Dragon Strange: Part 28

Posted: June 18, 2014 in Dragon Strange
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da2style

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Part 28

Qwerty: Alright Eamon, what’s this quest then?
Eamon: This is…
Erlina: I am Erlina, handmaiden to Queen Anora
Eamon: Or perhaps the young lady would like to introduce herself
Erlina: My Lady needs…
Qwerty: She’s a spy! You’ve been shagging a spy!
Erlina: I am not a spy! And we have not been… shagging as you put it. I am here to beg for your help Warden! My Lady she is a prisoner in Howe’s dungeon!
Qwerty: Why?
Erlina: No, not Why! Howe!
Qwerty: Another good question. How indeed?
Erlina: What?
Eamon: He’s involved too?
Erlina screams
Qwerty: Ok. So what was the…
Erlina: No! Not What! Howe!
Qwerty: Oh not again
Eamon: Perhaps you should just explain

suspicious

Erlina: My Lady she gets suspicious of her father, Loghain. She confronts Howe about it and he calls her every name in the book, and a few from the sequel. Then he locks her up in his dungeon and it is not like a good kinky Orlesian dungeon, it is a filthy place with dirt and My Lady she has allergies to dust! You must rescue her!
Qwerty: Right, I’d love to really but I met this guy in the market who wanted me to pick some pockets so we’re gonna do that instead
Erlina: But this is urgent!
Qwerty: Look, she’s the bloody queen. We’re trying to put Alice on the throne. Her being out of the way HELPS us. Why should we help you?
Erlina: My Lady she will help you. You wish to overthrow Loghain, you could use her help. Besides, if anything happens to her Loghain will surely try to pin it on you
Eamon: She’s right. It won’t help that I sent a nasty poem to Anora titled “Why Daddy’s Little Girl Needs To Die And Let My Nephew Take The Throne”
Qwerty: You utter pillock
Eamon: You can read the poem yourself if you buy the Eamon’s Complete Collection Of Crappy Poems DLC. It also includes such classics as “Oh My Little Puppet, Let Me Play With Your Strings”, “My Wife’s Favourite Safe Word Is Hard To Pronounce” and “Oh Won’t You Buy My Pretty DLC”
Qwerty: I really hope there’s an option to kill you later
Erlina: You must help my Lady!
Qwerty: Fine, but only because I want to kill Howe
Erlina: You must not put my Lady at risk for your revenge! She still owes me three weeks wages!
Erlina leaves
Qwerty: Can we trust her?
Eamon: She’s obviously more than just a servant
Eamon’s Closet: They’re lovers?
Qwerty: Oghren! Get out of there!
Eamon: This could be a trap, but what the hell, if you’re not going to buy any more DLC anyway…
Qwerty: I got the Ultimate Edition!
Eamon: Then we’ll release the Super Deluxe Ultimate Edition!
Qwerty: Will any of these DLC involve killing you?
Eamon: Hmm. how much would you pay for that?
Qwerty: Forget it, I’ll just use the ToolSet
Eamon: DA2 style remember
Qwerty: Damn it. I think when this is over we need another look in that vault…

Arl of Denerim’s Estate…

idiot

Erlina: Ah there you are! Quick, we must hurry! We shall sneak around the side of the building and only put on disguises once we’ve already been spotted and attacked because I am an idiot
Qwerty: I think there’s something of a flaw in your plan
Erlina: You will have to leave your walking statue behind. None of the guards are that big, we cannot disguise him
Shale: Hmmph
Doggigan: Does this mean I can use human form?
Qwerty: Nah, we’ll bring Wynne along
Doggigan and Alistair: Damn it
Leliana: Awww, so cute. You even talk at the same time now
Doggigan and Alistair both glare at Leliana who giggles at them
Alistair: There is NOTHING between me and Morrigan! Nothing!
Leliana: Nothing between you at nights you mean, when you’re under the same sheets…
Alistair: No! Absolutely not! Never! Not even if it would save my life, end the Blight or provide a baby with godly powers!
Erlina: Can we get a move on!
Wynne joins the party and they make their away around the side of the building, fighting one patrol of guards along the way
Erlina: Now put on your disguises and I shall distract the guards by the door since they would recognise you
Qwerty: Why can’t all guards be as blind as Templars?
Erlina: Because all the blind ones get recruited into the Templars
Qwerty: Ask a stupid question…

