Dragon Strange: Part 18

Posted: May 3, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 18

Levi: Here we are, Soldiers Peak.
Alistair: How did you find it?
Warden: Well after talking to Levi and installing the DLC a new pin appeared on the map…
Levi: It came to me in a dream
Alistair: Was it riding a unicorn?
Levi looks confused and Warden glares at Alistair
Leliana: It’s an incredible sight, so romantic!
Alistair: I know! Have you seen one then?
Leliana: I meant the tower!
Skeleton: …
Skeleton shrugs and gestures furiously with it’s hands
Leliana: He says “I wish I had vocal chords. Oh well. ATTACK!”
Skeleton nods, makes a thankful gesture and then draws a sword. Other skeletons jump up and attack
Levi: Blimey!
Alistair: Someone’s been raising the dead… I have a… (sunglasses) bone to pick with them
Wynne: Those aren’t sunglasses! Those are my reading glasses painted black!
Doggigan: Two mysteries solved
Warden: Spooky abandoned tower, thick fog and hordes of undead. You call this romantic?
Leliana: Of course! Can’t you just imagine brooding vampires being sulkily sexy here?
Warden: I will never understand you
Leliana: Of course not, you’re a man
Doggigan: I’ll never understand you either
Leliana: Well you’re just a bitch
Levi: Can we go inside please? I’m eager for answers to my family’s mysterious past
Warden, Leliana, Alistair, Doggigan, Shale and Levi go inside, leaving the others with the caravan. Inside they find the ghost of Sophia Dryden giving a speech to ghostly Wardens
Sophia: You all know the mission and what is at stake. I have come to trust each of you with my life, but I have also heard murmurs of discontent. I share your concerns. We are trained for fighting Darkspawn, we would be legends but the Deep Roads are sealed. Glory in battle is not our way. Think of our heroes, the Silent Sister who became a Warden, or the Ever Alert who discovered how to caffeinate the tainted blood for the Joining. These giants do not seem to give us solace here but they are not all that we are! Before the Blight there was the Taint! Before diplomacy there were soldiers! Before rushed sequels there were great original games! Our influence stopped the Blight, but before that we held the line! Our influence stopped that creepy caretaker who moved out yesterday but before that we held the line! Our influence will stop Arland, in the battle today WE WILL HOLD THE LINE!


Alistair: Hold the line, or steal somebody elses line?
Doggigan: I am impressed, and without the glasses too!
Levi: That was my great grandmother! Did you hear that inspiring speech? But… ghosts and skeletons? What’s going on here?
Doggigan: The veil is torn, demons are coming through and these skeleton bones are really rather tasty… I’ve been in this form far too long. Can we kill Alice so I can turn human?
Demon: Attack!
Several waves later
Alistair: I bet there’s another wave coming
Warden: No, that seems to be the last of them for now
Alistair waves. Warden sighs
Warden: Hang on, there’s other Wardens here now. Ghostly Wardens sure, but what if one of them talks?
Alistair: I’m a Warden too
Warden: Which brings me to my next point, he gets credited by name. I want to be called by my name damn it!
Alistair: Don’t be silly, your name isn’t Damn It
Schmoooples: I know, it’s… wait a damn minute! I meant my real name! Qwerty Cousland!
Leliana: I like that one better
Qwerty: Finally. Ok, now let’s move on.
Alistair: Oooh a book. I wonder if it has any pictures
Ghosts appear
Sophia: Demons! Summon us more demons Avernus!
Avernus: I’m trying, I want the scantily clad desire demons though so that I can ogle them while the rest of you fight but all I keep getting is these damn shades!
Alistair: See, sunglasses do exist in Dragon Age!
Qwerty: Shades are a type of demon you idiot
Avernus cuts his wrists and summons more demons


The vision fades
Levi: Bloody blood magic! Demons! I can’t believe it! That my grandmother would do such a thing…
Qwerty: The Wardens don’t have rules against such things
Levi: Still, I thought my family was better than that
Doggigan: Oh yes? You think you’re better than me do you? You think you’re better than all the mages who’ve spent more than two seconds outside of a Circle? You think your family, your pathetic wretched family is better?
Levi: Yeah, kinda. You’re only a dog
Qwerty: Never mind all that, look what I found
Alistair: It’s a jar of jam


