Dragon Strange: Part 19

Posted: May 6, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 19

Qwerty and party arrive at the gates of Orzammar
Bodhan: We’ll just… keep the caravan a safe distance away from the gates… just in case of Sandal’s paren… I mean… wild bears
Qwerty: You get a lot of wild bears camping at the gates?
Alistair: I’d always heard the gate guards were unbearable
Bodhan: You can never be too careful
Sandal: The old lady is scary!
Wynne: What? What did I do?
Sandal: Boom!
Wynne: I only exploded that man because he was a bandit and didn’t use any manners when he tried to rob us
Bodhan: Yes, well if you wouldn’t mind perhaps leaving the corpses in a more… lootable state, we would appreciate it
Qwerty: Alice, Leliana, Doggigan and Shale, with me
Sten: No
Qwerty: What now?
Sten: I always get left behind. I want to come
Qwerty: Sorry but the party’s full. Shale provides the intimidation, Leliana provides the sexy, Doggigan and Alistair provide the funny insults that only convince the rest of us that they’ll be shagging like mad any time now and I provide, well, me
Alistair: We’ll bring you back a gift
Sten: Thank you
Wynne: And what about me?
Zevran: And me.
Qwerty: I need you to guard the caravan, I don’t trust Bodhan not to steal it
Sandal: Enchantment!


Sten: The dwarf has enchanted my cookies! Hmm, now they are mint flavoured
Sandal: Enchant-mint!
Zevran: Abandoned again. I thought it was only the sequel where my role was a cameo

Imrek: I demand you let us in by the order of King Teyrn Loghain or he’ll come here, betray your king and steal his throne too!
Dorf: I’m sorry but you can’t go in and our king is already dead and the throne is empty. Well, actually that’s not true, there’s a dragon hiding inside of it, but there’s nobody sitting in it is what I mean


Imrek: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! The assembly would take action if the darkspawn attacked a Dwarven colony!
Dorf: We live next to the sodding Deep Roads you pillock, they’re always attacking us
Imrek: But there is a blight and Loghain demands aid! Even though he’s denying that there is a blight!
Nameless Loghain Loyalist Soldier: I believe the Teyrn’s exact words were “Ah yes, Blights. We have dismissed those claims”
Qwerty: Can we come in?
Imrek: Don’t push in, get to the back of the queue
Qwerty: We’re Grey Wardens and…
Imrek: Grey Wardens?
Wynne: I KNEW IT!
Imrek: You betra… wait, what?
Qwerty: What’s this about Wynne, you’re supposed to be at the caravan and you can’t really be shocked at us being Grey Wardens when you knew it all along. Wait, is your age effecting your memory?
Wynne: You complained about the hat. You said I was using the wrong spelling. But something has been bothering me since then… BioWare are Canadian! They use the same spelling as the English! You were just making excuses not to wear that lovely hat I knitted for you! Look, I even put an “R” in now so it doesn’t say “gay”
Qwerty: It’s still too big, vomit coloured and the R barely shows up because of the colour and is in the wrong place anyway and my name is not Gary. Besides, your argument doesn’t even make sense since I was the one with the right spelling!
Wynne: Yes well I am a woman and thus never wrong
Imrek: Look can we hurry this along? I’ve got a busy schedule of yelling at these lawn ornaments
Dorf: You humans are all racist!
Doggigan: Seriously, what’s with all the quotes? I was actually in the bloody game and you don’t hear me quoting it
Dorf: We saw the script for Dragon Age 2 and so we’re subtlety auditioning for a transfer to Mass Effect
Alistair: I geth that makes sense
Qwerty: Can we just go in now?
Imrek: You are Grey Wardens! You betrayed King Cailan (well, we’re blaming you anyway) and did other evil stuff. I am suicidally insane and thus challenge you to a fight!
One short, one sided battle later
Dorf: What? You still can’t come in until you show me your Grey Warden identity cards, and then we need to search your caravan for a Dwarven kleptomaniac kidnapper and his hostage named after footwear
Alistair: You don’t need to see our identification. Those aren’t the dwarves you’re looking for
Dorf: Your jedi mind tricks won’t work on me!
Shale: Shall I tear it’s head and assorted limbs off?
Dorf: But that kind of trick will. Go inside friend

The party enter Orzammar.
Alistair: Hey, it looks just like Lothering except the river is lava now!
Dagna: Oh my gosh, are you guys from the surface? Have you heard of the Circle of Magi?
Qwerty: Oghren you are fooling nobody by tying pink bows into your beard and talking in a high pitched voice


Dagna: Art department didn’t make any female Dwarves, so I’m standing in
Qwerty: In that case I’ll be back in a minute, I need to disable my “romance Dagna” mod

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