Dragon Strange: Part 27

Posted: June 11, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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Part 27

A giant frog demon is riding a unicorn and stealing cheese when suddenly the Arch Demon swoops in, eats all the cheese and the frog runs away crying
Arch Demon: Peek-a-boo, I SEE YOU!
Qwerty and Alistair both wake up, Alistair is screaming “mummy, mummy!” Suddenly Darkspawn attack the camp

campattack

Qwerty: What a good job I decided to sleep in my armour tonight!
Alistair: That’s odd, so did I
Leliana: And me. Despite the assumption that we had sex earlier
Qwerty: Well we always leave our underwear on for that, so why not armour too?
Morrigan: I’m just happy I finally get to fight in human form again
Oghren: I always sleep in my armour. Last time I took it off somebody threw it away because I hadn’t washed it in six years. That was, oh, fifteen years ago
Wynne: And I thought the smell was from the dogs…
Shale: I always sleep naked. But then, I do everything naked
Oghren: Wait… you’re female… right?
Shale: Oh no. I can sense where this is going
Oghren freezes, staring at Shale. A drip of drool falls from his mouth. Shale punches Oghren, sending him flying into a Shriek
Shale: Disgusting creature
Qwerty: The Shriek or Oghren?
Tamlen: It’s me… wait, you’re not Dalish! Damn it, I must’ve taken a wrong turn. Let’s see, turn left from main menu and head towards load game then take a right turn at switch character… Oh, hey! If any of you show up in the sequel say “hi” to Merrill for me!
Several waves of Darkspawn and Tamlen killing later (that’s waves of Darkspawn but only one Tamlen. Probably)…
Alistair: Did you have the dream too? The Arch Demon… I think it saw us! What do you think it means?

wow

Qwerty: Well just guessing but maybe it means that it found us and sent a bunch of Darkspawn to our camp to ambush us in our sleep?
Alistair: Wow I never thought of that
Qwerty: That’s odd, Bodhan and Sandal aren’t around
Alistair: Maybe they decided to sleep inside the caravan tonight?
Leliana: Nobody in here
Bodhan and Sandal pop into existence
Bodhan: Don’t worry about us. We have plot immunity
Qwerty: Let’s just get going for Redcliffe
Bodhan: But it’s still the middle of the night!
Qwerty: We can change it to day on the map

Return to Redcliffe…
Eamon: You got all the treaties? Good, good. Let’s go to Denerim!
Qwerty: Wouldn’t it have saved time if we’d just agreed to meet there instead?
Eamon: Don’t be silly, that would be far too sensible. Let’s skip another three years
Qwerty: What? No! That would be…
Three years later…
Qwerty: incredibly stupid!
Isolde and Teagan stumble out of a closet again.
Isolde: These timeskips are even better than viagra!
Eamon: Got to have room to slot the DLC in. Considering how decisions have no consequences, slotting DLC in at earlier points in the game is the only way we can encourage people to replay it
Qwerty: But I unlocked the consequences!
Eamon: You did what? We were going to sell those as the final DLC!
Qwerty: Did we at least come up with a plan during those three years?
Eamon: Selling DLC is the plan!
Qwerty: I meant about Loghain and the Blight!

lumberwaitwhat

Eamon: Oh, that. I thought you meant something important. The plan is to go to Denerim, call a Landsmeet, tell everyone that Loghain is a stinky traitor who smells of poo and put Alistair on the throne as my puppet… I mean as our King
Alistair: What? No! I don’t want to be a king! I want to be… A LUMBERJACK!
Qwerty: What?
Alistair: Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of some place that looks like Lothering! With my best girl at my side! The larch! The pine! That talking rhyming tree! Those possessed trees that tried to kill us! We’d sing, sing sing! Oh I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay…

lumberjack
lumberjack2Dances from Dance Party by Firinneach

Qwerty: That’s enough. You really think he should be king? Are you as nuts as he is?

