Dragon Strange: Part 33

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Part 33

The party enter the Landsmeet and find Eamon and Loghain locked in argument already
Loghain: I have every right! The Wardens are harbouring Orlesians and I intent to root them out before they infect this kingdom!
Eamon: Orlesians! Where do you not see Orlesians? Our people cannot sneeze without you accusing them of corruption!
Loghain: Do not trifle with me Eamon, my patience is at an end!
Sten: Trifle? I prefer cake
Eamon: A wonder that I never saw it begin!
Loghain: What I have done is protect the people of this kingdom time and again! What I have done is protect the Wardens from their own taint and their own stupidity! And I will not stop doing it! I will not lower our guard! I dare not!
Qwerty: This fighting needs to stop! The kingdom must be united against the Blight!
Loghain: What other option do we have? Tell me Warden that you have not seen with your own eyes what they can do, heard the lies of Orlesians that seek power! Your own girlfriend was almost killed by an Orlesian’s manipulations!
Qwerty: You can’t use the actions of some to condemn them all! Besides, the Orlesians have nothing to do with this you bloody nutjob!
Riordan: You would cast us all as villains but it is not so!
Loghain: I know, and it breaks my heart to do it but we must be vigilant! If you cannot tell me another way then do not brand me a tyrant!

Qwerty: There’s lots of other ways. There’s the way where you pull your head out of your arse, admit the charges against the Wardens are false and turn yourself in for conspiracy, treason and being stark raving mad. Or there’s the way where we grudgingly put our differences aside and unite our armies against the Blight and resolve this later, or the way were I lop your head off and everybody cheers
Loghain: Turn myself in? For your crimes? I think not. It was the Grey Wardens who led our King into a death trap at Ostagar all so that their Orlesian allies could invade when our armies were weakened and demoralised!
Qwerty: The Blight is the enemy here, not the Orlesians! Oh and by the way, how’s your slave business going? Getting a good price for all those Elves?
Loghain: Such things are necessary in times of war but it’s not like any of the nobles care about elves anyway is it? I don’t even give them a capital letter and nobody cares!
Qwerty: But they might care about, oh, poisoning Arl Eamon?
Loghain: I had nothing to do with that
Qwerty: Funny, Jowan and Irminric, the Templar you took him away from, said otherwise
Grand Cleric: The Maker does not take kindly to this news Loghain
Loghain: Um… you kidnapped my daughter! Yes, our beloved Queen is being held captive by the evil Orlesian conspiring Wardens!
Anora: I’m really not. I’m right here and I’m going to marry the pink haired freakshow
Loghain: Balls, this isn’t going well is it? Well… you murdered Arl Howe!
Eamon: Oh come on Loghain, everybody hated Howe, you’re just helping our case now
Loghain: Damn it!
Grand Cleric: Enough! We shall take a vote
Everyone: We support the Warden!
Loghain: Well I don’t!
Grand Cleric: Well it’s not unanimous so I guess you’ll have to settle it in a duel then
Qwerty: What? But we won
Grand Cleric: Don’t be silly. Go on, duel away
Anora: Father you don’t have to do this

Loghain: My own daughter falls prey to the influence of Orlesians! You all have! You’re all weak! Allowing the Orlesians to control your minds with their sexy exotic accents, to turn you against me! But I don’t need any of you! I will protect this kingdom myself!
Anora: You’ll have to go through me!
Loghain: Idiot girl, just like all the others
Qwerty: Anora, you’re not fighting him for me
Anora: Can I at least slap him? He never did give me enough pocket money when I was a little girl
Qwerty: Fine

Anora slaps Loghain with enough force to send him flying across the room. Loghain snarls and pulls out a sword… which on closer inspection actually resembles a giant Swiss Orlesian Army Knife
Qwerty: You made a sword from a toolset?
Loghain laughs and uses the toolset to bring statues, furniture and ornaments to life, then inexplicably jumps onto a balcony and poses watching the battle. The party fight through the normally inanimate objects and Loghain jumps down, gets hit a few times and then retreats and goes back to posing while they fight the furniture
Leliana: I guess we’re turning the tables on him!
Qwerty: I think I just killed his chairman!
One of the statues lunges towards Sandal and Bodhan who are watching from the sidelines
Bodhan: You no take Sandal!
Qwerty decapitates the statue before it gets close. Loghain jumps down again, realises his allies are all dead and finds all weapons pointed at him
Loghain: Um…
Riordan: Wait! Don’t kill him, we can make him a Warden instead!
Qwerty: Ha yes, good one. Maybe not the best time for jokes though
Riordan: No, I was serious
Qwerty: Ah, you’re applying for the position of idiot now Alice is dead then?
Riordan: At least it’s better than being the streaker
Qwerty: Fair enough
Anora: The joining is dangerous, we all know this somehow despite it being a huge secret. If my father dies then justice is served
Qwerty: Yes and if he survives then he’s alive.
Anora: He’s the Hero of the River Dane! And he voiced a famous vampire!

Grand Cleric: He’s not the vampire, he’s a very naughty boy!
Riordan: Trust me Qwert, I have something to tell you later, in private that will make you change your mind
Qwerty: Why do men keep hitting on me?
Leliana: It’s the pigtails
Riordan: That’s not what I meant! Let’s just say that being a Warden might be even more of a punishment than killing him
Qwerty: Fine, but I reserve the right to stab him later if I change my mind
Anora: Fair enough
Riordan: Good call
Loghain: Do I have no say in this?
Qwerty: No, not really
Loghain: Oh, alright then
Eamon: Now we just need to address who should be king. I think since poor Alistair is dead that the crown should go to his secret twin brother… um… Alis…two. Alistwo!
Qwerty: That’s a puppet. I can see the strings
Eamon: How is that any different from Alistair?
Qwerty: I shall be king, ruling alongside Queen Anora and Queen Leliana

Eamon: You can’t have two wives!
Qwerty: Anora, can the king make the law or can he not?
Anora: The three of us shall marry and rule jointly
Qwerty: I love the toolset!
Eamon: But… what about my puppet?

Varric: And then they all lived happily ever after
Cassandra: What? That wasn’t an ending!
Varric: I know. DA2 style remember
Cassandra: I don’t care. You say the Champion (of Redcliffe) found not just one toolset but also took the one from Loghain. He must have been able to make his own ending
Varric: Fine, fine. We’re already about fifty times longer than DA2 actually is anyway. You want an ending, you shall have it

Qwerty and company arrive in Redcliffe
Riordan: The Darkspawn are attacking Denerim!
Qwerty: What? We just came from there! Why’d you bring us here?
Riordan: Because I’m an idiot and assumed they’d attack a small town nobody cares about rather than the capital city especially if we moved all our armies away from the more appealing target. Oh by the way, the Arch Demon is in Denerim
Qwerty: Fine, let’s go back there right away
Eamon: We’ll go tomorrow
Riordan: Qwerty, Loghain, do either of you know how to kill an Arch Demon?
Loghain: Not really
Qwerty: Stab it?
Riordan: A Grey Warden must kill it. It contains the soul of an Old God
Qwerty: Cthulhu?
Loghain: C’thun?
Riordan: No. But when it dies, that soul will pass into the nearest tainted creature. If it is not slain by a Warden it will go to another Darkspawn and make a new Arch Demon
Qwerty: Even though they’re not a dragon?
Riordan: Shush. If it is killed by a Warden then the Wardens soul will fight the Old God soul and both will be destroyed. Only then will the Blight end
Loghain: So that’s why you spared me
Riordan: What? No. I spared you so we could assign you to a post in Orlais. I shall kill the Arch Demon

Loghain: Orlais?! No! Kill me! Anything but that!
Qwerty: I have to say, I like this plan
Loghain: Please no!
Riordan: I told you

Qwerty retreats to his bedroom where he finds Morrigan, Sten, Oghren, Zevran, Gaspode, Bodhan and Sandal
Oghren: Congratulations on your impending marriage! This is your bachelor party!
Qwerty: Oghren, why are you still in your old armour? Aren’t you going to get changed like everyone else?
Oghren: Are you nuts? I already changed my clothes a few years ago, why would I do it again so soon?
Morrigan: I’m the stripper. These candles and magic circles are just… party decorations
Qwerty: Um…

Morrigan: I believe it’s traditional for you to sleep with the stripper?
Qwerty: I think that’s just a stereotype… besides Leliana would kill me
Morrigan: Damn. Right, you lot fuck off
Oghren: Can I at least take the booze with me?
Zevran: But I’m a stripper too!
Sten drags everyone out
Morrigan: Look, I know all about the Arch Demon and Warden death pact thing. Mother told me all about it. And there is a way around it. Sleep with me
Qwerty: I know I’m sexy but this is getting ridiculous
Morrigan: Oh for… I’m actually telling the truth this time! Probably for the first time ever! I want to have your baby so it will save your life, end the blight and not have you die
Qwerty: Fine but only if Leliana can join in
Morrigan: Oh alright

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Dragon Strange: Part 32

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Part 32

The party are once again wandering through the Deep Roads
Alistair: So I was thinking, since everyone likes Leliana’s Song…
Qwerty: If you’re trying to sell more DLC I will stab you
Alistair: I meant the actual song. That she sang. People like singing
Qwerty: Your point?
Alistair: We should make this a musical!
Qwerty: You’re insane
Alistair: Think about it! It’d go something like…

Loghain: A teryn’s gotta do what a teryn’s gotta do
Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through
All that matters: taking matters into your own hands
Soon I’ll control everything, my wish is your command

Alistair: Stand back everyone, nothing here to see
Just imminent danger, in the middle of it…
Qwerty: Me!

