Dragon Strange: Part 14

Posted: April 15, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 14

Back at camp again

camp

Alistair: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about what happened at Redcliffe
Warden: I think it went pretty well, don’t you?
Alistair: Yes
Warden: We done then?
Alistair: Yep
Warden: Ok then. According to this map Honnleath is on the way to Haven. We can call in there and hand in the pigeon quest
Wynne: I made you all a nice picnic lunch to take with you. Extra cheese for Alistair
Warden: And for the script too probably
Leliana: You already made that joke my love who I also hate
Warden: True but we’ve reused a lot of jokes. Think of it as a way of parodying the reuse of the same dungeons
Alistair: Ok, Honnleath, Haven, back to Redcliffe and then to Orzammar
Warden: Oh yes, now I’ve got the nug now we can go to Orzammar
Alistair: Well we can’t go meet the Dalish yet, they’re still entangled in a lawsuit with Avatar over possible copyright infringement
Zevran: What about me?
Alistair: Plot hole
Warden: Oh come on, that’s just being lazy
Wynne: Leave the poor boy alone
Warden: We could leave him alone with you
Alistair: No please don’t, I’ll be good. I promise
Warden: Ok, Alice, Morrigan and sexy redhead…
Oghren: Me?
Warden: Hell no. Go back to being dead

wig

Sten: Me?
Warden: Where on Thedas did you get that wig? And no, not you
Sten rivalry +10
Leliana: Perhaps you should call me by name?
Warden: Or we could make up soppy pet names for each other
Leliana: You can be Schmoooples
Warden: Isn’t that your nugs name?
Leliana: No he’s Schmooples. You’re Schmoooples
Warden: Second thoughts let’s stick to real names
Leliana: Because Qwerty is just so much better?
Alistair: At least he’s not named after a bird or someone who looks after sheep

The party arrive at Honnleath
Alistair: I sense Darkspawn
Warden: Oh yes, about that. How come I can only sense them after investing points in survival and that makes me sense anything, not just Darkspawn?
Alistair: Um… oh look, a pretty flower
Warden: Actually it is rather pretty. Here you go Leliana
Leliana: This was the flower my mother used to wear! Oh I love you so much even though I hate you!
Alistair: What, that same flower? She planted it here after she’d finished with it?
Warden: No friendship points?
Leliana: You reached max rivalry so nothing you do can change it
Warden: I could practically worship you and you’d still hate me just as much?
Leliana: Yes

leli

Warden: I could treat you like, well like Alistair, and you’d still love me?
Leliana: Yes. But if you’re treating Alistair like you treat me then we shall have words. Or threesomes
Alistair: I’m game! What’s a threesome?
Warden: Well in that case, make me a sandwich bitch
Leliana: Wynne already made us lunch
Warden: I know but…
Leliana: And Morrigan is the bitch. remember, the whole Doggigan thing?
Morrigan: I’m not a dog now
Alistair: I was raised by dogs you know. Or is it too late for that joke now?
Warden: Look it’s just a stupid internet joke, you know…
Morrigan: Is there any other kind of joke on the internet? Or in this parody for that matter…
Leliana: If you’re really hungry we could always eat the sandwiches after we kill these Darkspawn
Warden: Just forget I said it
Darkspawn: Attack!
Alistair: You can’t talk until the expansion
Darkspawn: You mean it’s not the expansion yet? But DA2 wasn’t this long, you should be done by now!
Warden: Well we’re not, we’re having too much fun
Darkspawn: Fun? Fun? This is an EA infested game, it’s not supposed to have any fun left in it!
Warden: We’re rebels
Darkspawn: Yeah well see if you enjoy this!

