Part 12
Warden and company return to Redcliffe with the mages
Alistair: You could say that our group has had a…
Alistair puts on sunglasses
Alistair: Mage-r upgrade! YEAAA… ow! You hit me!
Alistair rivalry +10
Warden: I’m sorry, my fist slipped
Owen: Warden! Thank you so much for saving my daughter!
Warden: You’re welcome… wait, what?
Valena: Brains
Owen: She’s been a little odd since she got back, doesn’t say much and keeps trying to bite my customers, but I’m just glad she’s ok
Warden: Right….
Owen: Actually I’m trying to marry her off. You wouldn’t happen to be interested would you?
Warden: Oh I’m sorry we have an urgent appointment at the Castle. Bye
Valena: Brains?
Doggigan: Sorry, our party is rather short on them
Irving: Somebody must go into the Fade to rescue the boy
Warden: We were just there!
Irving: Yes well somebody must go there again. It needs to be a mage
Morrigan: I could go and make a deal with the demon… I mean… kill the demon
Wynne: I will go
Irving: Are you sure?
Wynne: I must prove myself worthy of my true love Alistair.
Alistair: Is there any chance of side effects? Memory loss perhaps?
Irving: No, nothing like that
Alistair: Damn
Wynne: It’s very sweet of you to be so concerned Alistair
Leliana: Alice has a girlfriend!
Alistair: My name is not Alice!
Oghren: Alice isn’t a girl? Damn it, I’m leaving again then
Alistair: I do wish he’d stop doing that
Irving: Wynne you are feeling very sleepy…
Wynne: Of course I am, I’m very, very old
Wynne falls asleep
Connor: Did you make my father sick?
Wynne: No dear, that was the nasty blood mage with the STDs
Connor: Oh. What’s an STD?
Wynne: That doesn’t matter right now, you’re really in the Fade and I need you to wake up
Connor: I’m not really Connor, I’m a demon! Surprise!
Wynne kills the demon
Eamon: Hello? Is anybody there?
Wynne: Hello, I’m trying to save your son
Eamon: Really? I’m the one who’s bloody dying. Save me. Also I’m selling these fine DLCs…
Wynne: I’m not the player character.
Eamon: Well could you talk him into buying one? There’s Return to Ostagar, you have special dialogue for that one too!
Wynne: How very exciting, I’m certainly eager to return to the battle where I almost died. Now leave me be while I find the demon who’s possessing your son
Connor: You shouldn’t be here! Go away!
Wynne: Are you Connor or a demon?
Connor: Surprise! I’m really a demon!
Wynne kills the demon
Connor: Surprise! I’m a demon too!
Wynne kills the demon
Demon: Surprise! I’m really a… oh wait, I forgot my disguise. Um… let’s talk this over! I am a demon of desire, I can grant you any wish you could ask. What do you want?
Wynne: I’d like to be able to drag you out of the Fade, cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favours come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this.
Wynne waves
Wynne: Can you arrange that for me Miss Desire Demon?
Demon: Not… exactly
Wynne: Well I can
Wynne kills the demon
Wynne and Connor wake up. Wynne has a severed demon head in her hands.
Irving: You did it! The boy is free of the demon
Teagan: Now we need to save Eamon
Isolde: The urn! The Urn of Sacred Ashes will save him!
Warden: You want us to go chasing a myth?
Isolde: Yes! It’ll keep you busy so me and Teagan can… um… I mean… it is not a myth! It is real. Maybe. It must be. Probably. Go, find it
Leliana: Don’t you mean “Teagan and I”?
Isolde: You? Stay away from my Teagan you hussy!
Leliana: I was only trying to correct your grammar
Isolde: You can stay away from my grandma too!
Teagan: Brother Genetivi in Denerim was researching it. Perhaps he can help
Alistair: Told you. Denerim
Warden: Perhaps somebody in Orzammar could help
Teagan: No, that would be silly
Warden: Worth a shot
Alistair: Why are you so keen to go to Orzammar anyway?
Warden: I did some reading up and there’s a gift there for Leliana that might help me get into her pants
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Actually I have an idea. Lesbians
Alistair: What? Your idea is lesbians?
