Dragon Strange: Part 17

Posted: April 30, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 17

Bodhan and Sandal are pulling the Warden’s caravan through a forest when a man runs past them and gets shot full of arrows
Bodhan: Quick my boy, gather up all the arrows to sell to the Warden for extraordinary high prices! Special discount, hah!
Sandal: Enchantment?
Warden: What’s going on? Why have we stopped?
Guy full of arrows: War… Warden?
Warden: Hello? Have we met?
Guy half full of arrows: I’m dying, is that important?
Alistair: He has a point
Warden: Several actually, all stuck in him like a pin cushion
Alistair: Hey I know you! You’re one of King Cailan’s guards!
Guy: Yes! Warden, you have to go back… to Ostagar!

ost1
ost2
ost3
ost4
ost5
ost6
ost7

Alistair: He’s dead!
Warden: Probably a side effect of having a dozen arrows in him. No wait, two arrows. Bodhan, why are you gathering up all the arrows?
Bodhan: Souvenirs?
Sandal: Enchantment!
Alistair: Does he know any other words?
Sandal: No I don’t
Alistair: Oh… ok then
Warden: Well Morrigan wants us to go kill her mother anyway, I’m sure we could stop at Ostagar while we’re there
Wynne: Wait, you actually bought the DLC?
Warden: Yes, fine, I upgraded to the Ultimate Edition ok? They gave me Mass Effect 2 for free and I already had it so I swapped it

awakening

Alistair: Does that mean we’re doing Awakening as well? I’m not sure I have time for that, I might have to just make a cameo
Warden: That’s fine, I’m sure that any of you who can’t make it will be replaced by characters with just as much depth, dialogue and such. Besides, the most important thing is I heard it has the fan favourite redhead in it, so all’s well
Leliana: Really? I shall have to check with my agent. He never mentioned this
Morrigan: Can we get a move on? We have evil witchy mothers to kill
Alistair: There’s more than one? Wait, are we killing Wynne too?
Warden: No. Probably not. Well, maybe. If she tries to knit me another hat definitely
Wynne: There is nothing wrong with that hat!
Warden: It’s three times the size of my head, vomit coloured and says “Gay Warden” on it
Wynne: It was a harmless typo!
Warden: This parody is being written by a brit you idiot! So we’re Grey Wardens not Gray! It’s not even a conceivable typo under those circumstances!
Wynne: Well excuse me for favouring the official lore spelling over the spelling of a parody writer
Alistair: But that’s not the official…
Warden: Don’t worry, just wait a couple of parts, it gets brought up again since the writer realised it later on during the original draft
Morrigan: Wait, are we parodying the parody now? Can we do that?
Alistair: Better be careful or we might have to deal with the same “oh look it’s fifty thousand waves of identical enemies” joke again
Leliana: Or disapproving rivalries
Warden: Or those awful CSI jokes
Alistair: Hey! I wrote all those myself
Rayvio: Stop taking credit for my work Alice. No, wait, those puns were awful, you can take the blame for those
Warden: Fourth Wall come back, all is forgiven
Merrill: What happened to the first three? No, wait. I’m too early aren’t I? I’ll come back later for the sequel
Shale: Shall I make another It joke? I’ve been reading up on the Addams Family. Pop culture references are an acceptable form of humour aren’t they?
Bodhan: Since we’re stopping perhaps you’d like to buy something? This fine leather coat, maybe a gift for your Elven masseuse? Or these lovely boots for your girlfriend with the foot fetish? Perhaps some arrows?
Warden: Why is it that the dead guy is now naked and you’re trying to sell his stuff? Is this where you get all your merchandise?
Bodhan: Of course not! Only most of it.
Sandal: Enchantment!
Warden: Ok fine, I forgive you. But only because your son is so funny. You should be thankful to your wife that you have him.
Bodhan: Wife… son… oh… yes, yes of course. Very grateful
Warden: He IS your son, right?
Bodhan: Oh yes of course. Certainly. Mostly. Sort of. I expect so, metaphorically. After all, aren’t we all just one big family?
Warden: Great. A mad witch, a murderer, a stupid templar comedian, an omnisexual elf, a dead dwarf, an abomination and now a kidnapper. Shall we just go recruit some drug dealers or… what’s that look for?
Bodhan: Well I have been selling lyrium to the Mages Collective…
Zevran: And don’t forget that I am also an assassin. Hired to kill you in fact
Warden: Oh yes, bloody wonderful. What next, is Loghain his bloody self going to join our damn party?
Alistair: Hah, that’d be a laugh!
Warden: Let’s just… go. I hate you all. Except Leliana
Leliana: I hate you my darling

The group finally arrive at Flemeths hut. Warden, Alistair, Leliana and Shale leave the caravan, with the real mabari.

