Dragon Strange: Part 26

Posted: June 7, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 26

The party descend into the ruins where the werewolves have made their lair and Qwerty starts feeling up a wall…
Alistair: What are you doing?

secretdoor

Qwerty: Trying to open this secret door. Look, on the map there’s clearly something behind it…
Alistair: DA2 style remember? That just means that one of the other fifty five thousand times we see this map there will be something there. And it won’t be a secret door, it’ll be a blatantly obvious one
Qwerty: I hate that you’re right
Wolf: Intruders! Quick, seal the door! You shall not pass!
Qwerty: Anyone else having deja-vu?
Alistair: Is that some kind of Orlesian food?
A brief and one-sided fight ensues. The party proceed down the stairs and are met by a locked door
Leliana: It’s locked from the other side, I can’t pick it
Doggigan: It’s clearly made of wood yet I can’t burn it down
Alistair: It’s not made of cheese so I can’t eat through it. What? Everyone else has something helpful to say
Shale: I can break it down!
Shale attempts to punch the door, with no effect. Several more punches and even a spinning kick achieve the same lack of any result
Shale: It might wish to stand back a little
The party climb back up the stairs and Shale charges all the way across the room, down the stairs and into the door. The door doesn’t budge an inch
Qwerty: Let’s see if we can find a way round
Alistair: Help! I think I’m being uploaded!
Qwerty: For the hundredth time, it’s not that kind of web!
Giant spiders attack. Giant spiders get killed. Suddenly an even bigger spider descends on the group
Qwerty: Oh bugger

spider

Doggigan: Go for the eyes, Q, go for the eyes!
Qwerty: *which* eyes?
Doggigan: Eye don’t know!
Instead the party just hack at the creatures legs and the air around it, which for some bizarre reason seems to kill it
Leliana: Another wave!
Qwerty: How do you sound surprised every time you say that?
Leliana: I mimic how startled Alistair is every time he looks in a mirror
Alistair: Isn’t it a little late to turn that into a running gag?
Doggigan: It’s never too late to insult you, Alice
Qwerty: Did you hear that?
Alistair: You mean kind of like a roaring sound?
A dragon swoops down, but has the misfortune to clip a statue with its wing as it lands. Shale lets out a roar and charges the dragon. Mere moments later Shale is holding a dragons leg in her hand and there’s bits of dragon all over the room
Alistair: Remind me not to graffiti any more statues…
Qwerty: Werewolves, spiders, dragons… what else is down here? Undead? Demons?
Alistair: Bunny rabbits? What? I’m trying to be optimistic here
Qwerty: Well don’t tempt fate, I forgot the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
Alistair: And I just remembered that I’m actually scared of bunnies
Qwerty: Is that you being pathetic or making a pop culture reference?
Alistair (singing): Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes…
The party descend to the lower levels where they’re promptly ambushed by undead and demons. Armies of bunny rabbits fail to join the fray
Qwerty: Well it seems they were guarding this… pool of water
Alistair: It’s probably their water bowl. Maybe there’s a giant food bowl behind one of those rock-falls

skeleton

Qwerty: What rockfalls? There weren’t any remember. This entire map was one oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other we’ve been in with stairs leading down into another oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other we’ve been in
Alistair: Sorry, I forgot
Leliana: Pity there weren’t any maps in that vault
Qwerty: We couldn’t carry enough maps to make all these dungeons unique. Oh well, into the water we go

A short swim later and… they arrive in yet another oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other they’ve been in
Qwerty: Well at least we can’t get lost
Gatekeeper: Are you the Keymaster?