disguised

Erlina runs to the guards at the door
Erlina: Darkspawn are attacking! Follow me!
Guard1: Alright then. We’ll both leave our post to follow the elven stranger with the Orlesian accent despite the fact that if we had even a shred of common sense we wouldn’t trust you
Guard2: She’s no stranger, she’s a servant of the ‘guest’ in the dungeons!
Guard1: Oh, I guess we’re extra special stupid then
Guard2: Guess so
Qwerty and party sneak past and enter the manor disguised as guards
Qwerty: Ok, try not to seem intelligent and we shouldn’t seem out of place. Should be easy for you Alistair
Doggigan: Ha, indeed!
Qwerty: Even a stupid guard might notice a talking dog though, so be quiet
Doggigan: Woof?
Wynne: I’m so glad you asked me to come along with us Alice
Alistair: What? No it wasn’t my idea!
Wynne: Shale told me you’d deny it, there’s no need to be shy
Alistair: Please just kill me
Qwerty: Soon as the option comes along…

guard

Erlina returns and escorts them through the building, just in case they get lost despite it having the exact same layout as so many other buildings…
Erlina: And here are the stairs down to the dungeons. You must hurry and rescue My Lady!
Qwerty: Yes yes, just looting… ooh look. Grey Warden documents
Alistair: I wish I hadn’t lost my secret Grey Warden decoder ring
Leliana: You have decoder rings?
Alistair: It came free in a pack of Darkspawnflakes

The party descend the stairs
Guard: Well well, uninvited guests. We were told to kill anyone who came down here
Qwerty: Well I was told to kill you
Alistair: Who told you to do that?
Guard: Wait, Who sent you to kill us? That traitor!
Qwerty: What?
Guard: He’s in on it too? Damn it! Can we trust nobody?
Alistair: Who’s “nobody”?
Guard: Who is nobody! Damn it, we definitely can’t trust him then!
Qwerty: No, no I was setting up for a heroic line. See, I told me to kill you
Alistair: You talk to yourself?
Qwerty: Oh he’s a lumberjack and he’s okay…
Alistair: Point taken
Guard: I’m all confused now! Just kill ’em boys!

The guards are less than successful. The subsequent dozen or so waves enjoy an equal share of failure. A naked man walks out of a cell and hugs Alistair
Riordan: I am so happy to see you!
Alistair: Well this is awkward…
Riordan: I am Riordan of the Orlesian Wardens. Usually I wear pants. Since I’m Orlesian I sometimes add a feather boa. But today I wear neither for I was captured by that despicable Howe.
Qwerty: How did he capture you?
Riordan: Yes, I just told you he did. He invited me for drinks and I stupidly assumed he didn’t know who I was. My drink was drugged and I woke up without any clothes and in a cell. This hasn’t happened since the last time I visited Lady Isolde
Qwerty: Are these documents yours?
Riordan: Yes but I’d prefer it if you found me some pants first. I am rather lacking in pockets right now
Alistair: Good point
Riordan: Thank you for noticing, but it’s rather inappropriate to discuss that with another man
Alistair: Eh?
Qwerty: Just take some armour off a guard! I knew I shouldn’t have installed that nudity mod until we were back at camp
Riordan gets dressed
Riordan: I will meet up with you later. I need some coffee before I do any fighting
Erlina: Over here! My Lady is in here!
Qwerty: It’s locked!
Leliana: Magically sealed, I can’t pick it
Anora: Howe had a mage seal it. You’ll need to kill the mage to open it

door

Erlina: I will wait here by the door, you go kill the evil mage!
Alistair: You mean Morrigan or Howe’s mage?
Doggigan bites Alistair

