Archive for May, 2017

In the year 2185, humanity lives in a golden era of interstellar travel. Our discovery of ancient alien ruins on Mars propelled our understanding of science and technology ahead by thousands of years… but games are still released without sufficient testing or bug fixes.
For the 1,031,628 adventurers embarking on this one-way voyage, the future begins in…

patchfinder

 

Ryder: [Gasps for breath]
ryder
Ryder: They made it! They released it!
Technician: Deep breaths. You’re gonna want to take it easy.
Ryder: Easy? Do you mean Narrative or Casual?
Ian The Technic: “Ryder, Parody Specialist, Patchfinder Mission Team.”
Technician: Patchfinder Team, eh? The ones finding us a new update. Can you fix the one with the permanent unread flags in the codex? The journal too…
Ian The Technic: How about we get her to fix the ten minute freezes after kill shots first?

Welcome Vid: The selection process saw the Electronic Arts evaluate thousands of potential bug fixes within the game. None of them were deemed worth delaying release for.
Lexi: Ryder? Let’s get you checked out. Look here. No, into the camera so the player can see how little we spent on updating the graphics.
Welcome Vid: After discovering an unusually high ratio of potential customers willing to spend money on an unfinished product, or “golden wallets”, the PC and Console gaming market was selected as our target audience. Now you are a part of the first wave of players testing enjoying our new game.

more screenshots will be included in a later chapter or DLC

Lexi: Makes it sound so easy, doesn’t it?
Ryder: We did a joke about the difficulty settings already.
Lexi: Everything checks out….
Ryder: My nose is bleeding.
Lexi: It’s just a flesh wound, not a priority to fix. Just one more thing to ‘test’ before we send you on your way. Let’s test your SPAM implant. SPAM, are you online?
SPAM: Yes, Dr T’Perro. Would you like to know how to use the mining interface?
Ryder: Wait, did I agree to having this thing in my head?
Lexi: You didn’t bother to untick the checkbox hidden in the small print of the Patchfinder team application form. You’re good enough for release anyway, though you may want to stick around while we revive your brother. You did go to all that trouble of designing his face as well as your own after all.
Ryder: Right, like I spent long on that. I learned my lesson from Fallout 4 thanks very much.
Technicemily: Bad command or file name in the navigation sub systems!
Technicallistair: We’ve lost gravity! Watch out, cryo pod swooping down on us! Swooping is bad!
Ryder: What the hell have I gotten myself in for?

to be continued…