Several waves of Darkspawn later

Warden: Well it was kind of fun I guess
Alistair: True, the actual combat of DA2 style isn’t too bad
Leliana: A little fast though. I prefer my physical activity to last a while
Morrigan: ‘Tis odd how they always explode like that though
Leliana: Rather messy too
Warden: Ok this statue looks like the quest handin
Shale: My name is Sebastian Hale. Or S.Hale for short
Warden: Don’t we need to solve a puzzle or something in this DLC?
Shale: No, DA2 didn’t even have the usual easy but skippable puzzle
Warden: Oh come on, just one little puzzle?
Shale: Ok fine. My control rod is broken, fix it and I can follow you. Here’s the broken rod, a stick and a working rod with bits missing. Use the stick to move parts from the broken rod onto the replacement and…

biowaresfavouritepuzzle

Alistair: How did I know it would be that puzzle?
Warden: Right, I can solve this… there we go
Shale: Ah free at last. And you killed the pigeons too. Wait, sorry. It killed the pigeons
Warden: I’m not a killer clown
Shale: And yet it has pink hair, a green beard and is covered in blood
Warden: Fair point I suppose
Shale: So, shall I be accompanying it?
Warden: Morrigan, party’s full and the default Dog is useless…
Morrigan rivalry +10
Morrigan transforms to Doggigan again
Warden: How long until that’s maxed?
Doggigan: Has been since we first met. I just like saying it

Warden and party arrive at Haven
Guard: Welcome to Haven, enjoy your stay and by that I mean go away
Warden: Hey, that rhymes
Guard: What rhymes with piss off?
Alistair: Hiss off? Miss Moth?
Guard: It was a rhetorical question
Alistair: It was a rhetorical answer
Guard: Know what, just stop talking to me, I’m allergic to morons. Finish your business and get out

business

Doggigan: Sorry, it’s just I get a buff from doing my business
Guard: I’d rather you didn’t do it on my leg next time
Warden: Let’s look around…
Leliana: Let’s go shopping!
Warden: Fine, we’ll see if they have any supplies
Leliana: And shoes
Alistair: And miniature golem dolls
Shale: Oh it likes little golems does it? Perhaps it would like to be squished into a miniature human doll?
Doggigan: I like this golem
Shale: Tell me, can you turn into a pigeon?
Doggigan: Um… no?
Shale: Good

Storekeeper: We don’t get many strangers here. Yet we still have a shop even though NPCs never use them. What do you want?
Warden: I guess we should stock up on the usual health potions and stuff
Leliana: Do you have shoes?
Storekeeper: Sold out I’m afraid. Even though nobody buys anything. Ever. It’s not suspicious. At all
Leliana: Maybe you have more in the back?
Storekeeper: No! You can’t go back there! DIE!
One quick fight later
Warden: Great, couldn’t we have done that before I paid him for these goods? And why can’t I loot the money back? Did he deposit it in some kind of invisible piggy bank?

shoes

Leliana: Hey these aren’t shoes back here, these are dead Redcliffe Knights! I can’t wear them on my feet!
Alistair: The plot thickens!
Doggigan: It’s not the only thing that’s thick…
Warden: Well there’s only one thing to do
Leliana: Give them a proper burial and pray for their souls?
Warden: Take all their stuff
They loot the bodies and leave the store
Guard: This is why we don’t like strangers!
Warden: Because they find your poorly hidden and smelly corpses?
Guard: Well, yeah. We’d have buried them but the graveyard’s reserved for jokes
Doggigan: I think most of Alistair’s jokes should be dead and buried
Alistair: That would be a… did you steal my sunglasses?
Doggigan: Yes
Alistair (sulkily): a grave mistake. yeeeah. No, it’s just not the same
Guard: Attack!
Combat ensues
Warden: Let’s head to the Chantry
Leliana: Yes, we should pray for their souls
Warden: I was thinking we should just kill everyone in there
Leliana: That works too
Alistair: I guess she really is Princess Stabbitty after all

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Comments
  1. rayvio says:

    Elves get it pretty badly in the Dragon Age universe. The Dalish lost their homes (but at least they don’t have to wear environmental suits) and are looked down on by almost everyone except other elves. The City Elves live in poverty and are looked down on by almost everyone including other elves… then DA2 comes along and turns them into hideous abominations and I don’t mean the ones possessed by demons. But the elves are for later

    Like

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