Alistair and Qwerty: Yes, Grey Warden’s are here, hair blowing in the breeze
And the day needs our saving expertise

Alistair: An heir’s gotta do what an heir’s gotta do
Seems the Blight ends with me ruling you
The only doom that’s looming is the Archdemons breath
So I’ll give you a sec to spawn demon babies to stop my death

Morrigan (sarcastic): Thank you royal bastard, I don’t think I can
Explain how important it was that you finally be a man
Now I’m pregnant, just like in Stargate and Farscape
‘Tis time to make my escape

Qwerty: First, that’s just ridiculous. Second, it contains spoilers of things that may or may not happen
Alistair: Oh but everyone knows about that anyway
Qwerty: And thirdly we’re not doing it
Alistair: Balls

They arrive at the vault
Qwerty: Right, let’s search this place from top to bottom. Oh and if anyone finds a spare heir so we can get rid of Alistair…
Leliana: I thought we were going to marry Anora?
Qwerty: Just in case she stabs us in the back
Alistair: I found companion armour! I can finally change into some clean clothes!
Leliana: Oh thank the Maker! I can wear some different shoes at last!
Doggigan: I don’t suppose there’s anything to increase the party size so I could go human again?
Qwerty: No but there’s a shapeshifting specialisation manual, you could be a spider or a bear instead
Doggigan: I’ll stick with the dog. At least I’ve experience at being a bitch
Qwerty: Ah ha! I found it!
He proudly displays what looks like a swiss army knife
Alistair: Antivan army knife perhaps?
Leliana: Or Orlesian
Qwerty: It’s the ToolSet!
Alistair: Oh no
Qwerty: Oh yes!
Alistair: Be careful with that thing!
Qwerty: I’ve a feeling it will come in extremely handy later
Leliana: Wait, how have we been using mods when that was locked up in here?
Qwerty: There’s some very talented modders out there. And we appreciate their efforts very much
Shale: Are we done here now? Can we get to more important things like my companion quest?
Qwerty: Fine, fine. Lead the way

A short trip via the map later they end up in yet another identical portion of the Deep Roads…
Qwerty: At least we’ll never have to come here ever again after this
Doggigan: Yes I’m sure there’ll never be any reason at all for you to return to this part of the Deep Roads
Several thousand packs of Darkspawn later…

Shale: Here we are, a sign saying… oh. Caridin was telling the truth after all. Can it please not tell the pervy dwarf about this?
Qwerty: Well this was clearly time well spent
Alistair: Landsmeet time?
Qwerty: Landsmeet
Alistair: An heir’s gotta do, what…
Qwerty: Shut up
Alistair (muttering): Listen close to Alistair’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground…

The party return to Denerim and enter the Royal Palace
Alistair: It’s hopeless, we’ve lost
Qwerty: What are you talking about? We’re winning. We go into the next room, turn everyone against Loghain and lead the united armies against the Darkspawn
Alistair: Loghain expects the taint then I shall give it to him! Maker help us all! The rite belonged to Avernus, a man the Champion (of Redcliffe) is familiar with. I put aside his research as too dangerous – but things have changed.
Qwerty: Why are you doing this? We’re winning you pillock!
Doggigan: Guess this is why we had to get that song out of the way earlier…
Alistair mutates into a taint monster and fights the party
Alistaint: Ha ha ha! Foolish Warden! When I taught you the secret Grey Warden skills I deliberately left flaws in your style! Holes in your defence that only I would know how to exploit!
Qwerty: What? You never taught me anything!
Alistaint: Damn it, I knew I forgot to do something
Qwerty: You wanted something to remember Duncan by?
Qwerty pulls out Duncan’s dagger
Qwerty: Well here you bloody go!
Qwerty leaps up onto Alistaint’s head and stabs the dagger through his skull. Alistaint collapses, dead, his last words…
Alistaint: I love you Duncan….
Qwerty: Well you know what they say. Heir today, gone tomorrow
Leliana: To heir is human
Doggigan: What an idiot
Qwerty: Indeed. I guess you can go human for a while now
Morrigan: Finally!
Qwerty: And now to deal with Loghain…

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Dragon Strange: Part 31

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Part 31

Tevintwo: Who are you?
Qwerty: Orderly Q reporting for duty
Tevinthree: Lies! Kill them!
Qwerty: That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? Just for telling lies?
Some degree of fighting later…

Leliana: There’s a note here, I’ll read it for you since it won’t appear in your journal. It says they’re selling Elves
Alistair: They must be using st-elf to sneak them out
Qwerty: I found some Elves
Elf1: Please let us go! We’re not sick
Qwerty: Then why did you come here?
Elf2: We’re just really, really stupid. That’s not contagious is it?
Qwerty: Much as I’d like to punish you for that, it hardly makes you any different from anyone else I’ve met and besides, Shianni might not sleep with us if we don’t help you
Elf1: Shianni? Are you mad? I mean, she’s hot and all but…
Elf2: What he means is that she can kick his ass
Elf1: She scares me!
Qwerty: I’m liking her even more
Leliana: Me too

The party free the elves, loot the corpses, crates and sacks then leave
Shianni: What happened? A few Elves came out but where are all the rest?
Qwerty: The Tevinters have been selling them

Shianni: What? What would evil mages from the slavery capital of the world be selling people for?
Qwerty: Slavery?
Shianni: Don’t be silly. They must have sneaked them out the back door I never thought to bother watching despite my suspicions and through the houses and warehouses there
Qwerty: We found a key
Gatekeeper: Does that make you the Key Master?
Qwerty: No. Please go away
Gatekeeper: But I get so lonely
Shianni: Please, find the other Elves and save them too
Shale: Why does it waste time helping these people?
Alistair: Because we’re big damn heroes
Qwerty: And heroes get all the girls
Leliana: And Elven girls are hot
Qwerty: Human girls too
Leliana: And Dwarf girls
Oghren: Even golem girls
Shale: Stay away from me!
Qwerty: Hey where are those beggars? Shouldn’t they be here with more funny comments? I was hoping for an “arms for the poor?”. You know, like alms…

The party pass uneventfully through the warehouse district until they come out into an alley
Guard: Who are you?
Qwerty: I’m Qwerty Cousland, Grey Warden

Guard: I’ve heard of you! Oh shit oh shit oh shit I’m gonna die! ATTACK!
Qwerty: Well you could have bravely ran away…
Guard: Don’t be daft, that’d be far too sensible!
Some brief bloodying of the walls later, they enter another building
Devera: Who are you? We were promised the authorities would leave us alone
Qwerty: We’re here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and bubble gum doesn’t exist in this universe
Devera: But I’m a named NPC! I’m clearly important so don’t kill me just yet, I have dialogue options
Leliana: Do any of them involve threesomes?
Devera: Of course not!
Qwerty: Do any of them involve anything other than us fighting you?
Devera: One of them involves me just running away. I like that one
Qwerty: You’re smarter than most guards. Fine, I’ll let you go
Alistair: She’s clearly evil, why are we letting her go?
Qwerty: I’m hoping she’ll turn up in a sequel

Caladrius: You must be the Warden
Alistair: WardenS!
Leliana: Wardens and friends!
Doggigan: And rivals
Caladrius: Yes yes, Loghain warned me about you lot. So how about you give me money and I give you evidence against Loghain and you let me leave with my slaves and profits?
Qwerty: I’ve got a better offer
Caladrius: I’m listening
Qwerty: You give us the evidence, the profits and the Elves. You get out alive
Caladrius: That hardly seems fair does it?
Qwerty: You’re right, I shouldn’t let you go
Caladrius: No, listen! You take the money and the evidence, we take the knife-ears…
Qwerty: Knife-ears eh? How about…
Murder knife friendship +10
Qwerty: Knife-eyes!
Caladrius: That bloody hurt! I’m a mage, not a Templar, I’m not supposed to be blind! Look, I have another offer. I can drain their energy, kill all the elves and make you stronger!
Qwerty: Wait, I come in here to save the Elves and you try to bribe me with their deaths? Are you that stupid?
Caladrius: Yes!
Qwerty: Tell you what, we’ll just open these cages and let the elves finish you off
Cyrion: Thank you Wardens, friends and rivals. Please, take this dagger Duncan once gave me
Alistair: These documents prove Loghain approved the selling of Elves!
Qwerty: When did you learn to read?
Alistair: Duncan taught me… I miss Duncan
Alistair bursts into tears
Alistair: I wish I had something of Duncan’s to remember him by!
Qwerty slips Duncan’s dagger into his pocket

