Dragon Strange: Part 13

Posted: April 12, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 13

Alistair: Can we make it part 12A? I’m superstitious
Warden: No
Leliana: This is the address. It is time to confront Marjoline
Oghren: When you say confront…
Leliana: I will kill her
Oghren: No chance of angry make up sex?
Leliana: None
Oghren: I’ll be at the inn
Warden: If I ever die, remind me to just pretend it never happened
Alistair: You can just reload the last saved game anyway
Guard: Stop loitering in that doorway!
Warden: Guard do you mind turning around while my friend here picks the lock
Guard: Why? I’ll just ignore it anyway
Warden: Oh. Ok then
Warden and party enter Marjoline’s house and find some Qunari mercenaries
Qunari: We are actually Tal’Vashoth but incorrectly labelled as Qunari
Sorry. Warden and parry enter Marjoline’s house and find some Tal’Vashoth mercenaries
Tal’Vashoth: Better
Warden and party kill the Tal’Vashoth
Marjoline: Ah Leliana! So good to see you again!
Leliana: You sent assassins to kill me!
Marjoline: I just came from Antiva, I thought I’d send you the traditional Antivan greeting
Warden: We don’t believe you
Zevran: Damn, why didn’t I think of that one?
Warden: You’re not even here!
Marjoline: Leliana, you have to believe me

transparent

Leliana: You are so transparent!
Marjoline: You mean my top? It’s the latest in fashion… where on Thedas did that dwarf suddenly come from?
Oghren: Niiiiiice
Leliana: You will not hurt me or my friends again… Oghren get out of the way! I’m trying to stab her
Oghren: Spoilsport. I’m going back to the inn then. Shout if you run into any more scantily clad women
Marjoline: Such strange company you keep my little Leliana
Leliana: I could almost forgive your betrayal, your framing me for treason and murder. But I will never ever forgive you for NOT CALLING ME THE MORNING AFTER!
Marjoline: But the telephone has not been invented yet!
Leliana decapitates Marjoline while everyone else stares in shock. The severed head flies towards the Warden who instinctively catches it.
Alistair: I guess your efforts paid off, she finally…
Alistair puts on his sunglasses
Alistair: Gave you head. YEEEAAAAAAH
Morrigan: Where did you get those glasses anyway?
Warden takes a couple of steps backwards and looks around uneasily
Warden: Well… I think we should be off then
Leliana: I would like to talk to you at camp
Warden: Right. Right. Absolutely

The party return to Denerim marketplace
Guard: Hmm, bloody footprints leading out of the house, a suspicious looking group of people completely drenched in blood walking out… either somebody’s done a murder in there or you spilt ketchup
Warden: Brave enough to find out?
Guard: Um… well, those ketchup bottles are a pain to open sometimes aren’t they? I can sympathise. From far away. Be on your way
Alistair: Hey look, a cake stall!
Merchant: We got all kinds of cakes here! Carrot cake, chocolate cake, fruitcake, cheesecake…
Warden: I’ll take this one
Merchant: A good choice, good choice indeed. That’ll be one sovereign
Alistair: The cake is…
Warden: Shut up
Alistair: Oh hey look, that’s my sisters house! Can we go say hello?
Warden: Fine
Goldanna: If you’re here for laundry I charge extra for removing bloodstains
Alistair: Hello. I’m your brother
Goldanna: You what?
Alistair: I don’t know if you know this but your mother… our mother, worked for King Marric and…
Goldanna: I knew it! You’re the baby! They said you was dead!
Alistair: I’m not a baby! Well, I suppose I was once but I’m not now
Morrigan: Debatable
Goldanna: You rich then?
Alistair: What? No. I’m…
Goldanna: Piss off then. Come back if you get rich.
Warden: I think she only wants your money
Alistair: You may be right
Leliana: Want me to decapitate her?
Alistair: No! Well maybe… no!
Warden: Hey look at this, “grey wardens come to the pearl to meet us. we promise this is not a trap”. I think that might be a trap
Alistair: What should we do?
Warden: Ignore it I suppose. What’s the Pearl anyway?
Leliana: It’s a brothel
Warden: We should go and investigate this trap
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Please don’t kill me
Alistair: Look there’s Brother Genitivi’s house. Perhaps we should call in there first?
Warden: Ok. If we’re going to reward ourselves at the brothel then I suppose we should ‘urn’ our reward first
Alistair: Ooh that was a good one, want to borrow my sunglasses and say it again?
Warden: No
Sten: But that’s my line!