janeway

Warden: This is your last chance Janeway
Flemeth: I am known by many names child, but that is not one of them
Warden: Sign the DVD box set or…
Flemeth: Or what? Has brave little Morrigan finally found someone to dance to her tune?
Alistair: Wait, she can play an instrument too? She could join me and Leliana in a band!
Leliana: This one time, at band camp…
Warden: Yes?
Leliana: We played instruments. What did you expect?
Oghren: Instruments, eh? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink?
Flemeth: So Warden, what will it be? Will you dance to her tune or mine? Or make your own?
Warden draws his sword
Warden: Let’s dance!
Flemeth turns into a dragon
Alistair: A dragon! You made a dragon!
Warden: I didn’t mean to!
Alistair; Undo it! Undo it!
Leliana: I was wondering when more dragons would show up, it took ages!
Shale: At least there’s no statues around here
Warden: A little help maybe?
Shale half-heartedly picks up some dirt and throws it at the dragon
Warden: Thanks, big help
Alistair: I guess he wanted to…
Warden: If you put those glasses on and say fight dirty I will stab you
Alistair: Well if you’re going to be like that you can kill the dragon by yourself
Warden: Fine! I will!
Flemeth bites the Wardens upper torso off
Alistair: Guess that’s a reload then

GAME OVER WARDEN!
Load last save or restart?

Flemeth: So Warden, what will it be? Will you dance to her tune or mine? Or make your own?
Warden decapitates Flemeth as she transforms into a dragon.
Warden: Ding dong, the witch is bloody dead
The party loot the dragon, then loot the hut and then leave

GAME OVER FLEMETH!
Load last save or respawn from amulet in sequel?

The caravan arrives at the ruins of the ruins of Ostagar
Warden: Well this place is even more of a mess than last time
Alistair: I see dead people
Warden: Some of them are buried in snow
Alistair: Icy dead people
Wynne: Why are we here exactly? I have nothing but bad memories of this place
Warden: Well I hardly got to see any of it at all with that stupid rushed introduction. Now’s my chance to explore, loot and maybe get that cool looking gold armour the King was wearing
Alistair: Why didn’t he have a crown do you think?
Warden: That’s a surprisingly good question coming from you
Shale: It is aware that we’re surrounded by Darkspawn, yes?
Alistair: That’s weird, why would they still be here? The Horde already moved north through Lothering, why leave such a strong force behind here of all places?
Warden: Stop talking sense Alistair, it’s creeping me out
Doggigan: I gave him an intellect buff
Warden: An intellect buff? This isn’t World Of Wardencraft you know! Besides, your only buffs are supposed to consist of pissing on things
Doggigan grins. As much as a dog can grin
Warden: Wait… you…
Doggigan: He was standing still, just gawking at things, and Shale was watching me so I had to stay away from the statues…
Warden: Great, so now instead of pissing off Alistair you’re pissing on him?
The Darkspawn charge our heroes, only to be mowed down effortlessly
Warden: Oh sorry, I set the difficulty to easy for Flemeth. It’s back up now
Leliana: Oh so that’s how…
Several more waves of somewhat more difficult combat later…
Warden: Look, it’s Cailan!
Alistair: Why’s he naked?
Warden turns around and finds Bodhan trying to sneak off with Cailan’s armour
Bodhan: Um… would you like to buy this nice shiny gold armour? New in stock, hardly used! Very cheap with your special discount
Warden: Fine, I suppose it saves us the effort of looting everything ourselves
Bodhan: I knew you’d see reason! Very wise, very wise indeed. Just think of me as your little auto-loot button who takes a percentage of the profits. I’ll be sure to stay out of your way, don’t you worry. I wonder if I can sell these Darkspawn teeth? Maybe make a necklace…
Some more combat later
Warden: That necromancer just revived the ogre who killed Cailan!
Some more combat later
Warden: What? That’s it? It’s over?
Alistair: Not quite, I found a chest!
Leliana: Hands off my breasts! Pervert!
Alistair: Sorry, wrong chest. Look at this booty!
Leliana slaps him
Alistair: I meant the loot! Look, King Maric’s sword!
Warden: It’s pretty nice I guess
Wynne: And there’s letters in here too. From… oh my, from the Empress of Orlais to King Cailan!
Warden: What do they say?
Wynne: I don’t know, I lost my reading glasses
Warden: Well they won’t appear in my journal, the notes section hasn’t updated since Act 1
Wynne: I don’t seem able to pass them to anybody else either
Warden: Hell with it, can’t have been important anyway. Let’s head off.
Alistair: Shouldn’t we do something about Cailan?
Warden: We could dress him up in a silly outfit, but if we had one of those then you’d be wearing it
Alistair: You can’t change my armour, DA2 style remember
Warden: Well then we can’t change his either

king

Alistair: You can’t just leave him there! He was our king!
Warden: I didn’t vote for him
Alistair: But…
Warden: And why do you care? He sent you away from Duncan
Alistair: You’re right, that bastard! We should chop him up or set him on fire…
Warden: Morrigan?
Doggigan: I’m not going to do it if it’s going to make Alice happy
Warden: Then we just leave him there
Alistair: So, Orzammar now?
Warden: Soldiers Peak.
Alistair: You’re doing this on purpose aren’t you? Now that I want to go to Orzammar…
Warden: We could always do Darkspawn Chronicles if you’d prefer, I’m sure you’d love the ending
Alistair: Soldiers Peak you say? What a great idea!

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