Shale: There’s something I have been meaning to ask It, yet we haven’t returned to camp in some time and now I’m sick of waiting
Qwerty: What is it?
Shale: I wish to go back into the Deep Roads
Qwerty: For another look in the vault? I was considering that too
Shale: No, I wish to investigate what Carridan said. It’s not that I don’t believe him, it’s just that, well, I don’t believe him
Qwerty: I see
Shale: I think I remember a place in the Deep Roads where there may be some clues. I would very much like to check it out
Qwerty: Well I guess we could make a huge detour since I want to check that vault again.
Leliana: Oh are we doing camp conversations here? Because I’ve been wanting to sing a song since we met the Dalish…
Alistair: Oh is it Push The Button? Awesome!
Leliana sings…

I’m not calling you a liar,
Just don’t lie to me,
I’m not calling you a bad game,
Just don’t play with me.
I’m not calling you a sequel,
So stop importing me,
And I mock you so much,
I’m gonna write a
Paro-dy.

There’s a game on my drive
And its flaws make me weep
It’s not even half as good as Origins,
As it not as deep
Then it lies, then it lies with false choices

To all,
To all,
To all, the same result.
Oh but for the funny banter I go on,
And when you remind me of what you’re not, I’m sad enough to cry…

Qwerty: That was beautiful
Alistair: I liked my idea better

Return to Index

Dragon Strange: Part 30

Return to Index

Part 30

Otto: Hello? Is someone there
Qwerty: Yes. Is something wrong?

Otto: Oh hello. I’m blind
Qwerty: Well yes, you are a Templar so I assumed as much
Otto: Funnily enough that’s actually why they gave me the job. Never understood that. But anyway I sense something evil around here
Qwerty: Probably just Doggigan or Shale, I wouldn’t worry about it if I was you
Doggigan: Grrrr arrrgh
Otto: It’s around here some place, I’ve been sensing it for hours
Doggigan: Grrrrrrr
Qwerty: Stop that
Doggigan: I’m trying to scare that rabid dog off
Qwerty: The dead one?
Doggigan: Of course not, the other one!
Otto: That’s it! Those two evil things tell me the evil is in… the orphanage!
Qwerty: Well that makes about as much sense as the things most NPCs tell me
Otto: Will you come with me? I’m scared of the dark
Qwerty: You’re blind!
Otto: Then you see my problem
Qwerty: Oh fine

The group enter the orphanage and are immediately attacked by wave after wave of dogs
Alistair: Is Doggigan in heat or something?
Doggigan: You’re going to be attacked by another dog in a second

Suddenly demons attack
Otto: What’s happening?
Qwerty: Just listen to the narrator
Finally a boss spawns and dies
Otto: Ah a boss you say? Guess we’re done then…
A werewolf taps Otto on the shoulder and asks
Gatekeeper: Are you the Keymaster?
Otto: Yes, why?

Suddenly all hell breaks loose
Qwerty: Isn’t this bordering on copyright infringement now?
Another demon spawns but is killed rather quickly
Alistair: Yeah! Who you gonna call?
Qwerty: My lawyer. I’ve a feeling I’ll need one
Leliana: Otto’s dead
Otto: No I’m not
Qwerty: He says he’s not
Leliana: Well he soon will be
Otto: I’m getting better
Leliana: No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a minute
Otto: No I…

Shale stomps on him
Leliana: See? Stone dead. Let’s loot him
Qwerty: What was that about?
Leliana: He kept bumping into me as an excuse to feel me up. Besides, I want his shoes
Shale: I just like to squish things
Alistair: Does anyone else remember when we qualified as “lawful good”?
Qwerty: “Chaotic neutral” is much more fun

The party head outside and run into the beggar
Beggar1 slaps Beggar2 with a trout
Beggar1: Was that good enough ser?
Qwerty: What the hell was that? I said be funny! Beg in silly ways!
Beggar2: Spare some change for an.. amputee?
Qwerty: See? Funny!
Qwerty chops both of the beggars arms off and throws him some coins. All the beggars run away screaming. One sneaks back, pockets the coins and runs off again
Tevinter: Look, this is an official Elf And Safety facility, there’s nothing suspicious at all going on here!
Shianni: Oh yeah? Well why haven’t we seen any of the patients again?
Tevinter: They’re in quarantine
Shianni: Why is there a sign above the door saying “Elves for sale?”
Tevinter: That’s… that’s Tevinter for “We Cure Elves”
Qwerty: What’s going on here?

Shianni: You evil Shemlen bastard! I bet you’re like all the others you come here to laugh at the Elves? Oh wait, you’re the ones who rescued Soris! Yay!
Shianni hugs Qwerty, who is too confused to even cop a feel. Leliana does it for him
Shianni: Please, these evil mages have been taking our people away
Qwerty: What makes you think they’re evil?
Shianni: DA2 rules and they’re outside of a circle. Also the fact that they keep kidnapping us is a bit of a hint
Elf: She’s right! My children are napping! They’re putting our kids to sleep! Kidnappers!
Shianni: That’s not what that means you idiot!
Elf: Help! Help! Think of the children!
Tevinter: Shut up. Everyone form an orderly queue and you’ll all be seen eventually
Qwerty: They call me Q for short, but I’m no orderly
Tevinter: Well that’s a pity because if you were we could let you in
Qwerty: Hi, I’m Orderly Q!
Tevinter: In you go then
Shianni: Good luck!

Return to Index

Dragon Strange: Part 29

Return to Index

Part 29

Shale: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Maker no!
Qwerty: I didn’t know you cared about her
Shale: I don’t, but I got a bit of her in my eye! I’m suffering traumatic flashbacks involving pigeons, it is most unpleasant!
Qwerty: Ah, I see. Wait, why are you even here?
Shale: I disguised myself as a statue to prove the pointy eared one wrong
Erlina: I suppose it’s better than “knife-eared Orlesian bitch at least
Shale: In that case I shall now refer to you as “knife-eared Orlesian bitch” instead
Alistair: Tact and diplomacy aren’t your strong points are they?
Shale: Nobody has ever complained
Shale pauses a second for dramatic effect
Shale: A second time
Alistair: Point taken
Qwerty: Nobody noticed that you don’t look anything like the statues here?
Shale: Did any guards notice that you looked nothing like any of the guards? Having a green beard for instance?
Qwerty: Fair point
Wynne: Well that was fun. What now?
Anora: I think we might want to leave. Quickly
Guard: We’ll… um… just let you go then. Don’t blow us up please
Qwerty: What? No capture and daring prison escape?
Alistair: Guess not. Let’s head back to Eamon

Qwerty: But I wanted to do Fort Drakon! Capture me! I surrender!
The guards all run away in fear
Qwerty: Darn it

Back at Eamon’s estate
Eamon: Warden, you’ve returned! And with Queen Anora!
Anora: Yes, thank you for rescuing me Warden. I’m going to slink off to my bedroom, meet me there shortly, we have important matters to discuss
Leliana: Not without me you don’t
Qwerty: Wonder if the Elf girl will join in too
Oghren: I wonder if there’s any roomy closets in her room
Zevran: I wonder if I’ll get anything to say in this script
Leliana: I wonder why the wonder falls…
Eamon: Yes, well an important matter has come up during your absence. I received word of another Grey Warden in the city
Qwerty: Riordan? I sent him here, he should be here by now
Eamon: Apparently he was arrested before he got here. He’s been taken to Fort Drakon…
Qwerty (cheering): Yes!
Eamon: What?
Qwerty: It’s ok, just continue
Eamon: Well I was just going to say you’ll have to rescue him
Qwerty (cheering): Yes!

