Dragon Strange: Part 22

Posted: May 21, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 22

Mother Boann: We are gathered here today to celebrate the unions of…
Oghren burps
Oghren: Sorry
Vaughan: We’re here to take your womenfolk!
Felsi: Oh no!
Boann: Andraste preserve us!
Oghren: Nobody steals Oghren’s women!
Oghren runs at Vaughan but is attacked by several armed bodyguards. Oghren, unarmed and unarmoured, successfully fights a dozen armed and armoured men, then takes an axe from one of them and throws it at Vaughan where it hits him right between the eyes
Felsi: Oh Oghren you’re my hero! Marry me!
Boann: And me!
Valora: Me too!
Shianni: And me!
Soris: Me too! If I am a girl!


Leliana: Bullshit! That’s not what really happened!
Oghren: Yeah ok, so maybe I only killed half a dozen and only slept with ten elf girls but…
Leliana: Why lie now? About this? What have you to gain?
Oghren: Other than the adoration of every woman in earshot?
Leliana: There’s only me and Doggigan here! Unless Shale is a girl…
Shale: Can golem’s be sick? I believe I may soon find out
Qwerty: Storytime’s over, according to this map we should be at Carridan’s Cross
Oghren: Yep, this is it. And Branka’s been here too
Alistair: How can you tell? Did she leave markings in the walls or something?
Qwerty: You’re not in the party Alice, remember? We had to leave you behind to bring Oghren
Alistair: Yes well if he can pop up at random all the time then so can I
Oghren: It wasn’t at random! It was just whenever anyone said anything pervy!


Alistair: You walked in on me when I was polishing my sword!
Qwerty: I really hope that isn’t a euphemism
Oghren: I thought you were giving it to the swamp witch!
Alistair: Why would I give her my sword? She’d probably stab me with it
Oghren: You’re twice my sodding height and it goes over *your* head?
Qwerty: So anyway… which way would Branka have gone?
Oghren: Doesn’t matter, all roads will lead to the same place, just one route might have an item for a sidequest along the way
Qwerty: Then how can anyone get lost down here?
Oghren: We’re usually drunk. I can get lost in my tent when I’m drunk
Doggigan: Alistair can even manage that sober

The party fight through a few waves of Darkspawn and are ambushed by a group of deep stalkers
Qwerty: Why is it that these tiny creatures are tougher than the ogres we fought earlier?
Alistair: Level scaling
Oghren: If you’re going to imitate my rules you have to wait for something pervy
Alistair: Oghren if you’re in the party it’s safe to assume that something perverse is being said or at least thought all the time
Oghren: True enough. Hey did I mention that Branka used to like playing this game where we…
Alistair: Oh look at that, I’m not in the party am I? I’d better go. Bye!
Ruck: My stash! My cave! Go away!
Qwerty: We’re not going to hurt you
Ruck: Really? Ruck be nice then
Oghren: This must have been Branka’s camp
Ruck: They takes things of paper and metal! They takes the shinies and the words! They takes them to their web!
Qwerty: The World Wide Web? They uploaded them onto the internet? Great, that’ll make it easy to find, let’s just hit google…
Ruck: No no no! Spider web!
Qwerty: Well damn. I hope nobody’s arachnophobic
Leliana: Not me
Doggigan: Alistair is, I scared the crap out of him with my spider form
Qwerty: Alistair’s scared of you in any form though
Shale: Spiders… not as bad as pigeons but having webs spun over ones face is hardly pleasant
Leliana: Ok maybe a little creeped out now
Ruck: No worry. These spiders too big to web face. These spiders big as golem
Leliana: Ok maybe more than a little
Qwerty: Right then, let’s find those papers and figure out where Branka went


Ruck: Bye bye! Ruck go back to his cave to be mad alone again. Ruck listen to big evil voice again
Qwerty: Have fun

The party take a few steps away from the cave and are suddenly caught in webs appearing from nowhere as giant spiders mob them. Luckily after a few seconds the webs vanish just as mysteriously as they appeared. Qwerty, Leliana and Oghren start hacking at the spiders while Shale just punches and jumps on them. Doggigan starts breathing fire on them
Qwerty: You can still cast spells in that form?
Doggigan: Only if the plot or impending bad joke demand it
Leliana: Spider, spider burning bright. In the forests of the night. Wait a minute, that’s not right…
Qwerty: I see

Several battles with spiders, darkspawn, golems, ghosts and…
Leliana: Ghosts and golems? What are they doing here?
Qwerty: Ghosts and Golems? Sounds like some kind of RPG
…and a spider queen later they find Branka’s diary
Qwerty: “Dear Diary, went to Deep Roads looking for Anvil of the Void. Left that stupid elf-blooded-dwarf Oghren behind…”
Oghren: I told you I wasn’t making it all up!
Qwerty: “since my girlfriend looks like him and is better in bed…”
Oghren: Wait, what? Eh?
Qwerty: “Going to Dead Trenches now but leaving you behind Diary for no good reason except for the players party to know where to find me”
Oghren: The Dead Trenches? Damn it, why couldn’t Branka lead me somewhere nice like the Live Trenches Incidentally Filled With Naked Women?
Leliana: Can we go there next?
Alistair: Oh don’t worry, I hear there’s at least a few bare breasts in the Dead Trenches…
Qwerty: Guess we follow the clue to the Dead Trenches then!
Leliana: Indeed!
Oghren: How do you do that?
Leliana: Do what?
Oghren: Obsess about tits but manage not to spend all damn day staring at your own?
Leliana: Whenever I want to see a tit I can just look at you

The party enter the Dead Trenches


The Arch Demon swoops down…
Alistair: Swooping is…
Qwerty pushes Alistair off the bridge
Doggigan: Unfortunately he’ll probably survive since he wasn’t actually here
Qwerty: There’ll be more bridges later
Doggigan friendship +10
…and lands on a bridge looking down at a few billion Darkspawn
Qwerty: Oh crap
Shale: Dragon… and all those poor statues…
Doggigan: That is no dragon, that’s the Arch Demon. We must be careful not to attract it’s attention
Qwerty: But my mission is to kill it! It’s right there!
Leliana: It’s guarded by billions of Darkspawn!
Qwerty: Most of them are too far away to stop us.
Doggigan: Do you know how to kill an Arch Demon?
Qwerty: I was going to try stabbing it, that usually works on most enemies
Doggigan: It won’t be enough on this one, trust me. Look, it’s flying away now anyway
Kardol: Legion! Guard this bridge!
Qwerty: Who are you?
Kardol: Legion of the Dead. My name’s Kardol and we’re guarding this bridge
Qwerty: From Darkspawn?
Kardol: No, from theft. When it comes to crime prevention it’s safest to think big
Qwerty: So you won’t be helping us then?
Kardol: Not a bit
Qwerty: Right then. Off we go then
Several thousand Darkspawn kills later…
Hespith: One two, Darkspawn coming for you
Qwerty: The hell was that?
Hespith: Three four, better kill some more
More Darkspawn attack and indeed are killed
Hespith: Five six, fall for their tricks
Qwerty: Is anyone else hearing that?
Leliana: It’s kind of catchy
Hespith: Seven eight, they’ll give you the taint
Leliana: It’s not particularly cheery but it has a good rhythm…
Hespith: Nine ten, you’ll be a Broodmother then…
They round a corner and meet Hespith


Hespith: ‘ello

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