Dragon Strange: Part 15

Posted: April 20, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 15

Warden and party enter the Haven Chantry
Eirik: And then Andraste said unto the Maker…
Alistair: Mummy!


Eirik: No, she said “I want to be a dragon” selecting the sarcastic dialogue option. The Maker in his infinite wisdom…
Alistair: He looks just like Eamon!
Warden: I think it’s the beard
Leliana: They’re blaspheming! Andraste never asked to be a dragon, she picked all the nice dialogue options. Well, and the flirty ones of course
Eirik: Blasphemer!
Warden: I think there’s only one way to settle this
Eirik: With a religious debate quoting our favoured holy texts?
Warden: I was thinking more along the lines of killing you all since you’re an insane murder cult
Eirik: Fair enough, but can you let me finish this verse? We usually do the ritual sacrifices on the hour
Warden: Well this is the hour of your demise!
Leliana: Time to meet your Maker!
Doggigan: We’re going to clean your clock!
Shale: It does like the silly jokes doesn’t it?
Alistair: Can I have my sunglasses back please?

Some combat later…
Leliana: That fight took a while
Warden: Yes it did drag-on a bit
Shale: It is planning on finding more meatbags… I mean fleshy creatures to kill yes?
Warden: They always find us
Shale: How convenient!


Warden: Hey look, this wall is a secret door!
Leliana: I wonder what’s behind it?
Doggigan: Treasure?
Warden: Naked ladies?
Alistair: Cheese?
Shale: Augmentation crystals?
Warden: What?
Shale: If you find any shiny rocks you can stick them on me to make me look pretty and have better stats
Leliana: Oh you must be a girl golem!
Shale: What? Of course I’m not! Next thing you’ll be mistaking me for a Dwarf!
Alistair: Hah, girl Dwarves? As if there’s any of those in DA2 style!
Warden: Well there’s nothing here except for an old man with a broken leg


Shale: Can we squish him?
Genitivi: Please don’t!
Warden: Brother Genitivi?
Genitivi: Yes? Are you another cultist?
Warden: Do I look like a cultist?
Genitivi: You look like a mad man covered in blood. So yes
Alistair: We’re here to rescue you. And to find the Urn of Sacred Ashes
Warden: Did you find them?
Genitivi: Ashctually I did. They’re nearby in a temple, but it has a complex locking mechanism that you’ll need my help to open
Warden: Alistair can carry you
Alistair: Why can’t the golem do it?
Shale: If it calls me ‘golem’ again I shall tear its arms off
Warden: That’s why. You can’t tear arms off
Doggigan: That’s right, Alice is completely ‘armless
Shale: It certainly will be if it isn’t careful

The group arrive at the entrance to Haven Temple
Genitivi: Ok so this is a very complex lock. You see these three spindles? I need to move all these discs across from this one…


Genitivi: And there we go. I’m going to wait just inside the entrance so I can make notes on all the death traps you run into
Warden: Alistair, you go in front
Cultist: Attack!
Alistair: Can I please have my glasses back now?
Doggigan: No
Cultist: Attack!
Alistair: Pretty please?
Doggigan: Oh alright. I’ve been chewing them though
Alistair: Eww, witch slobber
Leliana: My money says they end up in bed together before the game ends
Doggigan makes throwing up noises. Alistair looks confused. Which is the same as usual
Warden: Think they’ll do it doggy style?
Shale: If it has quite finished making me sick can we please find more squishy cultists to squish?
They pass through a cave and fight some baby dragons
Kolgrim: You will not defile this temple!
Alistair: Oh look, another loony
Kolgrim: We are Andraste’s chosen! Her faithful servants! You have defiled her Temple! You have killed her children!
Leliana: You mean the dragons? Andraste is not a dragon! This is madness!


Kolgrim: No…. THIS…. IS…. HAVEN…
He attempts to kick Shale, being the nearest party member, down a well
Kolgrim: My foot! My poor bloody foot!
Warden: Well I suppose that’s the only way to make that annoying old meme funny
Alistair: Now he’s…
Alistair puts on the chewed sunglasses
Alistair: Hopping mad! YEEEEEAAAAAAH
Warden: And that’s one way to kill the laughter
Doggigan: You have drool on your face
Alistair: Totally worth it
Warden chops off Kolgrims good leg
Alistair: Now he hasn’t got… (sunglasses) a leg to stand on! YEEEAAAAH!
Kolgrim: ’tis only a flesh wound!
Shale kicks him in the face. Kolgrim falls down the well
Alistair: All’s well that ends… (sunglasses) well. YEEEEAAAAAH!
Leliana: We don’t get fooled again… sorry, I got caught up in the mood
Alistair: Ooh look, he was carrying a horn. We could start up a band, you sing and I play the horn
Alistair blows the horn. A very, very loud roar responds
Alistair: Oops
Warden: Oh well done. We were going to try a stealthy approach but you blew it
Alistair offers the sunglasses, Warden slaps them away
Leliana: Look at the size of that thing!
Doggigan: Bet you wish she said that to you
Warden: Busy not being eaten by a dragon, I’ll insult you later!
Shale: Dragons, they fly yes?
Warden: What? Of course they bloody do!
Shale: And they eat, yes?
Alistair: It wants to eat us!
Shale: So they also… excrete?
Warden: I suppose so
Shale: There’s a lot of statues around here…
Warden: I bet it isn’t careful to avoid them!