Meanwhile in Fort Drakon…
Riordan: And so it turned out that leaving the Estate removes the disguise, so there I was in the middle of a crowd completely naked! They arrested me for streaking and brought me here
Prisoner: Guess you’re stuck here then
Riordan: I doubt it. I am sure my good Warden buddy Alistair will rescue me
Prisoner: What, all on his own?
Riordan: No, he shall likely be aided by Qwerty

Cut to…
Alistair: Can we come in please? We’re selling these fine leather jackets
Guard1: Indy-ed?
Guard2: You must think we’re stupid
Qwerty: Aren’t you?
Guard2: Well, yeah. But we’re still not letting you in
Qwerty: Perhaps we could bribe you with this offer of a free night at the Pearl? Just knock on the door mentioned here and use the passcode “Gryphons”
The guards eagerly rush off towards the Pearl
Alistair: Well at least somebody will finally spring the trap
They enter the Fort and find some guards wandering around
Guard: Good day Champion (of Redcliffe)
Qwerty: You know who I am and you’re not stopping me?
Guard: DA2 rules, guard patrols just stand or walk around and do not get involved in any fights, criminal activity or conversations except to occasionally stand in the way of the camera to irritate the player
Qwerty: So we don’t need to, for example, use a catapult to create a diversion or something?
Guard: Nope. Have a nice day
Qwerty: Sod it, I want to shoot something anyway
Wall rivalry +100
Alistair: Well if we need to make a quick escape there’s a new exit now at least
Qwerty: Funny how the guards all ran to the hole to look at it rather than in the direction of where the shot came from

The pair make their way deeper into the fort and arrive at the cells
Riordan: My Warden buddies! I knew you would come for me
Qwerty: Oh for… put some bloody pants on would you?
Riordan: Did you bring any for me to wear?
Qwerty: Actually yes, there were some in a crate on the way. They’re marked as junk but better wearing junk than displaying yours
Riordan: You have my gratitude once again Warden
Qwerty: You’re a Warden, he’s a Warden, why call ME Warden?
Riordan: Fine, I shall call you Schmoooples then
Qwerty: No!
Alistair: We’d better go now
Prisoner: What about me?
Qwerty: What are you in for?
Prisoner: They said I was a thief, a murderer and that I downloaded MP3s. But it wasn’t me it was one of the other NPCs who look just like me. Actually it was probably several of them doing different crimes
Qwerty: Considering how many identical NPCs there are I actually believe your otherwise pathetically flimsy excuse. Very well, you can be rescued too
Prisoner: Thanks, I’ll just grab my jewellery, knives and hard drive out of the evidence chest
Guard: Ah it’s you again. Sorry to bother you, I was just checking on the prisoners. You’re rescuing them are you? Very good. Carry on then. Would you like me to escort you out and give you a tour guide along the way? There’s a very interesting hole in a wall that we like to stare at

Back at Eamon’s Estate again
Qwerty: Right, we rescued Riordan. Again

Riordan: Thank you again
Qwerty: So what next? Landsmeet?
Eamon: I’ve heard rumours of an unrest in the Alienage
Qwerty: Aliens? I thought we were doing Dragon Age not Mass Effect
Leliana: Ooh are they Asari?
Eamon: The Elven Alienage. Ever since the elves were declared free people and not slaves they’ve been locked up in there and made to work for the rest of us

Qwerty: And this is different from slavery how?
Eamon: They complain less and their houses get burnt down more often
Qwerty: I see
Eamon: Anyway be a good Warden and go investigate it. Loghain is probably involved somehow because he’s evil and vile and smelly but even if he isn’t try to find a way to blame it on him so it’s not a waste of time
Qwerty: Off to the Alienage then, but I’ve a few stops to make along the way. Starting with Anora’s bedroom

Anora: Ah, Warden. I have a proposal for you… why are you taking your… good Maker man, put your pants back on! And you, stop fondling my elf!
Leliana: Sorry
Qwerty: Sorry
Anora: I will support you at the Landsmeet if you agree to support me as Queen instead of Alistair
Qwerty: Oh I think Alistair as Queen was just a joke, he probably will be a King
Anora: Doesn’t matter, I want to be Queen
Leliana: You could marry Alistair
Anora: What?!
Qwerty: Or you could marry me
Leliana: What?!
Qwerty: Think of it Leliana, I could be King and you could be my mistress.
Leliana: Hmm, I can see that there’d be some advantages to that arrangement
Anora: I can’t say I’m sold on the idea
Leliana: Perhaps we could help… convince you
One fade to black later…

Anora: Why did the lights go out when you put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me?
Leliana: I think the narrator was expecting something else
Oghren: He’s not the only one
Qwerty: I don’t think this is working. Let me try something
One quick log off, downloading and installing of a mod followed by a reload later…
Leliana: Perhaps we could help… convince you
One fade to black later…
Qwerty, Anora, Leliana and Erlina are just finishing getting dressed when Oghren falls out of the closet, having passed out, with a huge grin on his face
Qwerty: Glad that’s settled then
Leliana: Blessed be the Maker (of mods)

The Warden and party make a quick call at the tavern to call in some favours from nobles and more importantly to get completely drunk, on the way to the Alienage
Qwerty: There once was a woman, who lived in the sea. I didn’t love her but I think she loved me…
Elf: Hey, that’s my drunken rhyme! My only line!
Zevran: You think you have it bad? I’m a main character and I have hardly any lines!
Beggar: Can I have a coin please?
Qwerty: Fine but only if you get your friends together and be funny
Beggar1: What? But I’m just a poor beggar, not a comedian
Beggar2: And I’m just an orphan
Qwerty: Good start! I’ll check back later

Return to Index

Dragon Strange: Part 28

Return to Index

Part 28

Qwerty: Alright Eamon, what’s this quest then?
Eamon: This is…
Erlina: I am Erlina, handmaiden to Queen Anora
Eamon: Or perhaps the young lady would like to introduce herself
Erlina: My Lady needs…
Qwerty: She’s a spy! You’ve been shagging a spy!
Erlina: I am not a spy! And we have not been… shagging as you put it. I am here to beg for your help Warden! My Lady she is a prisoner in Howe’s dungeon!
Qwerty: Why?
Erlina: No, not Why! Howe!
Qwerty: Another good question. How indeed?
Erlina: What?
Eamon: He’s involved too?
Erlina screams
Qwerty: Ok. So what was the…
Erlina: No! Not What! Howe!
Qwerty: Oh not again
Eamon: Perhaps you should just explain

Erlina: My Lady she gets suspicious of her father, Loghain. She confronts Howe about it and he calls her every name in the book, and a few from the sequel. Then he locks her up in his dungeon and it is not like a good kinky Orlesian dungeon, it is a filthy place with dirt and My Lady she has allergies to dust! You must rescue her!
Qwerty: Right, I’d love to really but I met this guy in the market who wanted me to pick some pockets so we’re gonna do that instead
Erlina: But this is urgent!
Qwerty: Look, she’s the bloody queen. We’re trying to put Alice on the throne. Her being out of the way HELPS us. Why should we help you?
Erlina: My Lady she will help you. You wish to overthrow Loghain, you could use her help. Besides, if anything happens to her Loghain will surely try to pin it on you
Eamon: She’s right. It won’t help that I sent a nasty poem to Anora titled “Why Daddy’s Little Girl Needs To Die And Let My Nephew Take The Throne”
Qwerty: You utter pillock
Eamon: You can read the poem yourself if you buy the Eamon’s Complete Collection Of Crappy Poems DLC. It also includes such classics as “Oh My Little Puppet, Let Me Play With Your Strings”, “My Wife’s Favourite Safe Word Is Hard To Pronounce” and “Oh Won’t You Buy My Pretty DLC”
Qwerty: I really hope there’s an option to kill you later
Erlina: You must help my Lady!
Qwerty: Fine, but only because I want to kill Howe
Erlina: You must not put my Lady at risk for your revenge! She still owes me three weeks wages!
Erlina leaves
Qwerty: Can we trust her?
Eamon: She’s obviously more than just a servant
Eamon’s Closet: They’re lovers?
Qwerty: Oghren! Get out of there!
Eamon: This could be a trap, but what the hell, if you’re not going to buy any more DLC anyway…
Qwerty: I got the Ultimate Edition!
Eamon: Then we’ll release the Super Deluxe Ultimate Edition!
Qwerty: Will any of these DLC involve killing you?
Eamon: Hmm. how much would you pay for that?
Qwerty: Forget it, I’ll just use the ToolSet
Eamon: DA2 style remember
Qwerty: Damn it. I think when this is over we need another look in that vault…

Arl of Denerim’s Estate…

Erlina: Ah there you are! Quick, we must hurry! We shall sneak around the side of the building and only put on disguises once we’ve already been spotted and attacked because I am an idiot
Qwerty: I think there’s something of a flaw in your plan
Erlina: You will have to leave your walking statue behind. None of the guards are that big, we cannot disguise him
Shale: Hmmph
Doggigan: Does this mean I can use human form?
Qwerty: Nah, we’ll bring Wynne along
Doggigan and Alistair: Damn it
Leliana: Awww, so cute. You even talk at the same time now
Doggigan and Alistair both glare at Leliana who giggles at them
Alistair: There is NOTHING between me and Morrigan! Nothing!
Leliana: Nothing between you at nights you mean, when you’re under the same sheets…
Alistair: No! Absolutely not! Never! Not even if it would save my life, end the Blight or provide a baby with godly powers!
Erlina: Can we get a move on!
Wynne joins the party and they make their away around the side of the building, fighting one patrol of guards along the way
Erlina: Now put on your disguises and I shall distract the guards by the door since they would recognise you
Qwerty: Why can’t all guards be as blind as Templars?
Erlina: Because all the blind ones get recruited into the Templars
Qwerty: Ask a stupid question…

