Dragon Strange: Part 16

Posted: April 23, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 16

Genitivi: You’re back! Did you find… is that…?
Warden: We got the Urn
Genitivi: I am not worthy!
Warden: Bugger off then
Genitivi: It’s just a figure of speech. Can I see?
Warden: I’ll do better than that. Look at that
Genitivi turns around and the Warden throws a knife into the back of his skull

murderknife

Leliana and Alistair look shocked
Shale: It really knows how to make my day
Doggigan: If I was in human form I’d hug you!
Leliana: You… you killed him!
Warden pulls out the knife and sprinkles some ashes on the wound
Genitivi: That hurt!
Warden: But the ashes worked
Genitivi: Wait, you hadn’t already tested them?
Warden: That was the test
Genitivi: I could’ve died!
Warden: Well you’re not important, and surely a decision of leaving you alive or dead isn’t going to effect the sequel at all, that’ll be big decisions like which party members survive, who’s romanced, who rules where and such
Alistair hides an evil grin with his hand
Warden: Besides I’d never hurt Leliana, I wouldn’t trust Doggigan to stay dead even without the ashes and she can carry a grudge and I doubt Shale would die easily. Sadly we need Alistair to take the throne
Alistair: Wait, what? No no no no no no no no! Eamon should be king. Or queen.
Genitivi: Let’s just get back to Denerim
Alistair: Redcliffe
Genitivi: Denerim
Alistair: Redcliffe
Genitivi: Dener…. Redcliffe. How did you do that?
Warden: At least it’s not just me who gets railroaded

The party return to Redcliffe yet again
Bella: Brains!
Warden throws some ashes in her face
Bella: Oh hello again. I just had the strangest dream…
Owen: Brains!
Valena: Brains!
Some ash throwing later, they arrive at Redcliffe Castle
Teagan: You return! Do…
Warden: Why does everyone tell me that? Do you think I didn’t know? Maybe I thought I was in Orlais shagging the Divine?
Leliana: That’s blasphemous! I wonder if she’s sexy though. I do hope she’s not old…
Isolde: Is that… the Urn? Um… we should do thorough tests before trying it on my husband. It might make him worse
Warden: Already tested. Works on anything short of decapitation. Oh, and you’re gonna need a new innkeeper. I’ve got an idea for a new name for the inn though, how about Lloyd’s Head?
Teagan: It’ll be alright, nobody likes him, and Isolde, we’ll always have the broom closet
Warden: Oh dear… we’ve run out of ashes
Alistair: WHAT? I told you not to kill and resurrect everyone we met on the way! I can’t believe this…
Warden: Just kidding
Warden sprinkles ashes on Eamon
Warden: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, wake up if you must.
Eamon: Oh… I just had the strangest dream
Teagan: That was no dream, a lot has happened…
Eamon: Wait, Bella really was in here with an identical twin sister?
Warden: Now that would be worth visiting the Fade again for
Teagan: These people saved you Eamon, and your son. And everyone except Lloyd
Eamon: Oh good, never liked him anyway. Oh, is that Alice?
Alistair: Alistair
Eamon: Right, well let’s talk strategy. But first we should reward these heroes
Warden: I noticed you have a nice treasury
Eamon: I now pronounce you Champion of Redcliffe!

champion

Warden: What does that mean? Do we get golden belts or something?
Eamon: Well, your camp has been upgraded to a mansion. It should have been earlier really but… wait, you have been to the Deep Roads, right?
Warden: Not yet, and a mansion isn’t very practical considering all the travelling we have to do
Eamon: A caravan then. A luxury caravan. Also you’ll need to stay here for three years during which nothing of interest will happen, at least not until we release some more DLC…
Warden: I knew he’d try to sell us some DLC!
Eamon: We’ll also make a statue that looks nothing like you and put it in the docks
Warden: We can’t wait three years! We have an appointment at the Pearl! And a Blight to stop!
Eamon: Such is the price of being Champion
Warden: I’ll pick a differ…

THREE YEARS LATER…

Warden: …ent specialisation then. Wait, what just happened?
Eamon: Three years passed. Champion, much has happened in these last few years (actually nothing has changed and consequences of things you did three years ago will only show up now, all at once) and we must make plans about Loghain
Warden: Three years? Gone? Just like that?
Eamon: We must call a Landsmeet!
Alistair: Oh no, now Wynne’s going to be even older
Leliana: We’ve been dating three years? When are you going to propose?
Teagan and Isolde stagger out of the closet
Isolde: By the Maker that seemed to last years!
Teagan gives a goofy grin and collapses in exhaustion
Eamon: Follow up on the rest of your treaties and then we’ll call a Landsmeet
Warden: Is there any reason we couldn’t have done that during the three years of nothingness?

Back at camp they find Sten, Wynne, Zevran, Bodhan and Sandal sitting outside a huge caravan
Bodhan: Now this is more like it, travelling in style! You’ve been gone an awful long time though, we were starting to worry
Warden: You waited here for three years?
Wynne: Has it been that long? Oh Alistair, I’ve missed you so!
Alistair: Did I ever mention that I’m a Templar?
Wynne: I do love a man in uniform
Alistair: Ex-Templar
Warden: You could say he put the temp in Templar
Wynne: Oh good, then your vow of chastity doesn’t count any more
Doggigan: Vow of… oh my, Alice is a…
Warden: What, you’ve never…?
Alistair: Never what? Licked a lamppost in winter?
Wynne: Would you like to lick a lamppost… in Wynneter (she winks)
Alistair faints
Warden: I think you broke him
Wynne: Oh that was fun
Doggigan: Told you
Warden: Wait, that was all… a trick?
Wynne: Honestly, I’m old enough to be his great grandmother. Morrigan promised to share some of Flemeth’s magic with me if I helped her wind him up. Since I’m an apostate blood mage abomination now, having been outside the Tower for more than three seconds, I may as well learn some real power
Leliana: Poor Alistair. I guess he’ll miss our trip to the Pearl now. Perhaps Zevran should come instead?

horse

Bodhan: There’s just one small problem. The caravan is designed to be pulled by horses but there are no such creatures in these games
Warden: Remember how you said you’d be our manservant?
Bodhan: Oh no…
Sandal: Enchantment?

One fade-to-black foursome at the Pearl later…
Isabela: That was amazing! I might even remember that later, if your import doesn’t bug

import

Leliana: I’m just surprised that pervy dwarf didn’t show up
Zevran: Oh he did. I offered to give him a massage but he ran away
Warden: So, is that it then? We won the game?
Leliana: Don’t be silly, that wasn’t the goal of the game. That’s a suit of armour you’re wearing, not a leisure suit
Warden: Oh yes, we had a Blight to stop. Where now?
Leliana: Orzammar I think
Isabela: Perhaps you’d like to make another visit to my Deep Roads before you go?
Warden: We already lost three years, I think we can afford to wait a little longer
Isabela: Wait, three years? Damn! I’ve got an appointment to get a hideous piercing and ridiculously oversized breast implants then I’ve got to get to Kirkwall, oh shit I’m late!
Leliana: Strange girl

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