In the next room they find some guards standing around a torture rack. After a brief and one-sided fight they release the captive
Oswyn: You took your time! Did my dad want to teach me a lesson or something?
Qwerty: We weren’t sent by your father
Oswyn: Oh. Well in that case I’m Oswyn…
Alistair: Owen? Again?
Oswyn: No, Oswyn. Son of Bann Sighard
Qwerty: Well run along and tell your dad we rescued you and he should support us in the Landsmeet
Oswyn: There really is a Landsmeet then? Oh good, I hope I’m in time to buy a souvenir T-Shirt
Wynne: We should check the other cells, there may be more prisoners
Alistair: Does it occur to anyone that despite Howe being evil, some of the prisoners may actually be criminals? That letting them go might not be a great idea?
Qwerty: I’ve invested skill points in pickpocketing. My girlfriend picks locks. We kill people. It’d be somewhat hypocritical to leave somebody locked up for petty theft or something when we can get xp and rewards by letting them go
Soris: Please let me go. All I did was kill some people
Qwerty: See? Nothing we haven’t done ourselves
Soris: They kidnapped my bride. And my stupid Dwarven cousin wouldn’t help
Leliana: Wait, he was telling the truth about that?
Qwerty: Off you go then. Run along and… well if you meet anyone allowed to vote tell them to vote for us. Now what’s behind this door…
Howe: Not What, but Howe!
Qwerty chops Howes head off and they make quick work of the mages and the waves of guards who jump out of the walls and who somehow fall out of the ceiling
Howe: I… deserved…
Qwerty: Oh shut up
Qwerty punts Howes severed head through an open cell door
Alistair: Goal!
Qwerty: Gaol goal!
Vaughan: Could you let me out please? I am the rightful Arl of Denerim!
Qwerty: Well I was going to let you out until you told me who you are
Vaughan: Oh. I’m actually not the Arl, I’m just… a maid
Qwerty: You’re the one who likes to kidnap Elven women?
Vaughan: No no, just a maid. An innocent maid
Qwerty: Why a maid? Is that honestly the best excuse you could think of?
Vaughan: Actually… yes. I’m rather stupid you see. Comes with being a noble. Especially under DA2 rules
Qwerty: Give me one good reason why I should let you out
Vaughan: I’ll pay you! This key, this will unlock treasure!
Qwerty: Okay
Leliana: You can’t be serious! We can’t let him out!
Murder Knife friendship +25
Qwerty unlocks the door
Qwerty: I didn’t say he’d still be alive when I let him out
Wynne: There’s another poor man in this cell
Irminric: Give this to my sister
Qwerty: Ok. Door’s open by the way
Irminric: I’m mad though so I’ll stay for a bit
Qwerty: Suit yourself. Let’s get Anora out of here

They arrive back at Anora’s cell and open the door. Anora walks out disguised as a guard
Anora: The guards here are probably loyal to my father. I must remain disguised until we’re safely out of here
Qwerty: Sure, whatever. I’m sure a guard walking around with obvious intruders won’t arouse suspicion
Erlina: What about your disguises?
Qwerty: Lost ’em. And for some reason we can’t just take more off these guards we killed
The party head upstairs where they run into Ser Cauthrien
Cauthrien: Surrender Warden, and you may yet live
Anora: She would be a valuable ally, if only we could turn her against my father
Qwerty: Very well, I will surrender on the condition that you allow my friends to leave so that they may rescue me
Cauthrien: An interesting compromise…
Cauthrien explodes
Everyone but Wynne stares in shock
Wynne: I removed the chance of compromise because there can be no compromise!
More shocked stares
Wynne: I have a spirit from the fade in me, what did you expect?

boom

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