lumberjack3

Alistair: I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars…
Eamon: Queen perhaps then?
Qwerty: I think not
Teagan: It’s him or Loghain. At least Alice is a less dangerous kind of crazy
Alistair (sarcastically): Oh I’m so glad that nickname caught on
Qwerty: You just sang about wanting to be “a girlie”
Eamon: It’s settled. Alistair will be King. Or Queen. That we can debate later. For now we must go to Denerim
Qwerty: Why can’t I be King?
Alistair: You didn’t side with the Templars
Qwerty: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Alistair: Ask DA2

Some time later, in Denerim… the party are in Eamon’s estate when Loghain, Howe, What, Whye, Who and Ser Cauthrien enter
Qwerty: Who are all of you?
Who: No only I am who
Qwerty: Why are you here?
Why: Yes I am
Qwerty: What?
What: Yes?
Loghain: Stop that!
Eamon: So good of you to join us Loghain
Loghain: How could I not when you invited every… what are you staring at?
Qwerty: I read my Origin. You’re Arl Howe!
Howe: Indeed I am.
Qwerty: I’m going to kill you for what you did to my family! But first could you please sign my Gabriel Knight, Rocky Horror, Earth 2…
Howe: No
Qwerty: Death it is then!
Sten: Not cake?
Howe: I’d rather have cake
Loghain: Me too
Sten: And me
What: And me
Qwerty: We’re going to run out of cake at this rate…
Eamon: Enough! Everyone knows pie is better so I got that instead
Sten: The cake is a pie?
Cauthrien: Can I just kill them all now? I’m pretty much the toughest boss fight in the game, I can take them
Loghain: No, we’ll just leave and twiddle our thumbs for a bit
Loghain and his entourage depart
Eamon: Well you’d better run off and play for a bit. Come by my bedroom when you’re ready for a quest
Qwerty: You’re really not my type. Wait, that’s Isolde’s bedroom too, right?
Eamon: She’s staying in Redcliffe with Teagan. It’s nice that they get along so well. But that’s not what I meant. There’s an elven woman in my bedroom…
Qwerty: I’m happy for you, but I don’t need to hear the details
Eamon: Oh for… look just come by for a quest alright?
Qwerty: Let’s just… explore Denerim for a bit shall we? Let Eamon and his elf have a bit of privacy
Oghren: You go on without me, I think there’s a closet in Eamon’s room I can hide in
Zevran: My dear Oghren, please do tell me when you decide to come out of the closet.
Leliana: Are you really that desperate?
Zevran: Alas, I am. It’s the only way I get to have a line in this scene

Denerim market…
Alistair: Why are we stopping at every vendor? Again!
Qwerty: I’m not happy about it either…
Leliana: Yes you are, we love shopping!
Qwerty (ignoring her): …but we have to check the vendors every damn act for new stuff. See, look at this. A pink bow tie armour upgrade for you Alice, that wasn’t here last time. And look at this belt, five stars… hang on, my current belt is two stars but is stupidly better than this one

stars

Merchant: Ah yes well you see the stars are a very complex system that are not easily understood and… oh alright, they don’t mean a thing. they just look pretty
Landry: You killed my friend and good King Cailan! I demand satisfaction!
Qwerty: What?
Landry: You’re one of the Warden’s, I recognise you from Ostagar
Qwerty: Well if you were at Ostagar then surely you saw that Loghain ordered his troops to abandon the King and most of the Wardens died trying to defend him
Landry: Yes but I’m incredibly stupid. I demand a duel!
Qwerty: I hope you don’t mean the kind of duel we had with Isabela
Landry: I mean the kind where I stupidly tell my bodyguards to stand back and let you kill me
Qwerty: Ok, fair enough
One quick duel later

duel

Qwerty: Well that was fun. Quick visit to the Pearl before we check up on Eamon?
Leliana: Sounds like a plan
Alistair: You mean to investigate the trap we never got around to checking on any of our previous visits?
Qwerty: Only if “investigate the trap” is a euphemism and not for that cross-dressing elf

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