Erlina runs to the guards at the door
Erlina: Darkspawn are attacking! Follow me!
Guard1: Alright then. We’ll both leave our post to follow the elven stranger with the Orlesian accent despite the fact that if we had even a shred of common sense we wouldn’t trust you
Guard2: She’s no stranger, she’s a servant of the ‘guest’ in the dungeons!
Guard1: Oh, I guess we’re extra special stupid then
Guard2: Guess so
Qwerty and party sneak past and enter the manor disguised as guards
Qwerty: Ok, try not to seem intelligent and we shouldn’t seem out of place. Should be easy for you Alistair
Doggigan: Ha, indeed!
Qwerty: Even a stupid guard might notice a talking dog though, so be quiet
Doggigan: Woof?
Wynne: I’m so glad you asked me to come along with us Alice
Alistair: What? No it wasn’t my idea!
Wynne: Shale told me you’d deny it, there’s no need to be shy
Alistair: Please just kill me
Qwerty: Soon as the option comes along…

Erlina returns and escorts them through the building, just in case they get lost despite it having the exact same layout as so many other buildings…
Erlina: And here are the stairs down to the dungeons. You must hurry and rescue My Lady!
Qwerty: Yes yes, just looting… ooh look. Grey Warden documents
Alistair: I wish I hadn’t lost my secret Grey Warden decoder ring
Leliana: You have decoder rings?
Alistair: It came free in a pack of Darkspawnflakes

The party descend the stairs
Guard: Well well, uninvited guests. We were told to kill anyone who came down here
Qwerty: Well I was told to kill you
Alistair: Who told you to do that?
Guard: Wait, Who sent you to kill us? That traitor!
Qwerty: What?
Guard: He’s in on it too? Damn it! Can we trust nobody?
Alistair: Who’s “nobody”?
Guard: Who is nobody! Damn it, we definitely can’t trust him then!
Qwerty: No, no I was setting up for a heroic line. See, I told me to kill you
Alistair: You talk to yourself?
Qwerty: Oh he’s a lumberjack and he’s okay…
Alistair: Point taken
Guard: I’m all confused now! Just kill ’em boys!

The guards are less than successful. The subsequent dozen or so waves enjoy an equal share of failure. A naked man walks out of a cell and hugs Alistair
Riordan: I am so happy to see you!
Alistair: Well this is awkward…
Riordan: I am Riordan of the Orlesian Wardens. Usually I wear pants. Since I’m Orlesian I sometimes add a feather boa. But today I wear neither for I was captured by that despicable Howe.
Qwerty: How did he capture you?
Riordan: Yes, I just told you he did. He invited me for drinks and I stupidly assumed he didn’t know who I was. My drink was drugged and I woke up without any clothes and in a cell. This hasn’t happened since the last time I visited Lady Isolde
Qwerty: Are these documents yours?
Riordan: Yes but I’d prefer it if you found me some pants first. I am rather lacking in pockets right now
Alistair: Good point
Riordan: Thank you for noticing, but it’s rather inappropriate to discuss that with another man
Alistair: Eh?
Qwerty: Just take some armour off a guard! I knew I shouldn’t have installed that nudity mod until we were back at camp
Riordan gets dressed
Riordan: I will meet up with you later. I need some coffee before I do any fighting
Erlina: Over here! My Lady is in here!
Qwerty: It’s locked!
Leliana: Magically sealed, I can’t pick it
Anora: Howe had a mage seal it. You’ll need to kill the mage to open it

Erlina: I will wait here by the door, you go kill the evil mage!
Alistair: You mean Morrigan or Howe’s mage?
Doggigan bites Alistair

In the next room they find some guards standing around a torture rack. After a brief and one-sided fight they release the captive
Oswyn: You took your time! Did my dad want to teach me a lesson or something?
Qwerty: We weren’t sent by your father
Oswyn: Oh. Well in that case I’m Oswyn…
Alistair: Owen? Again?
Oswyn: No, Oswyn. Son of Bann Sighard
Qwerty: Well run along and tell your dad we rescued you and he should support us in the Landsmeet
Oswyn: There really is a Landsmeet then? Oh good, I hope I’m in time to buy a souvenir T-Shirt
Wynne: We should check the other cells, there may be more prisoners
Alistair: Does it occur to anyone that despite Howe being evil, some of the prisoners may actually be criminals? That letting them go might not be a great idea?
Qwerty: I’ve invested skill points in pickpocketing. My girlfriend picks locks. We kill people. It’d be somewhat hypocritical to leave somebody locked up for petty theft or something when we can get xp and rewards by letting them go
Soris: Please let me go. All I did was kill some people
Qwerty: See? Nothing we haven’t done ourselves
Soris: They kidnapped my bride. And my stupid Dwarven cousin wouldn’t help
Leliana: Wait, he was telling the truth about that?
Qwerty: Off you go then. Run along and… well if you meet anyone allowed to vote tell them to vote for us. Now what’s behind this door…
Howe: Not What, but Howe!
Qwerty chops Howes head off and they make quick work of the mages and the waves of guards who jump out of the walls and who somehow fall out of the ceiling
Howe: I… deserved…
Qwerty: Oh shut up
Qwerty punts Howes severed head through an open cell door
Alistair: Goal!
Qwerty: Gaol goal!
Vaughan: Could you let me out please? I am the rightful Arl of Denerim!
Qwerty: Well I was going to let you out until you told me who you are
Vaughan: Oh. I’m actually not the Arl, I’m just… a maid
Qwerty: You’re the one who likes to kidnap Elven women?
Vaughan: No no, just a maid. An innocent maid
Qwerty: Why a maid? Is that honestly the best excuse you could think of?
Vaughan: Actually… yes. I’m rather stupid you see. Comes with being a noble. Especially under DA2 rules
Qwerty: Give me one good reason why I should let you out
Vaughan: I’ll pay you! This key, this will unlock treasure!
Qwerty: Okay
Leliana: You can’t be serious! We can’t let him out!
Murder Knife friendship +25
Qwerty unlocks the door
Qwerty: I didn’t say he’d still be alive when I let him out
Wynne: There’s another poor man in this cell
Irminric: Give this to my sister
Qwerty: Ok. Door’s open by the way
Irminric: I’m mad though so I’ll stay for a bit
Qwerty: Suit yourself. Let’s get Anora out of here

They arrive back at Anora’s cell and open the door. Anora walks out disguised as a guard
Anora: The guards here are probably loyal to my father. I must remain disguised until we’re safely out of here
Qwerty: Sure, whatever. I’m sure a guard walking around with obvious intruders won’t arouse suspicion
Erlina: What about your disguises?
Qwerty: Lost ’em. And for some reason we can’t just take more off these guards we killed
The party head upstairs where they run into Ser Cauthrien
Cauthrien: Surrender Warden, and you may yet live
Anora: She would be a valuable ally, if only we could turn her against my father
Qwerty: Very well, I will surrender on the condition that you allow my friends to leave so that they may rescue me
Cauthrien: An interesting compromise…
Cauthrien explodes
Everyone but Wynne stares in shock
Wynne: I removed the chance of compromise because there can be no compromise!
More shocked stares
Wynne: I have a spirit from the fade in me, what did you expect?

Return to Index

Dragon Strange: Part 27

Return to Index

Part 27

A giant frog demon is riding a unicorn and stealing cheese when suddenly the Arch Demon swoops in, eats all the cheese and the frog runs away crying
Arch Demon: Peek-a-boo, I SEE YOU!
Qwerty and Alistair both wake up, Alistair is screaming “mummy, mummy!” Suddenly Darkspawn attack the camp

Qwerty: What a good job I decided to sleep in my armour tonight!
Alistair: That’s odd, so did I
Leliana: And me. Despite the assumption that we had sex earlier
Qwerty: Well we always leave our underwear on for that, so why not armour too?
Morrigan: I’m just happy I finally get to fight in human form again
Oghren: I always sleep in my armour. Last time I took it off somebody threw it away because I hadn’t washed it in six years. That was, oh, fifteen years ago
Wynne: And I thought the smell was from the dogs…
Shale: I always sleep naked. But then, I do everything naked
Oghren: Wait… you’re female… right?
Shale: Oh no. I can sense where this is going
Oghren freezes, staring at Shale. A drip of drool falls from his mouth. Shale punches Oghren, sending him flying into a Shriek
Shale: Disgusting creature
Qwerty: The Shriek or Oghren?
Tamlen: It’s me… wait, you’re not Dalish! Damn it, I must’ve taken a wrong turn. Let’s see, turn left from main menu and head towards load game then take a right turn at switch character… Oh, hey! If any of you show up in the sequel say “hi” to Merrill for me!
Several waves of Darkspawn and Tamlen killing later (that’s waves of Darkspawn but only one Tamlen. Probably)…
Alistair: Did you have the dream too? The Arch Demon… I think it saw us! What do you think it means?

