Archive for the ‘Elder Scrolls’ Category

Sadly most of my Morrowind screenshots were lost in a tragic hard drive death many years ago, including the famous Balmora Pillow Tower, but one particular selection of Morrowinsanity survived and is finally returned to the loving embrace of the internet here, along with an assortment of silliness and some artistic shots from Oblivion and Skyrim

first up, by my braids it’s the Morrowind Boot Blasphemer!

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and now for some Oblivinsanity…

brandnewme

wife

arrows

greyfox
talking to yourself is the 310,458th sign of madness. talking to Sheogorath is the second

elfandvilja

makefriend
sometimes making friends is easy… if you can find the right raw materials

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I first made Merricat to prove that an Oblivion girl doesn’t have to have breasts the size of her own head to be pretty. I think she came out rather well. She’s named after Mary Katherine Blackwood from Shirley Jackson’s amazing story We Have Always Lived In The Castle

darkbrotherhood
Yes so very discreet and not at all a problem… (apologies for the mouse pointer, I somehow neglected to notice it when I took the screenshot and I kept forgetting to redo it when in game so in the end I just went with this one)

qwerty
Qwerty Cousland visits Cyrodil

killedanything

love
Make war not love! There’s a time and a place for everything… a battle is the time and place for killing enemy scum!

butterflies
Merricat always gets butterflies at job interviews
Merricat’s Curriculum Vitae
Merricat Whitewood
Various residences including Skingrad, Imperial City, Chorrol and Anvil
Education: Self taught at blades (with the scars to prove it), alchemy (with the burns to prove it), speechcraft (the marks from the slaps have faded so you’ll have to take my word for it) and stealing (check your pockets) amongst other skills
Previous work experience: Champion of Cyrodil having helped Ned Stark avenge the death of his father Captain Picard at the hands of some daft cultists. Former Champion of the Imperial City Arena (retired after the infamous “pushing a Bosmer fan through an Oblivion gate” incident). Definitely not the Grey Fox at all, in no way affiliated with the Thieves Guild, not that it exists
Relevant skills: Aiding various Daedra Lords including Sheo himself in a fun “rain of burning dogs” prophecy. Highly skilled at chopping hostile creatures and humanoids into tiny chunks. Knows a lot about poisonous mushrooms
Next of kin: Constance Whitewhood currently residing in Morrowind
References: Clavicus Vile. High Chancellor Ocato. Vilja. Corvus Umbranox.

and finally some Skyrinsanity

tallorder

empire

headless

cleanse

negotiate
The Dragonborn drives a hard bargain. Everything is negotiable. Even the seating arrangements

delphine
On all my previous characters I always went through Bleak Falls Barrow just after reaching Riverwood. This time though, I went to Whiterun first. I picked up the quest from Farengar and then completed the dungeon, discovering an extra scene on my return. A very easy to miss early indication that there’s more to Delphine than innkeeping

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elf14
Being an adventurer can be dangerous, you should always have a fallback career option

elf16
How not to ride a horse

elf17
Think very carefully before spending more money than you need to

elf18
Don’t challenge a mage to a friendly fight

elf19
Always show the camera your good side
oh, and don’t set your face on fire, it can damage your eyesight

elf20
Telling a witch that she has a face like a horses arse may lead to being on the wrong end of an imaginative curse

elf21
Always return your library books on time!

elf22
Always check the quality of your transport before going for a ride

elf23
Always remember to put your disguise back on
…stupid Blades…

elf24
Always remember to check under your bed for monsters

Statue of a Champion

Posted: March 3, 2014 in Dragon Age, Elder Scrolls
Tags: ,

oblivy

da2

Far from the only annoyance of DA2 but one of the most easily demonstrated in screenshots. Morrowind’s disappointing sequel (salvaged somewhat by Shivering Isles and lots of player made content) scores one over Dragon Age’s disappointing sequel.

Playing My Song

Posted: March 2, 2014 in Elder Scrolls, Stories
Tags: ,

Another glance around the room following another empty mug. Another frustratingly friendly smile from the wench as she walked over with his next drink. Another dose of her depressingly cheerful banter and her sickly sweet cheap mead. He tossed a coin onto the table, landing in his empty mug. She gave an insufferably cheerful giggle as she fished it out of, wiping the dregs onto her apron. Another miserable little tavern in another miserable little town on another miserable day but these hollow-headed, easily amused fools refused to share his misery.

