up to Alistair and hugs him then plants kisses on him
Alistair: No! Help!

Back in the Tower of Is… sorry, Mages Tower. The Warden and party wake up.
Warden: Some dream
Alistair: Yes, dream. Not real. Didn’t happen.
Warden: I hope we’re nearly done here. Then we can go to Orz…
Alistair: Denerim.
Warden: You know, there’s a reason I tried to leave you in the Fade.
Alistair: Well I saved your ass, so you owe me.
Wynne: So that was you!
Alistair: Quick, we must save the rest of the Tower! No time to dawdle, chat, hug or kiss. Especially not hug or kiss. We must move on!
Wynne: So very brave and selfless
Morrigan: Even I almost feel sorry for him. Almost

The party enter another room and find a Templar, Cullen, sitting in a circle of light next to a stairwell.
Cullen: Leave me alone demonic abomination vision things!
Warden: We’re real
Cullen: Oh. Uldred’s upstairs. Kill him and save us all. But please kill all the other mages up there too just because I’m stark raving mad at the moment
Warden: Wouldn’t you feel bad about their deaths being on your hands?
Cullen: Nope because my character will be retconned and be the most sane Templar in the sequel. Actually that thought scares even me.

cullen

Warden: Right. Well I’m not going to kill the mages
Cullen: Aww, why not?
Warden: Partly because it’s wrong, partly because I’m too lazy to fight things that don’t attack me first and partly because I just like to make templars cry
Alistair: Don’t say things like that! You know it upsets me!
Cullen: I’ll be back! And this time I won’t be insane! And I won’t share my voice actor! I will be… oh, they left. Back to my crossword puzzle then

Uldred: I want to put a demon in you
Warden: I hope that’s not some kind of euphemism
Uldred: What if it is? (winks)
Warden: Exhibit A: hot redhead. You don’t compare.
Uldred: I don’t think it matters! All will serve me! All will die! All will bring me cake! Possibly in that order!

cake

Alistair: The cake…
Warden: No
Alistair: Oh come on, please?
Warden: No
Alistair: But it’s a good line! Everyone loves it!
Warden: We’re saving it for later
Alistair: Really? Ok, I’ll wait
Irving: Can you just hurry up and save us?
Uldred: Naughty Irving! You’re supposed to be under my control! Resistance is useless!
Alistair: Futile!
Warden: Actually the Vogons predate the Borg and they said it was useless
Leliana: Actually I have +magical resistance gear and it is not useless or futile. It’s both useful and fashionable
Uldred: I don’t think it matters! Die!
Uldred turns into a huge demon and lots of waves of demons appear from nowhere
Wynne: Use the litany!
Warden: The what?
Wynne: Drat! I knew we forgot something!
Warden and party clear out all the demons. Irving is the only surviving mage
Wynne: Oh well, the result would have been the same even if we had the Litany
Irving: I’m too old and too weak to walk down all those stairs. Pick the correct dialogue option so the plot teleports us to the bottom
Morrigan: What about my mothers book?
Warden: Alistair, go find the book
Alistair: What? Why me?
Warden: Or you could help Wynne down the stairs…
Alistair: Gone to find book. Bee Are Bee

Downstairs
Gregoir: You did it! You saved the Tower!
Warden: We accept payment in cash, cheques and promises to help against the Blight
Gregoir: Since the Tower is saved the Templars cannot help, we’ll be too busy watching the mages. But the mages can help you
Warden: So wouldn’t the Templars need to follow the mages who help us and therefore be able to…
Gregoir: No! For no conceivable reason that shall not happen
Warden: Oh. Ok. Oh by the way Irving can you and some other mages come to Redcliffe and help a kid who’s been possessed by a demon?
Gregoir: It’s a good job the kid hasn’t been possessed by a demon. If he had then we would know and we would slay the abomination
Irving: Yes, we’ll help. Gregoir do you mind if some of us leave the Tower for a while without Templar supervision to help a child your job dictates that you must slay?
Gregoir: That’s fine. Have fun
Irving: Let’s be off then

Outside the tower suddenly all the mages start bleeding
Warden: What the hell just happened?
Irving: We just became blood mages. Any mage who leaves the Tower in DA2 style inevitably becomes a blood mage.

bloodmages

Warden: Won’t that be a problem?
Irving: Oh no, the Templars won’t notice. They don’t even know we’re mages, they think we’re the kitchen staff

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Comments
  1. rayvio says:

    I toyed with the idea of having the entirety of the Fade actually be a different game that Qwerty had to escape from, but eventually I decided on just having a visit to Baldur’s Gate. Partly because recreating the unique look of Qwerty in another game would be extremely difficult but largely due to it just not fitting the feel of the story
    The scene with the mages leaving the tower was one of the first that I wrote for the parody. A large part of the reason that I chose this order for the story branches was to visit the Circle early due to my impatience to use the joke.

    Like

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