Dragon Strange: Part 23

Posted: May 25, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 23

Qwerty: Wow, you look…
Oghren: Hot!
Qwerty: I was going to say “ill”
Oghren: She has tits, she’s hot
Leliana and Doggigan roll their eyes
Hespith: One two, buckle my… wait. no. One two, Darkspawn coming for…
Qwerty: Yes, yes. We heard that the first time. Very nice. Now what the sod are you talking about?
Hespith: I was her captain, her lover and I could not turn her…
Oghren: Hey, she wasn’t *that* fat… wait, what?
Qwerty: Lover huh? Guess that explains why she left you
Doggigan: Oh yes, because that was such a mystery, only a lesbian would leave such a specimen of manhood…
Oghren: Have you been peeking on me in the bath… wait, I haven’t had any baths. Not that I’d mind either, so long as you did it in human form. Or dwarf. Or elf. Or quarian, I always wondered…
Doggigan: Enough with those references!
Leliana: Seasons don’t fear the Reapers…
Doggigan: Not funny!
Hespith: Bye bye!
Qwerty: Hey, come back here! Damn it
Several Darkspawn and a couple of ogres run at the party. Several Darkspawn, a couple of ogres, and several dozen waves of more Darkspawn are soon lying dead
Oghren: Well would you look at that… a Legion of the Dead burial chamber
Qwerty: Looting time!
Ghostly dwarves attack
Oghren: It’s undead Legion of the Dead!
Qwerty: They’re undead dead?
Ghost: Um… yes? Wait…
The ghosts vanish in a fit of confused existence failure

Qwerty: Well that was odd to say the least. I wonder what’s around this corner…
Leliana: Holy Maker!
Oghren: Look at the tits on that one!
Qwerty: Seriously? I’d really rather not. Please tell me there’s a DLC to give her a shirt!
EAlistair: Oh so now you want costume DLC. Earlier it was all “ooh give me the bare breasts, and take your filthy DLC and shove it”
Leliana: Can we please kill this disgusting thing?
Doggigan: Alistair, Oghren or the Broodmother?
Oghren stares, hypnotised, drooling. Suddenly tentacles shoot up out of the ground and try to grab the party


Leliana: Hey! I’m not wearing a school uniform and this is not that kind of game!
Oghren (muttering): mmmm uniform….
The rest of the party start hacking, biting or punching the tentacles, trying to get closer to the Broodmother
Oghren: Oh I’d like to get closer to her…
Shale picks up Oghren and throws him at the Broodmother
Shale: Wish granted
Oghren lands on her and she screams in panic as he starts trying to grope her. The tentacles retreat from the party and all make a grab for Oghren
Qwerty charges in, thrusting his sword…
Qwerty: Can we please not use the word thrusting in this encounter, it’s going to give me nightmares!
…into her belly and slicing her open. The Broodmother wails in pain, the tentacles drop Oghren and she turns into a small sack of loot
Hespith: One Two, I should thank you. Three four, I’ll see you no more
Hespith jumps off the ledge down a deep drop to her presumed death
Oghren: What does a dwarf have to do to get some loving?
Doggigan: Taking a bath once in a while would be a good start
Oghren: Don’t you swear at me you… you… unless you’d like to join me in the b… ba… b word… whatever form you like, just as long as it’s female
Qwerty: Maybe we should just keep moving. You do still want to find your wife, don’t you?

The party enter another section of the Deep Roads and find a room filled with dead darkspawn and dwarves.


Branka: I needed bodies to waltz into traps and spring them. I needed entertainment to stop me from going mad with boredom. And most of all I needed them to stop looking like Oghren! Honestly, is it any wonder I became sexually confused?
Oghren: Well shave my back and call me an elf, Branka?
Branka: You… which one are you? You all look alike…
Oghren: It’s your favourite lover!
Branka: Hespith? Rica? Dagna? Nerav? Filda? Jarvia? Lady Dace? Zerlinda? Adal? Nadezda?
Oghren: It’s me, Oghren!
Branka: Ah, you. Well I suppose I don’t mind if you wander into Carridan’s traps and get killed. It’s a win win for me either way. Off you go then
Oghren: Well that didn’t go quite as I’d planned
Qwerty: I think she may be several houses short of a brick
Doggigan: She married Oghren! Did anyone honestly expect her to be sane?
Leliana: Trap ahead!
Qwerty: I noticed! Pass me the fire extinguisher. And you can lead
Leliana: Me? Lead? But… I’m supporting cast!
Qwerty: You’re also the only one who can see these traps despite them not being even slightly concealed
Leliana: Maybe you should have rolled rogue!
Qwerty: But then I couldn’t do this!
Qwerty shoots blood out of every pore into every direction. Again
Doggigan rivalry +42
Oghren: If any of that got into my booze and doesn’t improve the taste then you and I are gonna have words

A long, long passage of trap disarming, darkspawn slaughtering and Oghren insulting later…
Oghren: I’m just saying, those elf chicks were all over me, begging me to stay in the Alienage but I said no, ol’ Oghren’s gotta go save the world
Leliana: And how exactly did you wind up back in Orzammar without being branded a surface dwarf?
Oghren: Well you see there were these real hot female twins guarding the gates and when the legendary Oghren showed up they just dragged me into the city and straight to their bedroom for a little horizontal dancing
Qwerty: What the hell is that?
Oghren: Warden if you don’t know that then I dunno how you managed to catch such a red hot piece…
Qwerty: I meant what the hell is *that*
Qwerty points at a huge statue thing with four faces
Oghren: Oh that. That’s a huge statue thing with four faces
Leliana: They don’t look happy to see us
Shale: They look stoned
Leliana: Doggigan! That’s not going to make them happier!
Doggigan: It gives me a buff, stop complaining