Shale lets out a huge roar and leaps onto the dragon. The dragon tries to shake the golem off but Shale is too strong. After much wrestling Shale manages to snap the dragons neck and throws the lifeless monster into the cliff wall.
Alistair: I’m glad he’s on our side
Doggigan: I’m glad he didn’t see me getting a buff from one of those statues
Warden: We must be near the Urn now, come on
Guardian: Stop! Only the worthy may visit the final resting place of Andraste and see her Ashes


Warden: But we need those ashes to cure a whore so we can have an orgy with her! Oh, and to save some dying guy
Guardian: Even so, you must first pass… THE THREE TRIALS
Warden: Treasure huntery, thieving and sword fighting?
Guardian: Stop monkeying around and get on with it.

They enter a room where a figure is sitting in a chair facing away from them. As they approach the figure rises and turns around. It’s Teyrna Eleanor Cousland’s zombie
Warden: Mother!
Eleanor: I knew you would come
Warden: I should have watched over you more closely, I should’ve…
Eleanor: My little girl, sorry it’s the hair, it confuses me… My little boy has become so strong. I love you. You’ve always made me so proud. Just…
Warden: What is it? Anything!
Eleanor: Remind me never to voice somebody’s mother in a BioWare game again
The group share a moment of silence and Eleanor’s corpse vanishes.
Alistair: Damn it, we were too late to loot her!
Warden: I’m going to kill you!
Alistair: I’m sorry!
Warden: I didn’t say that
Warden: I know. I did
Alistair: Can I kill the other me?
Warden, Leliana, Shale, Alistair and Doggigan attack Warden, Leliana, Shale, Alistair and Doggigan
Alistair: I know how to deal with this!
Alistair sheathes his sword
The other Alistair stabs the now defenceless Alistair
Warden: Was that ours or theirs?
Doggigan: Who cares? We win either way
Leliana: We don’t have to fight you know. I’m sure there’s other things we could do with each other
Leliana: It’s like you read my mind
Everyone stops fighting to stare at the two Leliana’s as they start to make out
Shale and Doggigan make short work of the distracted clones
Doggigan: I guess they got men to play our doubles.
Shale: Wait, isn’t everyone bisexual?
Doggigan: I’m only bi if the Warden is female
Shale: Ah. Which Warden is the real one?
Doggigan: Kill them both to be safe
After combat Alistair, Warden and Leliana get back to their feet.
Warden: It’s a good job we come back from the dead so long as one party member survives
Doggigan: You do? I mean… yes, I knew that
Leliana: That was soooo worth dying for
Warden: Agreed!
Alistair: What? What did I miss?
Warden: Come on, one more trial to go

The group enter a room with a deep chasm and some engraved stones surrounding it
Warden: A puzzle!
Alistair: Look, a see through bridge appears when I stand on this one
Oghren: See through what? Blouse?
Alistair: No! But wait, look you appeared on that stone and now the bridge section is solid
Shale, Leliana and Doggigan all stand on stones and together form a complete solid bridge
Warden: Well that was easy. Why do I get the feeling we cheated that somehow?
Oghren: Bah, this is boring. I’m leaving again
Leliana: Look, this inscription says we have to get naked and run through this fire
Oghren: Wait! I’m on my way back!
They strip off, walk through the fire and get dressed again just in time for Oghren to arrive
Oghren: Damn it!
Leliana: The Urn of Sacred Ashes! We found it!
Alistair: We should take a handful and leave the rest
Warden: Sod that, I’m retiring from the Wardens and starting up my own pharmacy!


Guardian: No! I cannot allow it! Take only a handful and no more
Warden: Shale, your hands are pretty big… carry this please
Shale: Oh fine, but only because It asked nicely
Guardian: But… but…
Warden: See? Only a handful. Bye!
Guardian: … damn it. Now I need a new job

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  1. rayvio says:

    BioWare really do love that puzzle… it appears in Mass Effect and… um… I think one of the Knights of the Old Republic games? Maybe Jade Empire? I can’t remember. Maybe they’re only slightly fond of it then


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