In Genitivi’s house
‘Weylon: Who are you?
Warden: Are you Genitivi?
‘Weylon’: Yes. I mean no. I mean… hang on a second
‘Weylon’ pulls a note out of his pocket, reads it and puts it back
‘Weylon’: I am Weylon, Genitivi’s assistant.
Warden: Where’s Genitivi?
‘Weylon’: He went to… hold on
He checks the note again
‘Weylon: Lake Cal… ca I can’t read this. You read it
Warden: It says “pretend to be Genitivi’s assistant Weylon and send anyone looking for him to an ambush at Lake Calenhad. Do not tell them about Haven”
‘Weylon’: Thanks. He’s at Lake Calenhad
Warden: I think you’re lying

impostor

Weylon’: I’m not! I swear on the corpse of the real Weylon that I am not an impostor!
Warden: You’re not very good at this are you?
Weylon’: I knew I should’ve joined the Discworld dragon cult instead. All they had to do was give a gold item and chant “dragon dragon dragon” a lot
Warden: The game or the books?
‘Weylon’: Game. Book was a bit more complicated and involved being burnt to a crisp.
Warden: Well that’s going to happen here too. Morrigan, if you’d please
Morrigan casts fireball
Alistair roasts marshmallows
Warden: Guess we’ll be going to Haven then. Let’s head to camp first.

At camp…
Leliana: I hate you
Warden: Please don’t kill me
Leliana: But since you got maximum rivalry and flirted with me that means I also inexplicably love you and will use only slightly different dialogue to what I would say if you maxed my friendship
Warden: Please don’t kill me
Leliana: I won’t kill you
Warden: Oh good
Leliana: So long as you never leave me, betray me, call me fat, sleep with anyone else unless I’m there to join in…
Oghren: Can I watch?
Leliana: Mention any of what we do to the dwarf or complain about me harvesting your eyelashes

eyelashes

Warden: I… love you?
Leliana: Good boy
Leliana kisses him

Sten: Where is the cake? I was told you had cake.
Warden: Here you go, a lime cheesecake
Sten: The cake is a lime!
Alistair: It’s about time!

Warden: Ok we forgot a few things in Denerim so we’re just going to go back and meet you at Haven
Leliana: You’re planning to sneak to the Pearl
Warden: Please don’t kill me
Leliana: I want to go too!
Oghren: And me!
Warden and Leliana: No!

The Pearl
Isabela: Well hello there. Fancy a ‘duelling’ lesson? (winks)
Leliana: Only if I can come too
Alistair: Wait, isn’t she the one Jowan got those STDs from that poisoned Eamon?

pearl

Isabela: Jowan, which one was he? Was he the one who complained that it burnt afterwards? Or the one who said it had spots? Or the one who said it turned into a chicken and flew away? Ooh was he the one who…
Warden: Suddenly not interested
Leliana: Me neither
Isabela: Damn it. I have got to find some kind of miracle cure or I’ll never keep my reputation of being easier than Dragon Age 2 on casual difficulty
Warden: Miracle cure! That’s it! The Ashes of Andraste!
Leliana: Yes! They can cure anything!
Warden: We’ll be back!
Isabela: What an odd couple
Oghren: Hey, I don’t mind a few diseases, I’m already dead.
Isabela: Dead? Wait, no I’m not that picky, maybe I should’ve been in Fahrenheit (aka Indigo Prophecy). Come along to my ship then

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Comments
  1. rayvio says:

    could the imposter Weylon have been any more obvious? well, as demonstrated in this parody, yes he could

    Like

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