gatekeeper

Qwerty: No. We’re here for Witherfang
Gatekeeper: The Lady wishes to talk. Follow me
Slightly puzzled, the party follow the werewolf and find the Lady of the Forest
Lady: Greetings
Leliana: I really like your hair… but it’d be better if you had it up, in a bun perhaps. or a ponytail
Lady: Like this?
Oghren appears out of nowhere, stares, then faints
Alistair: Wow… so that’s what those look like!
Alistair faints
Lady: Zathrian has not told you everything
Qwerty (staring): Don’t care right now…
Lady: He lied, he will not sign your DVDs
Qwerty: Hmm? What? Wait, what? Lied? That bastard!
Lady: Bring him to me
Qwerty: Yes boobs… I mean, Lady
The party find the stairs leading up and arrive at the other side of the locked door. Qwerty pulls aside a tiny little bolt and the door swings open. Shale glares at it and kicks it as they walk through
Zathrian: Why are you leaving? Witherfang is not yet dead!
Qwerty: No but if you don’t start telling us the truth then you will be
Zathrian: Alright, it was me who created the werewolf curse! I condemned generations of innocents to suffer for the crimes of their ancestors or biters of their ancestors and could have cured our hunters at any moment if I weren’t so selfish. Are you happy now?
Qwerty: I don’t care about that! You were never going to sign my DVDs were you?
Zathrian: No. I’m sorry, but… I have a blister on my hand preventing me from holding a pen
Qwerty: You lying son of a bitch!
Zathrian: Of course I lied! Did you think I didn’t know what you did to my Captain?
Lanaya: Oh captain my captain…
Zathrian: Is that reference the only reason you came with me?
Lanaya: Yes. I’m off to the camp again now. Bye bye
Qwerty: You tricked us!
Zathrian: I did, and I’d do it all over again! Because as a Keeper I am a mage and under DA2 style that means I’m a completely insane psychopath!
Qwerty grabs Zathrian and throws him down the stairs
Lady: Well look who dropped in
Zathrian: More sort of rolled…
Lady: End the curse!

lady

Qwerty: Go for the eyes, boobs, go for the eyes! I mean… my Lady
Zathrian: Oh alright.
Zathrian dies, Lady vanishes and the wolves turn human. Somehow they’re fully clothed
Doggigan: Damn it, when do we women get some fan service?
Leliana: I’ve had plenty
Doggigan: Straight women!
Alistair: Everyone’s bisexual!
Doggigan: I’d only be bi if the player character was female
Leliana: Could you make a female Warden next time so we can have a threesome with her?
Qwerty: Only if I can keep the beard. Anyway Doggigan, Gaspode’s naked and he’s the same species as you
Doggigan: Don’t remind me, there’s a reason I don’t stay in this form at camp

wolf

ExWolf: Yeah… um, thanks. We’ll be off to reintegrate into the human population until one of us gets conned into appearing in the sequel

Back at the Dalish camp…
Qwerty: Ok, quests to hand in… ah you can have this scarf
GenericElf: Thank you I had never thought to see this again I am so grateful
Athras: Hey! No! That’s my wives scarf! That’s for me!
Qwerty: He had the glowy arrow above his head
Athras: My bow was broken and I said he could borrow my arrows until I got it fixed, but I didn’t mean that one!
Alistair: As if we’d trust you with a quest handin anyway, Lich King!
Athras: What?
Qwerty: Wrong spelling. Wrong franchise. Just plain wrong…
Lanaya: Times were dire but our hopes you raised, you’ve cured our hunters, creators be praised
Qwerty: Tuvok’s dead by the way. I’d have preferred to kill Neelix given the choice but…
Lanaya: I guess I’m the Keeper now. Merrill will be soooo jealous the next time our clans meet. We’ll honour the treaty Warden. It is after all Halla-ween and that is the time for “trick or treaty”

badpuns

Alistair: Hooray! We’ve got all the treaties now we can go back to Redcliffe!
Qwerty: I suppose so. Let’s make camp in yet another identical area to every other place we’ve set up camp first though.
Leliana: I think there’s a suitable place near Baldur’s Fence
Alistair: Baldur’s Fence?
Leliana: Well what did you think was connected to Baldur’s Gate?
Alistair: I walked right into that one didn’t I?
Qwerty: What, the fence? You do know that’s not actually what fencing means, right?

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