Dragon Strange: Part 20

Posted: May 11, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 20

Qwerty: Ok, I’m back and the mod is disabled. Damn them for not having female Dwarves

paintshopping

Leliana: I was so looking forward to a threesome
Alistair: Wouldn’t it be more like a two-and-a-halfsome?
Dagna: Look can you just carry a message to the Circle for me please?
Doggigan: Why would you want to study at the Circle? I could get you a far more interesting position studying for my mother. Then perhaps she’d try to possess you instead of me
Qwerty: We killed your mother, remember?
Doggigan: She’ll be back
Qwerty: Then what was the bloody point?
Doggigan: I… um… oh. That was kind of a bad plan wasn’t it? Now she’s probably going to be angry
Dulin: Warden! I’m glad I found you first. If you wish Orzammar’s aid against the Blight you must first help the good Lord Harrowmont take the throne.
Shale: That should be easy, I could easily carry the throne. Where would it like it taken to?
Dulin: Wow a golem! I’ve only ever seen one of those before
Shale: It has seen other golems? Were they as intelligent and pretty as I?
Dulin: No, not really. It was as dumb as rocks, probably because it was rocks…
Shale: Was? What happened to it?
Dulin: Stupid thing was badly made. Tough as nails unless you knew its weakness was it’s eyes. But the damn thing was full of explosive powder. They used to make Casteless fight it just for a laugh. Then the Incident happened
Qwerty: Incident?
Dulin: Like I said, full of explosives and a weak spot, bad combination. Go for the eyes… BOOM
Qwerty: That was an awful lot of effort just to set that up
Dulin: Yeah well, back to business now. Good Kind Lord Harrowmont and Evil Murderous Prince Bhelen are vying for the throne. Lord Harrowmont wants you to prove your loyalty by entering the Provings in his name. If you win then he’ll consider you an ally since Bhelen would never work with somebody who embarrassed him so, even though he actually would and there is an optional quest to betray Harrowmont and side with Bhelen and even if you ignore that quest you can still give the crown to Bhelen after… you know now that I think about it, Harrowmont is kind of too trusting… oh well
Qwerty: Ok, we’ll enter this Proving then. We’re certain to win after all

Proving Master: This is a glory proving for honour and all that stuff! Representing Lord Harrowmont… THE GREY WARDEN!
Crowd: YAY!
Proving Master: And in the other corner… DEADEYE DUNCAN!
A short battle later…

Dulin: I cannot… that was… by the Stone! There are no words!
Qwerty: If you’d just…
Dulin: Of all the…
Qwerty: It wasn’t my…
Dulin: You LOST! To Deadeye Duncan! He’s never won a Proving before! Last week he lost to a blind nug! And it was just a cardboard cutout of a blind nug!
Qwerty: It wasn’t my fault! I just used that cool move I learnt from Soldiers Peak and…
Dulin: But it was a first blood match!
Qwerty: Well I didn’t know that!
Dulin: You should have listened to the sodding rules instead of skipping the dialogue then!
Qwerty: Well if they hadn’t cut out the conversation log…
Dulin: It doesn’t matter! Harrowmont will not stand for this kind of humiliation! We are done
Qwerty: Oh well. Guess we’re working for Bhelen then
Doggigan: Typical, you finally get a choice in something and you manage to screw it up
Alistair: It’s ok, Harrowmont’s lackey’s would have accused you of siding with Bhelen anyway despite all evidence to the contrary and then if you helped Harrowmont get the crown he’d decide that because you’re not a Dwarf you should be killed and then Dulin would say “Lord Harrowmont, I thought we were just going to arrest the Champion (of Redcliffe)” and there’d be a big brawl and random people from far away who you’d helped earlier would show up to help without any explanation as to why or how they knew you needed help and…
Qwerty: Right. Same damn thing will probably happen with Bhelen too. Oh well. Let’s get this over with

A brief runaround later…
Vartag: So you want to work for Bhelen? Well you’re off to a good start, humiliating Harrowmont like that. I mean, losing to Deadeye Duncan? Even my great, great, great, great, great great grandfather managed to beat him and he was dead before the match began. In fact he died before some of the jokes used in this parody did and that’s saying something
Qwerty: It was all part of a brilliant scheme to embarrass Harrowmont and aid Bhelen
Vartag: I’m stupid so I’ll believe you
Qwerty: Glad to hear it
Vartag: But Bhelen wants more before he can trust you.
Qwerty: Let me guess, you want me to convince Harrowmonts friends to side with Bhelen instead by showing them forged documents?
Vartag: Good guess, but no. See, Bhelen’s been banging this cute Casteless chick. But then the art department decided they didn’t have time to make female Dwarves and now she looks like Oghren. Bhelen is less than thrilled. So he wants you to go to a secret portion of the dEAp roads and rescue the Dwarven women from the vault of cut content awaiting DLC treatment
Qwerty: Suddenly I’m glad I sided with you guys instead
Vartag: Glad to hear it. Once Rica’s safe and sexy again, Bhelen will help you. And by help you I mean give you more jobs to do while he puts off helping you

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