Dragon Strange: Part 21

Posted: May 15, 2014 in Dragon Strange
Tags: , ,

da2style

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Part 21

Somewhere deep in the Deep Roads…
Leliana: Trap ahead!
Qwerty: Could you please start telling me about them before I step in them… pass me the injury kit
Alistair: Maybe we should’ve tried to find a map
Leliana: We could always ask for directions
Qwerty: Yes, we’ll ask the next Hurlock we find shall we?
Alistair: Why not a Genlock?
Qwerty: Have you seen any Genlocks?
Alistair: There’s one over there
Genlock: Stop staring at me!
Alistare: Sorry
Qwerty: A Genlock? In DA2 style? We must be close to the Cut Content Vault!
Genlock: Sorry you can’t get past me, not without a Genkey
Leliana: Allow me to try my lockpicking skills
Leliana stabs the Genlock several dozen times.
Alistair: Aren’t they an endangered species?
Qwerty: If they weren’t already, they soon will be

The party charge into the vault and slaughter the Genlock guards. After much killing they begin looting
Alistair: Look what I found! Descriptions for all the items! Turns out this “ring” I found on the way here is actually an ancient Dalish relic which was once worn by a Dalish Elf who joined the Wardens and died in the Deep Roads
Leliana: What’s a “Wallop Mallet Mini-Game”?
Shale: There’s pieces of me here… bits that were cut off so that I would fit through doorways
Doggigan: There’s a talking stick here!
Log: I’m a conversation log!

origins

Qwerty: I found some Origins… common dwarf, noble dwarf, city elf, dalish elf, human commoner, human chasind, giant miniature space hamster…
Alistair: I found the ending of Knights of the Old Republic 2, should that be in here?
Leliana: Is Jade Empire 2 in here?
Alistair: No such luck it seems, oh hang on there’s a chest made of Obsidian, maybe it’s in here? There’s a Neeshka romance…
Qwerty: Gimme that! Now I know what game to play after all this is over!
Alistair: Neverwinter is coming!
Leliana: If only we could bring her into Dragon Age
Qwerty: This one I’m bloody keeping! Consequences for decisions!
Leliana: Come on, the cells are over here. We’d better let the dwarves out
Alistair (yelling): WHO LET THE DORFS OUT?
Alistair: sorry
Conrad: Help! Let me out! I’m not even a dwarf or a female!
Qwerty: Then why are you here?
Conrad: I don’t know! After my hero convinced me to go home to my wife I expected to get a call from my agent for the sequel but instead I woke up in here and some Renegade took my place!
Jarvia: If you don’t let me out right now I’m going to…
Leliana: It says here in the dwarf Origin that Jarvia’s an evil murdery criminal type
Rica: She is! She runs the Carta!
Alistair: Doesn’t matter, you have to let her go as the option to kill her isn’t available yet
Qwerty: I picked up the consequences remember. Screw that
Murder Knife friendship +10
Rica: Can we go now? Some of us have evil boyfriends to get back to
Dagna: And I need to find someone to take a message for me… hey you look like you’re from the surface…
Leliana: She’s so adorable!
Qwerty: Hang on, re-enabling that addon
One quick relog later
Qwerty: So Dagna…
Dagna: You were too late, it had to be enabled when we first met
Qwerty: You mean when you looked like Oghren? Oh hell
Leliana: I’m sure there’ll be other cute dwarven girls. I mean, there’s bound to be a dwarf romance option eventually right?
Alistair: Riiiight

The party return to Orzammar where they’re greeted by the cheers of every heterosexual male dwarf in the city except one
Oghren: Damn you Warden, you put me out of a job!
Bhelen: Well done Warden, well done indeed. Now I have another job for you. The Carta have been causing problems and…
Qwerty empties a sack onto the desk, Jarvia’s head rolls out
Bhelen: Oh, well done. In that case all you need to do now is go into the Deep Roads, find Paragon Branka, convince her to vote for me and come back with the good news
Alistair: We found a Paragon continuity error if that counts

grail

Qwerty: Is that all? Maybe you’d like us to fetch you a pizza too?
Bhelen: Well if you’re offering…
Alistair: Ooh can I get one too? Extra cheese!
Oghren: Hang on one sodding moment! If you’re going after Branka there’s no way I’m staying behind!
Qwerty: You’re dead
Oghren: Yeah well… didn’t you find anything in the vault that could undo that?
Qwerty: I suppose you could have one of these origins…
Bhelen: Not the noble dwarf one! Really, it was enough of a nightmare for Rica to turn into him while we were… you know… without him being my brother too!
Oghren: Well I don’t want to be common either, there’s nothing common about Oghren!
Leliana: What about this one? You could be the first Dwarven mage!
Oghren: And have to wear a dress? No, no way! Sod it I’ll just pick one of the others at random…

shianni

Shianni: Wake up! Don’t you remember what day it is?
Oghren: Urgh… oh, hey baby! You’re looking pretty damn hot, why not take off a few clothes and cool down?
Shianni: I’m your cousin you perv! And you’re getting MARRIED!
Oghren: Wait, what? Married? No! Wait, is she hot?
Shianni: Soris said she was gorgeous. He was hoping to get you to agree to a swap
Oghren: Well… I suppose this isn’t so bad then. Wait, cousin? You’re an elf!
Shianni: Maybe you were adopted or something… I try not to think about it too much. Honestly, I try not to think about you too much…

elfdorf

Cyrion: Ah my son, I’m so proud of you…
Oghren: Yeah yeah, bring out the hottie, Oghren’s gonna start the honeymoon early!
Cyrion: Slightly less proud now. Please just… don’t talk until she’s actually said the vows.
Oghren: Will there be any beer?
Cyrion: If Shianni hasn’t already drank it all
Oghren: My kind of woman! Are you sure she’s my cousin? Can’t I just…
Cyrion: Please don’t finish that sentence.
Oghren goes outside where he runs into Soris, Valora and Felsi
Oghren: Well hello ladies… wait are you female as well Soris? I can never tell with Elves…

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