Qwerty: Well just guessing but maybe it means that it found us and sent a bunch of Darkspawn to our camp to ambush us in our sleep?
Alistair: Wow I never thought of that
Qwerty: That’s odd, Bodhan and Sandal aren’t around
Alistair: Maybe they decided to sleep inside the caravan tonight?
Leliana: Nobody in here
Bodhan and Sandal pop into existence
Bodhan: Don’t worry about us. We have plot immunity
Qwerty: Let’s just get going for Redcliffe
Bodhan: But it’s still the middle of the night!
Qwerty: We can change it to day on the map

Return to Redcliffe…
Eamon: You got all the treaties? Good, good. Let’s go to Denerim!
Qwerty: Wouldn’t it have saved time if we’d just agreed to meet there instead?
Eamon: Don’t be silly, that would be far too sensible. Let’s skip another three years
Qwerty: What? No! That would be…
Three years later…
Qwerty: incredibly stupid!
Isolde and Teagan stumble out of a closet again.
Isolde: These timeskips are even better than viagra!
Eamon: Got to have room to slot the DLC in. Considering how decisions have no consequences, slotting DLC in at earlier points in the game is the only way we can encourage people to replay it
Qwerty: But I unlocked the consequences!
Eamon: You did what? We were going to sell those as the final DLC!
Qwerty: Did we at least come up with a plan during those three years?
Eamon: Selling DLC is the plan!
Qwerty: I meant about Loghain and the Blight!

Eamon: Oh, that. I thought you meant something important. The plan is to go to Denerim, call a Landsmeet, tell everyone that Loghain is a stinky traitor who smells of poo and put Alistair on the throne as my puppet… I mean as our King
Alistair: What? No! I don’t want to be a king! I want to be… A LUMBERJACK!
Qwerty: What?
Alistair: Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of some place that looks like Lothering! With my best girl at my side! The larch! The pine! That talking rhyming tree! Those possessed trees that tried to kill us! We’d sing, sing sing! Oh I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay…

Dances from Dance Party by Firinneach

Qwerty: That’s enough. You really think he should be king? Are you as nuts as he is?

Alistair: I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars…
Eamon: Queen perhaps then?
Qwerty: I think not
Teagan: It’s him or Loghain. At least Alice is a less dangerous kind of crazy
Alistair (sarcastically): Oh I’m so glad that nickname caught on
Qwerty: You just sang about wanting to be “a girlie”
Eamon: It’s settled. Alistair will be King. Or Queen. That we can debate later. For now we must go to Denerim
Qwerty: Why can’t I be King?
Alistair: You didn’t side with the Templars
Qwerty: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Alistair: Ask DA2

Some time later, in Denerim… the party are in Eamon’s estate when Loghain, Howe, What, Whye, Who and Ser Cauthrien enter
Qwerty: Who are all of you?
Who: No only I am who
Qwerty: Why are you here?
Why: Yes I am
Qwerty: What?
What: Yes?
Loghain: Stop that!
Eamon: So good of you to join us Loghain
Loghain: How could I not when you invited every… what are you staring at?
Qwerty: I read my Origin. You’re Arl Howe!
Howe: Indeed I am.
Qwerty: I’m going to kill you for what you did to my family! But first could you please sign my Gabriel Knight, Rocky Horror, Earth 2…
Howe: No
Qwerty: Death it is then!
Sten: Not cake?
Howe: I’d rather have cake
Loghain: Me too
Sten: And me
What: And me
Qwerty: We’re going to run out of cake at this rate…
Eamon: Enough! Everyone knows pie is better so I got that instead
Sten: The cake is a pie?
Cauthrien: Can I just kill them all now? I’m pretty much the toughest boss fight in the game, I can take them
Loghain: No, we’ll just leave and twiddle our thumbs for a bit
Loghain and his entourage depart
Eamon: Well you’d better run off and play for a bit. Come by my bedroom when you’re ready for a quest
Qwerty: You’re really not my type. Wait, that’s Isolde’s bedroom too, right?
Eamon: She’s staying in Redcliffe with Teagan. It’s nice that they get along so well. But that’s not what I meant. There’s an elven woman in my bedroom…
Qwerty: I’m happy for you, but I don’t need to hear the details
Eamon: Oh for… look just come by for a quest alright?
Qwerty: Let’s just… explore Denerim for a bit shall we? Let Eamon and his elf have a bit of privacy
Oghren: You go on without me, I think there’s a closet in Eamon’s room I can hide in
Zevran: My dear Oghren, please do tell me when you decide to come out of the closet.
Leliana: Are you really that desperate?
Zevran: Alas, I am. It’s the only way I get to have a line in this scene

Denerim market…
Alistair: Why are we stopping at every vendor? Again!
Qwerty: I’m not happy about it either…
Leliana: Yes you are, we love shopping!
Qwerty (ignoring her): …but we have to check the vendors every damn act for new stuff. See, look at this. A pink bow tie armour upgrade for you Alice, that wasn’t here last time. And look at this belt, five stars… hang on, my current belt is two stars but is stupidly better than this one

Merchant: Ah yes well you see the stars are a very complex system that are not easily understood and… oh alright, they don’t mean a thing. they just look pretty
Landry: You killed my friend and good King Cailan! I demand satisfaction!
Qwerty: What?
Landry: You’re one of the Warden’s, I recognise you from Ostagar
Qwerty: Well if you were at Ostagar then surely you saw that Loghain ordered his troops to abandon the King and most of the Wardens died trying to defend him
Landry: Yes but I’m incredibly stupid. I demand a duel!
Qwerty: I hope you don’t mean the kind of duel we had with Isabela
Landry: I mean the kind where I stupidly tell my bodyguards to stand back and let you kill me
Qwerty: Ok, fair enough
One quick duel later

Qwerty: Well that was fun. Quick visit to the Pearl before we check up on Eamon?
Leliana: Sounds like a plan
Alistair: You mean to investigate the trap we never got around to checking on any of our previous visits?
Qwerty: Only if “investigate the trap” is a euphemism and not for that cross-dressing elf

Return to Index

Dragon Strange: Part 26

Return to Index

Part 26

The party descend into the ruins where the werewolves have made their lair and Qwerty starts feeling up a wall…
Alistair: What are you doing?

Qwerty: Trying to open this secret door. Look, on the map there’s clearly something behind it…
Alistair: DA2 style remember? That just means that one of the other fifty five thousand times we see this map there will be something there. And it won’t be a secret door, it’ll be a blatantly obvious one
Qwerty: I hate that you’re right
Wolf: Intruders! Quick, seal the door! You shall not pass!
Qwerty: Anyone else having deja-vu?
Alistair: Is that some kind of Orlesian food?
A brief and one-sided fight ensues. The party proceed down the stairs and are met by a locked door
Leliana: It’s locked from the other side, I can’t pick it
Doggigan: It’s clearly made of wood yet I can’t burn it down
Alistair: It’s not made of cheese so I can’t eat through it. What? Everyone else has something helpful to say
Shale: I can break it down!
Shale attempts to punch the door, with no effect. Several more punches and even a spinning kick achieve the same lack of any result
Shale: It might wish to stand back a little
The party climb back up the stairs and Shale charges all the way across the room, down the stairs and into the door. The door doesn’t budge an inch
Qwerty: Let’s see if we can find a way round
Alistair: Help! I think I’m being uploaded!
Qwerty: For the hundredth time, it’s not that kind of web!
Giant spiders attack. Giant spiders get killed. Suddenly an even bigger spider descends on the group
Qwerty: Oh bugger

Doggigan: Go for the eyes, Q, go for the eyes!
Qwerty: *which* eyes?
Doggigan: Eye don’t know!
Instead the party just hack at the creatures legs and the air around it, which for some bizarre reason seems to kill it
Leliana: Another wave!
Qwerty: How do you sound surprised every time you say that?
Leliana: I mimic how startled Alistair is every time he looks in a mirror
Alistair: Isn’t it a little late to turn that into a running gag?
Doggigan: It’s never too late to insult you, Alice
Qwerty: Did you hear that?
Alistair: You mean kind of like a roaring sound?
A dragon swoops down, but has the misfortune to clip a statue with its wing as it lands. Shale lets out a roar and charges the dragon. Mere moments later Shale is holding a dragons leg in her hand and there’s bits of dragon all over the room
Alistair: Remind me not to graffiti any more statues…
Qwerty: Werewolves, spiders, dragons… what else is down here? Undead? Demons?
Alistair: Bunny rabbits? What? I’m trying to be optimistic here
Qwerty: Well don’t tempt fate, I forgot the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
Alistair: And I just remembered that I’m actually scared of bunnies
Qwerty: Is that you being pathetic or making a pop culture reference?
Alistair (singing): Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes…
The party descend to the lower levels where they’re promptly ambushed by undead and demons. Armies of bunny rabbits fail to join the fray
Qwerty: Well it seems they were guarding this… pool of water
Alistair: It’s probably their water bowl. Maybe there’s a giant food bowl behind one of those rock-falls

Qwerty: What rockfalls? There weren’t any remember. This entire map was one oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other we’ve been in with stairs leading down into another oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other we’ve been in
Alistair: Sorry, I forgot
Leliana: Pity there weren’t any maps in that vault
Qwerty: We couldn’t carry enough maps to make all these dungeons unique. Oh well, into the water we go

A short swim later and… they arrive in yet another oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other they’ve been in
Qwerty: Well at least we can’t get lost
Gatekeeper: Are you the Keymaster?