Oghren: Did somebody say lesbians?
Warden: Oghren can you fetch me a cute nug from Orzammar?
Oghren: What? What does that have to do with lesbians?
Warden: Leliana is bisexual and wants a cute nug
Oghren vanishes
Alistair: Did… did you just turn sexual references into a magic word of conjuration?
Warden: Can’t be, you’re a templar, you’d have surely noticed
Oghren reappears with a cute nug
Warden: Now go away
Oghren: What? Where are my lesbians?
Warden: Aren’t you supposed to be dead?
Oghren: Oh yeah
Oghren vanishes
Warden: Leliana, have this…
Leliana: Camp
Warden: Fine, we’ll make camp then head for Denerim
The party set up camp in a location that looks just like every other place they set up camp at
Morrigan: So I’ve been reading the book and it says bad stuff about my mother so I need you to kill her
Warden: But you wanted me to kill her even before you read it
Morrigan: Um… that was a fade demon. Or something. Just go along with it please?
Warden: Fine, I’ll kill your mother. But only because she refused to sign my Voyager DVD box set
Sten: Where is the cake? They said there would be cake? The cake is…
Warden: is your next quest?
Sten: Yes
Alistair: Please don’t interrupt that line, it’s my favourite
Wynne: I too have a quest for you. I want to go for a walk with you
Warden: I thought you liked Alistair?
Wynne: That’s not what I meant! Honestly! I only want us to walk into an ambush so I can fall over and explain how I’m possessed by a dem… friendly spirit
Warden: Right… are there any mages who aren’t blood mages, abominations or circle mages?
Wynne: Most are all three
Alistair: My sister is in Denerim. Can we go see her?
Warden: Fine
Dog: Woof
Warden: You can have this bone, it’s from a zombie but I don’t suppose you’ll mind
Dog friendship +10
Dog: Woof!
Zevran: About that leather clothing…
Warden: Well one of the bandits who attacked us was wearing these leather boots
Zevran: It will do for now
Zevran friendship +10
Warden: Leliana, have this nug
Leliana: Aww it’s one of those cute subter…subt… underground bunny pigs! So cuuuuuuuute!
Leliana friendship +1
Warden: One? Just one bloody friendship point? What do I have to do to get you into bed woman?
Leliana rivalry +500
Warden: Damn it
Alistair: We don’t even have beds
On the way to Denerim… RANDOM ENCOUNTER!!!
Bandit: Attack!
Multiple bandit waves later
Warden: And now to slice his throat even though he died in the first wave and should be dead anyway…
Leliana: Wait, these are no ordinary bandits!
Warden: How can you tell?
Leliana: There’s a big glowy plot arrow above him
Bandit: We were just hired to kill the pretty redhead!
Oghren: Me?
Warden: You’re not pretty and you’re not here
Oghren: I’m pretty drunk. That counts
Warden: Get lost
Leliana: You were sent to kill me? It must be Marjoline!
Bandit: She’s in Denerim. This is her address. Please don’t kill me
Leliana: Go, now. Before I change my mind
Bandit: I’ll send you a letter later about how I’ve changed my ways, repented my sins and taken up stalking you to find out where you live so I can send you letters
Leliana: I must confront her. If we happen to go to Denerim can we look her up?
Warden: We’re on our way to Denerim anyway, you know this. We’re standing right next to a sign that says “You are now entering Denerim, thank you for walking safely”. Alistair just walked into it
Alistair: It was supposed to be ironic
Warden: Well it was moronic
Alistair: Actually it was wooden
Leliana: It is a sign from the Maker that we are on the right path
Warden: The sign-maker, yes
Dragon Strange & Other Insanity 
You can never go wrong with a good Babylon 5 reference. If only I could have actually had Wynne wave in the screenshot it would have been perfect.
It’s amazing how in Mass Effect 2 and Dragon Age 2 the player is constantly bombarded with mail as the only consequence to most minor decisions such as letting certain characters have second chances or completing their side quest. So of course I had to mention it in the parody.
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