Qwerty: I’ve had to deal with some two-faced individuals before but never four-faced
Oghren: Well we’re gonna have to face off with this one
Some ghosts spawn, get killed and anvils glow
Oghren: I think Carridan might have been drunk when he designed this one…
Branka: Hurry up and kill it! I want my anvil!
Oghren: It’s dead already! Quit your whining and give your Oghren a big old hug! And preferably a bl…
Branka: At last, the way is clear! The Anvil is mine! Mine! ALL MINE!
Caridin: STOP! The Anvil must never be used again!
Branka: No, I must have it! I must!
Caridin: The Anvil creates Golems but it cannot create life, it must take it from elsewhere
Qwerty: You mean it drains somebody’s energy or something?
Caridin: It’s simpler than that. We put somebody in a golem suit, sit them on the Anvil, fill their suit with hot lava and smack them with a great big hammer
Qwerty: I bet that hurts like hell
Caridin: Yep. It took feeling the hammers blow myself to make me realise how evil it was and change my wicked ways
Branka: There’s nothing evil about murder, slavery and red hot lava!
Qwerty: You know I think there kind of is
Branka: Help me kill him!
Oghren: Oh go on, what harm would it do?
Qwerty: Are you seriously that stupid?
Oghren: She has tits! I have to obey her!
Leliana: So do I, and I say we stop her!
Oghren: Damn it, now I’m confused!


Shale: You created… all the golems?
Caridin: Shale? Is that you?
Shale: Sebastian Hale actually but yes, I go by Shale
Caridin: You were a cute dwarven lass before I… (mutters)horribly murdered you with red hot lava and a hammer
Shale: A dwarven… lass? Cute?
Caridin: You were my true love
Shale: I… what?
Caridin runs up to Shale and gives her a hug and cops a feel
Oghren: That’s disgust… wait, one of them’s a girl right? Hot!
Shale: Get off me!
Branka: We can kill him and take the Anvil and build an army of golems and rule the world!
Caridin: I say we toss the dwarf into the lava
Shale: Now you’re finally making sense
Oghren: Don’t do it Warden!
Qwerty: Sorry Oggy, but I’m not siding with that mad bitch
Oghren rivalry +50
Shale and Caridin pick Branka up and throw her into the lava
Shale and Caridin pick Oghren up and…
Oghren: Stop them! I’ll take back the rivalry points I swear! I don’t want to die sober!
Qwerty: Oh alright, put him down
Oghren friendship +50
Shale: Awww, spoilsport.
Caridin: As you wish. Now I shall grant you a boon as a reward
Qwerty: Vote Bhelen?
Caridin: Ok. I’ll even make a crown
Qwerty: Can I have one too?
Caridin: No
Qwerty: Bugger
Caridin: Here you go, one dwarf sized crown
Caridin hands them a crown and a remote control


Caridin: Here. I cannot self terminate. You must lower me and the anvil into the lava.
Qwerty lowers Caridin into the lava
Caridin: Goodbye

In the Chamber of the Assembly…
Bhelen: Finally! Did the crazy bitch vote for me?
Qwerty: Not exactly, but Caridin did
Harrowmont: I will grudgingly accept this despite the fact that I have no reason to believe Caridin could still be alive or that his seal was not forged
Bhelen: See? Such an idiot does not deserve to rule. Or live. Off with his head!
Qwerty: I didn’t help you so that you could start executing people
Bhelen: I know but it’s a hobby. Now, we made a deal so you’ll have our aid against the Blight. Just please take Oghren with you. I don’t need the reminder of what my Rica used to look like. The nightmares haunt me still
Alistair: Can I join the party again now? Can I? Please? Please say I can
Qwerty: Oh alright, but only because it’s funny when Doggigan insults you
Doggigan: You fight like a dairy farmer!
Alistair: Yeah well… how appropriate, you fight like a dog!

Back at camp

Leliana: So it’s time I told you what really happened. You see, there were four of us. Tug, a dwarf, an apostate named Sketch and of course Marjoline and me.
Oghren: Foursome huh? Kinky!
Leliana: No, not like that! Well, okay sometimes like that… often like that in fact… but anyway, we were in Denerim…
Qwerty: Denerim? I thought you said it happened in Orlais?
Leliana: Orlais, Denerim, I get them confused sometimes. They both look like Lothering
Qwerty: Fair enough
Leliana: Anyway we beat up a guard, dressed him up in funny clothes and put a dead body on him. Oh and stole from the chantry poor box and nailed naughty underthings to the chanters board
Qwerty: I’m guessing you didn’t tell the Sisters in Lothering about this
Leliana: Then me and Marjoline made out a bit
Oghren: Hot!
Leliana: Killed some guards and planted some documents but she betrayed me when I read them and…
Oghren: Hot! Wait, sorry. Is “betrayed” one of those euphemism things?
Leliana: No
Oghren: Shame


Leliana: I escaped and joined the Chantry
Oghren: I liked my origin story better
Qwerty: At least you got an Origin, I had to skip mine. It had an optional sex scene too!

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