His life wasn’t supposed to be like this. A year ago he’d been in Solitude, a student at the Bard’s college who was showered in praise more often than in snow. How fast things can change and how fragile the future can be. His pride had taken him to Solitude but his shame had brought him south.
Another hush descended and again all eyes and ears waited on the bard. A pretty young thing, she lifted her instrument but it wasn’t the strings of her lute that her fingers played, instead they brushed across his heart as the haunting beauty of her voice caressed his ears.

With a beer in hand
The thieves did stand
Cheering a toast to their health
The cat downed her beer
And she said with good cheer
The next round is on the elf

It wasn’t a song you heard often, he’d only met a few bards who still knew it and none of them would play it again. He’d sometimes hear of bandits singing snippets of it but none who knew all the words. It was the song he’d written, it was his shame.

With the beers all drank
The Elf’s heart sank
As he handed over the coins
The nord made a toast
And he yelled out a boast
As the drunk cat eyed his loins

He remembered when he’d first tested his words on an audience of his fellow students. Let them keep their epic ballads, he’d known the best way for his words to spread across Skyrim wasn’t with some historically inaccurate love story but with a simple drinking song.

With three beers down
The orc did frown
And bid the elf goodbye
For none could know
‘Twas not or show
And someone had to die

He’d dreamed that one day he’d walk into a random inn, some place he’d never heard of before, to hear strangers singing his song.

He let out a roar
As the elf fell to the floor
Then he snapped the neck of the nord
As the orc grabbed her hair
The cat leapt out her chair
And she whipped out a hidden sword

It was his own fault really. He could have written something simple, he should have written something simple. Instead, despite his plans, he found himself writing a story.

The orc downed one last beer
And he said with a sneer
The treasure will all be mine
She knew that his knife
Could cost her a life
But that cat she had nine

It was supposed to condemn the treacherous nature of bandits but the college claimed it romanticised and celebrated their thefts and backstabbing. He’d left in shame when he’d heard that the very people it was supposed to criticise had taken it as an ode to their heroism.

As the cat dodged his blade
The orcs courage did fade
And slowly gave way to fear
The cat slashed his throat
Then brushed off her coat
And ordered another beer

The small crowd cheered their drunken approval but the bard had eyes only for him. She ordered drinks and took a seat at his table.
“You don’t remember me, do you?” she asked.
“Of course I do,” he smiled. “I’d forget my own name before I forgot your face.”
“Liar!” she teased. “You barely noticed me at the college. I noticed you though.”
The barmaid brought over the drinks and this time he returned her smile. He’d finally found what he’d been searching for.

Another walk along another road on another day. His misery had been merely momentarily misplaced last night. One more bard who knew his song but would never sing it again. He wondered how long before they found her body. A little less of his shame in the world, but what of the drunken fools who’d heard her? He could only hope that they were too full on drink for the words to fill their memory. After all, he thought as another caravan of captured rebels passed by, it wasn’t as if he could silence everyone in Helgen.

Always follow the Elf & Safety guidelines. They have many good points

elf1elf1a
Do not sit near archery targets

elf2
Don’t be rude to psychopaths

elf3
Shoulders do not make good quivers

elf4
This one may seem a little pointless compared to the previous warnings, but always dress appropriately for the weather

elf5
Always wear sunscreen, even in the Arena

elf6
Be careful about where you go to get piercings. Issa’s Tattoo’s & Piercing shop doesn’t get a lot of repeat customers…

elf7elf7a
Always carry protection with you
I’m not actually sure why an NPC randomly took a shield to church but I don’t believe in wasting an opportunity for a joke. Especially a bad joke

elf8
Do not smoke in bed

elf9
Always… ALWAYS remember the parachutes!
Don’t you just hate it when you forget to bring just ONE thing and your friends keep bugging you about it for the rest of your life?

elf10elf10a
Politics can be dangerous… as evidenced when Ocato’s latest announcement is met with a little hostility…

elf11
Don’t get caught between fighting monsters
A wise man once said “Never start a fight, but always finish it”
I don’t think he meant this fight though

elf12elf12a
There are better ways to tell a friend how much you adore (a door) them
What are friends for
if not trapping you in a door?
…well, probably lots of things. but it beats being shot full of arrows

elf13
Don’t stand in the fire!
this one’s for the WoW fans 😛