Qwerty: My psychic powers tell me that an elven princess loved this jam and thus that there’s a hidden compartment behind this painting
Alistair: That’s just… what? Have you been drinking?
Leliana: He’s right though, look! Oh, never mind, it’s just a sword. No shoes.
Alistair: Shoe-dn’t you stop obsessing about shoes?
Leliana waves him away.
Leliana: Shoo!
Shale: Can we please squish something? I’m getting bored.
They enter another room and find a half decomposed Sophia Dryden.
Sophia: This one welcomes you. This one is the Dryden.
Qwerty: So now you’re stealing lines from hannar instead of salarians?
Alistair: Who’s Hannah?
Sophia: This one resents those accusations. This one would however like to offer a deal.
Qwerty: Let me guess, you’re a demon and you want me to help you do evil demony things?
Sophia: This one asks only that you go into the tower and destroy everything in there and by that this one means that annoying pervy mage who locked me in the tower until this one agrees to show this ones breasts to him
Qwerty: Thank you, that’s probably the most disturbing mental image I’ll ever get
Alistair: Just wait till you see the broodmothers…
Qwerty: What was that?
Alistair: Oh nothing
Sohpia: Will you take this ones deal?
Qwerty: First answer Levi’s questions
Sophia: Very well
Levi: What’s the meaning of life, the universe and everything?
Sophia: 42
Levi: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Sophia: 42
Levi: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there to see it, what colour is it?
Sophia: All colours
Qwerty: Aren’t you supposed to be asking about your family?
Levi: Herman was a distant relative. Ok, um… was my grandmother good?
Sophia: She was good at consorting with demons to fulfil her ambitions of power by trying to steal the throne
Levi: Oh. I was kind of hoping there was something I could be proud of
Sophia: According to Avernus she has “amazing tits”
Shale: Tits are a kind of bird yes? Where are they? We must squish them!
Sophia: There will be no squishing of this ones breasts! You are as bad as Avernus!
Qwerty: Any more questions?
Levi: Do they have to be sensible ones?
Qwerty: Yes
Levi: Then no
Qwerty: Then we’re done here. That’s an awfully nice suit of armour you’re wearing…


Sophia: Why does everyone try to get this one naked?
A fair bit of combat and embarrassingly awkward undressing of corpses later, they enter the tower with Qwerty wearing a new suit of armour
Alistair: I wonder why nobody ever gave me a Warden uniform
Doggigan: And why were none of the Wardens at Ostagar wearing uniforms?
Qwerty: Look at these research notes…. “Day one: left circle tower to join wardens. wrote about it in diary and got a paper cut and turned into a blood mage. this seems like an exciting career opportunity as I heard blood mages can summon demons who dont wear a stitch of clothing on their top halves”
Alistair: Are there pictures?
Leliana: Pervert!
Alistair: What? No! It’s just that I only read books with pictures
Qwerty: “Day two, summoned a demon but it was male. very disappointed. it did teach me how to use more powerful magic though so not a total loss.” I’ll skip ahead a bit. “Day five hundred, fifty-seven. tortured and mutilated another subject for fun and experimenting. turns out tainted blood has more powers than imagined. also tastes yummy”
Alistair: He’s been experimenting on Wardens!
Qwerty: There’s a potion here too, it says “drink me”. Hmm, he’s right it does taste kind of yummy…
Qwerty starts shaking and almost falls over
Leliana: Are you alright?
Qwerty: I got new skills! Watch this!


Qwerty suddenly shoots blood from every pore in all directions. The entire party, the entire room in fact, is soaked in blood. Qwerty stands unharmed with a huge grin
Leliana: That’s disgusting!
Alistair: That’d be a great party trick
Shale: Almost as bad as pigeons…

The party enter the final room, where they find Avernus furiously making notes in a book.
Avernus: Oh, visitors. Oh good, one of you has breasts. Why are you drenched in blood?
Qwerty: Time to answer for your crimes!
Avernus: Wait! Honestly, have some patience. Besides you need me to fix the tear in the veil.
Alistair: You can do that?
Avernus: Of course
Qwerty: Then why haven’t you already?
Avernus: Oh. Good question. Um… oh I know! It’s because I was using all my power to keep my dear Sophia locked up
Qwerty: Your defence is that you wanted to molest a demon?
Avernus: Well when you put it like that it just sounds creepy. But yes. Oooh yes indeed
Avernus rubs his hands together and grins creepily
Avernus: Oh well, I guess I am just creepy
Qwerty: Well she’s dead now
Avernus: Oh, how disappointing. Although I suppose now she might be less resistant…
Leliana: And now even more creepy
Qwerty: Just fix the damned tear so we can get this over with and stop giving me reasons to kill you
Avernus: Oh alright. Let me just grab a few supplies…
The party make their way back to the summoning chamber where a few more demons pop up, get killed and get looted.
Avernus: Ok you need to protect me while I mend the tear. If I die, I’m coming back to haunt you. And spy on your girlfriend when she’s getting undressed. Actually dying sounds more appealing now I think about it like that…
Avernus pulls out some knitting needles and some lyrium infused wool and gets to work. Demons spawn.


Demons are killed. demons are looted
Avernus: All done! Also, I knitted you a scarf
Qwerty: Thanks. Now change your ways and only do good research, ok?
Avernus: I will
Qwerty: Well we’re done here I think
Levi: I just wish we’d found something to redeem my family name
Qwerty: Instead of looking to the past, look to the future
Levi: You’re right! Thank you Warden. In fact I’ve been thinking of designing some new kind of clothing, I could name it after my genetic inheritance… genes maybe? Levi’s genes…
The party leaves and Avernus returns to his study, grumbling to himself
Avernus: Bah, criticise my research will they? Hide boobies from me? Invade my tower? Drink my potions? No, no, this will not stand. I built this tower, me! I designed it, I drew the blueprints
Avernus pulls out a strange golden mask and puts it on


Avernus: I am the Architect! I will have my revenge! Bwaahaaaahaaaahaaahaaaa!

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