Qwerty: No. We’re here for Witherfang
Gatekeeper: The Lady wishes to talk. Follow me
Slightly puzzled, the party follow the werewolf and find the Lady of the Forest
Lady: Greetings
Leliana: I really like your hair… but it’d be better if you had it up, in a bun perhaps. or a ponytail
Lady: Like this?
Oghren appears out of nowhere, stares, then faints
Alistair: Wow… so that’s what those look like!
Alistair faints
Lady: Zathrian has not told you everything
Qwerty (staring): Don’t care right now…
Lady: He lied, he will not sign your DVDs
Qwerty: Hmm? What? Wait, what? Lied? That bastard!
Lady: Bring him to me
Qwerty: Yes boobs… I mean, Lady
The party find the stairs leading up and arrive at the other side of the locked door. Qwerty pulls aside a tiny little bolt and the door swings open. Shale glares at it and kicks it as they walk through
Zathrian: Why are you leaving? Witherfang is not yet dead!
Qwerty: No but if you don’t start telling us the truth then you will be
Zathrian: Alright, it was me who created the werewolf curse! I condemned generations of innocents to suffer for the crimes of their ancestors or biters of their ancestors and could have cured our hunters at any moment if I weren’t so selfish. Are you happy now?
Qwerty: I don’t care about that! You were never going to sign my DVDs were you?
Zathrian: No. I’m sorry, but… I have a blister on my hand preventing me from holding a pen
Qwerty: You lying son of a bitch!
Zathrian: Of course I lied! Did you think I didn’t know what you did to my Captain?
Lanaya: Oh captain my captain…
Zathrian: Is that reference the only reason you came with me?
Lanaya: Yes. I’m off to the camp again now. Bye bye
Qwerty: You tricked us!
Zathrian: I did, and I’d do it all over again! Because as a Keeper I am a mage and under DA2 style that means I’m a completely insane psychopath!
Qwerty grabs Zathrian and throws him down the stairs
Lady: Well look who dropped in
Zathrian: More sort of rolled…
Lady: End the curse!

Qwerty: Go for the eyes, boobs, go for the eyes! I mean… my Lady
Zathrian: Oh alright.
Zathrian dies, Lady vanishes and the wolves turn human. Somehow they’re fully clothed
Doggigan: Damn it, when do we women get some fan service?
Leliana: I’ve had plenty
Doggigan: Straight women!
Alistair: Everyone’s bisexual!
Doggigan: I’d only be bi if the player character was female
Leliana: Could you make a female Warden next time so we can have a threesome with her?
Qwerty: Only if I can keep the beard. Anyway Doggigan, Gaspode’s naked and he’s the same species as you
Doggigan: Don’t remind me, there’s a reason I don’t stay in this form at camp

ExWolf: Yeah… um, thanks. We’ll be off to reintegrate into the human population until one of us gets conned into appearing in the sequel

Back at the Dalish camp…
Qwerty: Ok, quests to hand in… ah you can have this scarf
GenericElf: Thank you I had never thought to see this again I am so grateful
Athras: Hey! No! That’s my wives scarf! That’s for me!
Qwerty: He had the glowy arrow above his head
Athras: My bow was broken and I said he could borrow my arrows until I got it fixed, but I didn’t mean that one!
Alistair: As if we’d trust you with a quest handin anyway, Lich King!
Athras: What?
Qwerty: Wrong spelling. Wrong franchise. Just plain wrong…
Lanaya: Times were dire but our hopes you raised, you’ve cured our hunters, creators be praised
Qwerty: Tuvok’s dead by the way. I’d have preferred to kill Neelix given the choice but…
Lanaya: I guess I’m the Keeper now. Merrill will be soooo jealous the next time our clans meet. We’ll honour the treaty Warden. It is after all Halla-ween and that is the time for “trick or treaty”

Alistair: Hooray! We’ve got all the treaties now we can go back to Redcliffe!
Qwerty: I suppose so. Let’s make camp in yet another identical area to every other place we’ve set up camp first though.
Leliana: I think there’s a suitable place near Baldur’s Fence
Alistair: Baldur’s Fence?
Leliana: Well what did you think was connected to Baldur’s Gate?
Alistair: I walked right into that one didn’t I?
Qwerty: What, the fence? You do know that’s not actually what fencing means, right?

Return to Index

Dragon Strange: Part 25

Return to Index

Part 25

Alistair: Another werewolf!
Doggigan: I am not a werewolf!
Alistair: Don’t trust her, it’s a talking dog! It must be a were creature
Doggigan: You know very well who I am
Alistair: Can we kill her anyway?
Qwerty: Maybe if her rivalry goes up again
Doggigan riva…friendship +10?
Qwerty: Better. Good doggy!
Doggigan (mutters): Go with the Warden she said. Stop the Blight she said. It’ll be fun she said. I swear I’d be sending someone to kill her right now if I hadn’t already
Alistair: Werewolf!
Doggigan: I am not a bloody…
Alistair: No, there!
Qwerty: Where?

Alistair: No! Were!
Qwerty: Nowhere? Then what’s the problem?
Alistair: Look over there! A werewolf!
Qwerty: Oh, therewolf! Why didn’t you say so?
Alistair bursts into tears of frustration
Morrigan friendship +10
Danyla: Hi, could you help me please?
Shale: Does it want us to help it die perhaps? I’m sure we could help with that
Danyla: Actually yes. And then please deliver…
Squish!
Qwerty: I don’t think she was done talking
Leliana: She was holding out this scarf, I think she wanted us to deliver it
Alistair: Perhaps the golem would like to wear it. Who’s a pretty girly golem?
Shale: Would It object if I tore the whiny ones head off and punted it?
Alistair: Or we could just carry it around in your bag with the twenty or so swords, full sets of armour, shields, bows and… Oghren?!
Oghren: What, how did you think I kept turning up?
Right click Oghren. Mark as junk
Qwerty: Now to find a merchant…
Oghren rivalry +50
Qwerty: Anyway my psychic powers say that one of the Dalish Elves wants this
Leliana: Is it just me or are walking in circles?
Alistair: You’re right, this does look familiar
Doggigan: I can sense some magic, I think it’s confusing us and turning us around
Qwerty: Ok let’s go a different direction then
Hermit: Oh no, no no I’m not ready yet! Mustn’t disturb me, you mustn’t must you?
Alistair: Seems like he’s already quite disturbed…
Qwerty: Who are you?
Hermit: Yes, questions! Questions yes! Ask a question and get a question would you like to play?
Qwerty: I already asked a question
Alistair: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Hermit: No! No! No no no no no! Not a valid question! Go away! I refuse to put up with…

Alistair: Where do babies come from?
Hermit: Babylon! Yes you see I knew that one, didn’t think I would did you?
Qwerty: Was that your question?
Hermit: What? Was it? I suppose so yes. Damn it, now it’s your turn
Qwerty: Do you have the Oak’s acorn?
Hermit: Yes I do, I took it and you can’t have it! My turn now. What is your favourite colour?
Qwerty: Octarine. What would you trade for the acorn?
Hermit: Kill the oak and it’s yours. Why is your hair pink?
Qwerty: Because I’m a pretty, pretty princess. Why do you want the Oak dead?
Hermit: Why? Why? Why not! Why shouldn’t I?
Qwerty: That’s a fair few questions isn’t it? Doesn’t that mean you lose?
Hermit: What? Damn it! You and your cheating methods of enforcing the rules! Fine, you want the acorn we’ll trade for it. What do you have?
Qwerty: Alistair
Alistair rivalry +10
Qwerty: A book. A scarf. Oghren
Oghren rivalry +10
Qwerty: A cheese sandwich
Alistair rivalry +25
Qwerty: Or a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle
Hermit grabs the book and runs away. A few seconds later an acorn appears several inches above Qwerty’s head and falls
Qwerty: Well that was… questionable

The party return to the Oak, pausing only to fight several waves of trees, darkspawn and werewolves
Oak: My seed is at last returned to me, you’ve made me a very happy tree
Qwerty: Great. Can you help us get through the magical barrier?
Oak: Through the barrier thou must pass, using this map and compass
Leliana: You can’t rhyme pass with compass!
Oak: Oh just go away!

The party return to the magical barrier, pausing only to fight several waves of trees, darkspawn and werewolves
Swiftrunner: Intruders! We will not let you pass this time!
Qwerty throws a stick. The werewolves start to run but quickly return
Swiftrunner: Your stick throwing mind tricks won’t work on us! Attack!
Swiftrunner explodes into a billion pieces as he’s stabbed but several more waves of werewolves jump out of trees nowhere near strong enough to have supported their weight
Suddenly a white wolf jumps out and knocks Swiftrunner to safety despite him having exploded
Qwerty: I never quite get used to seeing that happen. Oh well, onwards!

Return to Index

Dragon Strange: Part 24

Return to Index

Part 24

The following takes place between part 23 and part 25
Events do not occur in real time

Qwerty, Alistair, Leliana, Shale and Doggigan enter the Brecilian Forest for the final treaty
Qwerty: I can’t believe how far it was from camp to here. This feels like the longest day of my life!
Alistair: Well at least you don’t have a daughter, we’d have lost a lot of time having to rescue her from kidnappers again and again
Leliana: I haven’t seen any elves yet, do you think they got kidnapped instead?
Doggigan: There’s usually some Dalish around this part of the forest, we’ll probably run into them any time now…
Mithra: Halt! Thou shalt not pass!

Tattoo unintentionally changed by an unknown addon

Qwerty: You must be one of the Dalish…
Mithra: And you must be lost, Shem. Turn away while you still can
Qwerty: Actually I was looking for you
Mithra: Me? Why? Wait, Sanga didn’t send you did she? Because I’m not going back, I’m one of the Dalish now!
Qwerty: No, I mean we’re looking for the Dalish. We’re Grey Wardens, well me and Alice are anyway, and we have these treaties…
Mithra: Grey Wardens? Why don’t you have uniforms then?
Qwerty: I’m wearing one!
Mithra: No that’s just a suit of armour, I mean those silly blue and white striped ones
Qwerty: Look, we’re bloody Wardens ok? Just take us to your leader
Doggigan: Keeper
Mithra: Fine, follow me. But be warned, there’s five billion arrows trained on you right now and if you try anything you’ll be taught the meaning of overkill.
Zathrian: I see you bring guests…
Qwerty: Sign my Voyager DVD box set! Please? Please?
Zathrian: Who are these people Mithra?
Mithra: They say they’re Grey Wardens
Zathrian: Ah, then I know why you’re here
Qwerty: Say “live long and prosper”!
Zathrian: I’m afraid however that we can offer no aid. As you can see, our hunters have all been bitten by werewolves
Qwerty: Do the hand sign thing!
Zathrian: If you truly want our aid… can you stop pushing those damn DVDs at me! If you want our aid, you must find and defeat Witherfang the great wolf. Bring me his heart and I can try to cure my people
Qwerty: And then you’ll autograph them?
Alistair: You want him to autograph his people? Oh, is that what those tattoos are?
Qwerty: No, autograph the DVDs you pillock
Alistair rivalry +10
Alistair: Wait, is “pillock” an insult?
Qwerty: Yes
Alistair rivalry +10
Qwerty: So do we have a deal?
Zathrian: I’ll even do the damn quote
Lanaya: I am the Keeper’s First…
Leliana: Aren’t you a little young? He waited until he was that old before his first time?
Lanaya: No, not that kind of first! I am his right hand…
Oghren: But my right hand *was* that kind of first…
Lanaya: I’m second in command, ok? We welcome you, heroes for hire. Save our hunters, before they expire. Don’t leave us for dead, like on Virmire

Alistair: You’re a poet and you didn’t know it!
Lanaya: I am a poet and I do know it, stupid Shemlen!
Qwerty: What’s in this box I wonder…
Lanaya: Do not open that! If you do then I and all Dalish shall hate you and your entire kind for all eternity
Qwerty: Sorry, DA2 style. You’ll just ignore us looting you blind
Lanaya: Damn it!
Qwerty: Nice book
Alistair: Does it have pictures?
Qwerty: Some gold too
Lanaya hums to herself
Qwerty: This bow looks pretty good too
Lanaya: Could you at least not do it right under my nose? See, now you made Cammen cry!
Cammen: No, I was c-crying anyway
Qwerty: Why?
Cammen: There’s th-this girl. She won’t m-marry me
Oghren : Girl huh? Wait, are you a boy elf or a girl elf? I want to know whether to go for her or a threesome
Cammen: I’m a b-boy but everyone calls me a g-girl
Oghren: Hmm, a riddle huh? Well that’s easily solved, what’s in your pants?
Cammen: I have my d-diary in my pocket. And some flowers
Leliana: Oh leave the poor thing alone Oghren. Go back to camp, you’re not even in the party
Oghren: Right, just because I’m alive now I should stop turning up when there’s a chance for sex? Hey, you know all those fade-to-blacks, I took some Mass Effect night vision goggles from that vault…
Qwerty: You weren’t even there!
Oghren: There were girl dwarves locked up in cells! You know what girls get up to when there’s no men around don’t you?
Alistair: Gossiping?
Leliana: Planning to kill Oghren?
Doggigan: Killing templars, practicing blood magic and asking when we three shall meet again? What? That’s what mother and I did when we had visitors
Oghren: They get naked and have pillowfights! Everyone knows that! So I went to the vault to watch
Alistair: And did they have any pillowfights?
Oghren: They didn’t even have pillows! Well, their cells didn’t have pillows, some of them had a nice pair of pillows I’d like to rest my head on…
Doggigan: Charming. Yet still less annoying than Alice
Cammen: P-pillow fights? B-but fighting s-scares me!
Qwerty: I wonder why she wouldn’t want to marry you…
Cammen: And I can’t go into the f-forest to prove my worth
Qwerty: Because of the werewolves?
Cammen: T-that and m-my allergies. I’m allergic to being brave
Qwerty: Tell you what, point out this girl and we’ll have a word with her
Cammen: R-really? You’d d-do that? T-that’s her
Qwerty: A red-head too, nice. Leliana, shall we?
Leliana: Let’s!
Qwerty: Just one thing first, Shale?
Qwerty whispers something in Shale’s ear
One fade-to-black threesome later
Oghren rivalry +10
Wynne friendship +10
Qwerty: Eh? Wynne?
Leliana: Old perv must’ve been spying on us!
Oghren: Damn it golem, did you have to put your hands over my eyes right at that moment?
Shale: What did it just call me?
Oghren: Um… gorgeous?
Shale: Even worse!
Shale picks up Oghren and throws him in the direction of the camp
Cammen: Noooooooo!
Qwerty: Oh don’t worry, it’s only Oghren
Cammen: M-my g-girl! Y-you… I can’t even s-say it!
Lanaya: I’d be pissed, but honestly Cammen’s so annoying that I actually like you better now. Go with our blessings friends
Qwerty: Perhaps we could persuade you to join us too?
Lanaya: I’m sorry but that flirt option in my dialogue is just to tease you
Qwerty: Damn. Maybe in another game then, if I can resist the shy blue girl
Elora: Wait! I still have a quest. My halla is sick
Alistair: Why’s it wearing a pointy hat?
Elora: Halla-ween costume
Qwerty: I’ll use my super survival skills to calm it down. I knew those points weren’t a waste
Elora: Ah I see, this halla isn’t sick, her mate is and she’s worried!
Alistair: So we saved them? Halla-lujah
Qwerty: Right, time to go wolf hunting then

Some walking and a little fighting later…
Alistair: I see dead person

Leliana: He’s not dead, he’s just stunned
Alistair: I think he’s dead
Qwerty: He’s just pining… see, pine cones on the ground around him
Leliana checks his pulse
Leliana: He’s alive
Shale: Pity
Doggigan: We could kill him and take his stuff
Qwerty: Let’s take him back to the Dalish camp
One quick trip there and back later…
Swiftrunner: Thou shalt not pass!
Qwerty: I hear that a lot…
Swiftrunner: Evil Dalish send you to do their bidding but we not let you!
Qwerty picks up a stick and throws it

Qwerty: Fetch!
The werewolves and Doggigan run off after the stick
Qwerty: Why did I have to hammer the S key to do that?
Alistair: Must have been the Stick of Truth
After a short walk they’re ambushed by trees
Alistair: Not the trees! NOT THE TREES!
Qwerty: What? They’re just trees, what’s to be scared of?
Alistair: Didn’t you see Evil Dead?
Grand Oak: Hmm what manner of beast be thee who come before this elder tree?
Qwerty: Another poet? Is there a convention here or something?
Grand Oak: Help me please for I have need. Some mad bastard has stolen my seed
Qwerty: Ok…

Grand Oak: If you return my acorn to myself, I shall help you aid the elf
Qwerty: Where is this mad bastard?
Alistair: I’m right here. Oh you meant the other one…
Grand Oak: Somewhere, over there
Qwerty: Right. Off we go then
Doggigan runs up with the stick in her mouth
Doggigan rivalry +10

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